Tormented

It’s hard to describe what I’m feeling at the moment. The only word that aptly describes it is tormented. These body memories, or body sensations, or whatever you want to call them have me in their clutch. I don’t know why it’s worse today but it is. I feel like my insides are being squeezed and pushed. My mind is agitated. I wish there were something that could calm these feelings. They make me want to scream.

When these body sensations take over, I lose all sense of myself. I can’t think clearly… My mind is beyond restless… The world hurts… I don’t know what I can do to help myself. People have suggested sitting with the sensations and turning my attention toward them rather than away from them. That only increases them and all the agitation and swirling that goes along with it. Also, I can’t do anything too extreme – ie let myself go into a trauma memory (if that is, in fact, that’s causing all this) – because I’m at work. And by the time I get home these body sensations have subsided.

I can’t get out and take a walk, since the child I care for is napping and I need to stay here and monitor him. And besides, walking hasn’t seemed to help when I’m in this state, since being out in the open and having to pass by people just seems to increase the already overwhelming pain and agitation.

All I can think to do right now is keep breathing. And wait for this torment to pass.

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