My therapy session was a productive one. We talked about the painfully excruciating body sensations that I’ve been experiencing. Through talking about it, considering all the possible things that could be causing it (both internal and external), my therapist Bean helped me determine that it is less related to what’s been going on in my external environment, and more related to the specific time of day that it occurs. These sensations have been coming on in the afternoons, every afternoon for almost a week now, with no apparent cause or trigger. These are sensations that I’ve actually been experiencing for a number of months now, but it’s gotten exponentially worse during this past week.
So it seems related to the time of day, and that these sensations I’ve been experiencing are actually body memories. Then the obvious question arose: what has happened in my past, at this time of day, that is pushing up. These sensations usually come on (or are at their strongest) around 2 or 3 in the afternoon. The riddle was yet to be solved.
After looking at various (and traumatic) periods of my life, we were no closer to an answer. Nothing seemed to fit.
At the very end of our session, for reasons I can’t remember, I brought up the car accident my family was in when my mother was pregnant with me. Bean asked me what time of day the accident occurred, and I told her I didn’t know. She suggested I find out.
I called my mom immediately after session and asked her what time of day the car accident had taken place. She said it was in the afternoon, around 2 or 3pm.
This seems like a definite possibility. Add that to the fact that the anniversary of the accident was just about a week ago – when the body sensations suddenly became unbearable and excruciating. This makes this event a likely fit.
Studies have proven that babies in utero can be traumatized. It was a horrific accident after all, one that put my mom in the hospital for several months – during which time I was born.
Then the question becomes: how does one process trauma that has taken place before birth. I guess in a very similar way to how one might process trauma that has taken place as an infant. Usually there would be no visual memories connected to these traumas, only body sensations. But even then I have no idea how one might even approach something like this. This is where I have to sit back and let my therapist use her skills and knowledge to help me through this. She specializes in trauma and dissociation, and even wrote an academic journal essay on pre-birth trauma. [I stumbled across it online when I was doing research about my therapist, but I couldn’t read it since it was far too triggering for me.] So I feel I’m in the best hands possible.
In the meantime, I just have to keep myself functional until my next session. I’m still not sure how to do that, since the body memories have been so awful, and I feel like something’s gotta give, but I just need to focus on one moment at a time, and just continuing to put one foot in front of the other. And to trust in this healing process that I’ve endeavored upon with my therapist. Fingers crossed I’ll make it though this storm.