Today I’m feeling especially lonely. Usually when loneliness hits, it’s accompanied by a feeling of disconnection from everything and everyone. Not today’s lonely. With today’s lonely, I’m actually feeling quite connected to others and my surroundings, which makes the loneliness even more painful.
There’s not even any real reason for me to be feeling lonely. (Yes, I know, don’t minimize your feelings, blah blah blah.) But it’s true. I recognize on a thought level I have people who love and care about me. So why is it that this loneliness is puncturing my heart?
My heart just hurts, and I feel completely and utterly alone. Even amongst the blogging community, where usually I find comfort in knowing others out there are reading and relating and caring, I feel like an outcast.
I wonder: have I ever truly felt that I fit in somewhere? I’m trying to remember a time in my life (or perhaps even a moment in time) where I felt as though I belonged. To have been acknowledged and accepted for who I was and to have experienced a sense of belonging.
That question leaves me wondering. I really don’t know. I know I felt like I never belonged in my family. I know I felt like I never belonged at school. I know I felt like I never belonged in my various groups of friends.
Yes, now I can think of a time I felt I belonged. With my ex-therapist S – who for those of you who don’t know, I wrote about in my previous post. She made me feel loved and appreciated and accepted. Yet she seemed to need me as much as (if not more than) I needed her, and she ultimately betrayed me and our relationship. It’s sad to think the only time I truly felt a sense of belonging was when I was being used for someone else’s gain; specifically, her need to be needed.
Perhaps I have never really felt like I belong because I have an inability to show my true self (selves) to people. I am so critical and self-hating – on a deep, unconscious level – that I assume if I reveal who I really am, with all my fears and insecurities, that I will be ostracized, teased, and ultimately rejected.
I have worked so hard my whole life to be accepted by people. But at what cost? Perhaps my sense of belonging.