The hurt that keeps on hurting

The following is an email I sent my therapist about an hour ago:

Hi [Bean]. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. My body is pushing and hurting and crying out. Not in my mind but in my cells. It’s horribly uncomfortable and makes me feel like I’m going crazy. Or that I want to go crazy.

Please help.

These body memories – I know what they are now! – are killing me. Not literally (obviously) but I don’t know how much more of it I can take. Quite honestly I don’t know what to do. This pain is a pain that hurts me on a cellular level. I can take a lot. But this is beginning to feel like more than I can handle. I need relief. And I have no idea how to get it.

The only good thing is that it seems to let up in the mornings and evenings. It’s the afternoons that are unbearable. But in the mornings I’m so exhausted from my chronic insomnia, and in the evenings I’m often dealing with some other emotional conflict. Usually my time at work, with the child I care for, is a welcome break from all my psychological crap. Usually I can be with him and enjoy him, and for the most part he is a wonderful and delightful distraction.

Since last week, it takes every ounce of energy I have to give him my full attention. My body is screaming out in agonizing pain and it’s trying to take over complete control of my mind. Part of my attention is on him, and part is on the discomfort and pain and anguish in my body. It’s pretty much impossible to ignore it completely – despite the fact that I’m quite good at ignoring pain. This is the worse type of pain. It’s not purely physical and it’s not purely emotional. It’s emotional pain trying to push its way out of my body. And I really don’t know how much more I can take.



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7 responses to “The hurt that keeps on hurting

  1. Pingback: One Lovely Blog Award « kyllingsara

  2. it just sounds so agonizing. i hope you can get some relief. sooner than later from this, more permanent relief!

  3. I can only speak from my experience but for me walking outside helpes. Psychical exercise can help the body to release the tension held in the muscles that body memories cause. The fresh air and movement are good for mind, body and spirit. I hope this helps you, hang in there!

    • Thank you so much for commenting and your words of support :). Physical exercise is a great suggestion and I will have to try that. I’ve been having a lot of social anxiety lately which has been preventing me from going outside and getting the exercise my body needs. Thank you for the suggestion though, it is a good one.

  4. Have you considered Fibromyalgia? There are treatments for that and they believe there is a significant mind-body connection in that illness. Also, have you tried meditation? I know that’s a hard one when you hurt, but it can really help. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon!

    • Thank you for your response. πŸ™‚

      I actually do know quite a bit about fibromyalgia, since I’ve had several friends who’ve had it, and I’m pretty sure that isn’t what I have. What I have, even though it’s a physical pain, is also so much more than physical pain. I can’t quite explain it. It feels like “psychic pain” if that makes any sense. It’s emotional pain that is pushing up from inside me. There’s no doubt that whatever it is that is pushing up needs to come out and be released. The question is: how. And that’s where I have to have faith in my therapist on that.

      Thanks again. πŸ™‚

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