I apologize for the insane amount of posts I’ve done today. What is this one, number five? It’s just… well… The day started out great, but now I’m really struggling. Really struggling.
As you can see from my previous post, I feel like I’m floating away. And then in my last post, how the body sensations have come back with a vengeance. And now, feeling physically ill without any apparent cause or source. Nauseous… Dizzy… Ill. I can tell this is not purely physical. That somehow it’s wrapped up in all the crazy emotional stuff that’s going on inside. It’s just… so hard.
Complain much? Yes, this is me just having a complain-fest. But I suppose sometimes it just has to be done.
Am I dreading going back to work tomorrow? Is that the source of all this emotional turmoil? My job, by any means, isn’t easy. And in fact, the relationship between Little Guy and his mother is extremely triggering for me. My therapist has suggested that it brings up feelings pertaining to the relationship I had with my own mother. How do I help myself to feel better? To calm down? To tell all parts of me that it’s okay, that although this job is hard, it also has its wonderful aspects that (seem to) outweigh the bad. Or am I just in denial about how hard it really is?
These body sensations only started once I was working for this family. Ever since the beginning I became very aware at how much the mother triggered me, and in particular, the way that she would interact with the little one. He would grow anxious and agitated around her. She didn’t calm him or attend to his needs; in fact, she seemed to make his distress even worse.
As much as I want to make life easier for Little Guy, there’s only so much I can do. She is his mother, after all. Perhaps that feeling of powerlessness is what propels some of the distress I feel when I’m at work. That seems to come out even more strongly after I leave work. I’m really good at ignoring and denying whatever it is that I’m experiencing. Is it that this job, in fact, is too difficult and triggering for me? Perhaps. I don’t know. How am I supposed to know these things? And besides, it’s a well paying job, and it is enabling me to be paying off my debt. And besides (and perhaps most importantly), I am quite attached to Little Guy, and he is to me. There’s no way I can abandon him. Especially not while he’s so little.
I feel trapped, confused, and tormented inside. What is it that I am feeling? I’m not even really sure. I just know it feels big and it feels scary and it feels overwhelming.
I wish my inner world would make sense for once in my life.
[Okay complain-fest now officially over.]