I attended a friend’s memorial service today. This was the friend who I wrote about who had committed suicide. It was a beautiful service, and even though I didn’t know her very well (she was the partner of a friend), I feel I got to know her in many ways through the people who talked and shared stories about her today.
During the service though, I felt something stirring inside. What it was, I cannot exactly say. But if I were to try to describe it, it was an though numbness descended on my mind, like a net, trapping all my feelings and emotions underneath it. Perhaps a net isn’t the best analogy, since nets are porous and you can see through them. Maybe a thick tarp might better describe it. A think heavy tarp that has blanketed my mind with nothing but numbness.
I can feel the (mystery) emotions just underneath this tarp of numbness, kicking and fighting to get out, but the tarp is wrapped around them tightly, and they are not able to escape. What feelings are these that are trapped? you might ask. I wish I knew. I really don’t have a clue.
Sadness perhaps that my friend felt she had lost all hope. Anger perhaps that the world let her down, and that depression had won. Guilt perhaps that I hadn’t reached out even though I knew she’d been struggling. Envy perhaps that she (hopefully) was able to escape the pain of life. Worry perhaps that her partner will be okay and won’t burden herself with guilt. Resentment perhaps that her doctors and therapists and psychiatrists didn’t help her adequately.
These are all guesses. I cannot actually feel my feelings at the moment – any of them – but intellectually those thoughts are where my mind takes me. So perhaps those are some of the feelings trapped under the numbness.
Will I ever feel these feelings? I know several days after the suicide, I had big feelings come up. Lots of sadness. Lots of tears. But that’s the only time I’ve been able to feel anything pertaining to this person’s death in the last several weeks since her death. Will the feelings ever return?
I sit in the numbness and feel robotic. I have descended into the depths of where unfeeling creatures dwell. It’s as though all of my humanity has left me and in its place is only the hardened rock of my heart. How I long to feel human again.