Monthly Archives: July 2012

Feeling ill. What is happening.

I apologize for the insane amount of posts I’ve done today. What is this one, number five? It’s just… well… The day started out great, but now I’m really struggling. Really struggling.

As you can see from my previous post, I feel like I’m floating away. And then in my last post, how the body sensations have come back with a vengeance. And now, feeling physically ill without any apparent cause or source. Nauseous… Dizzy… Ill. I can tell this is not purely physical. That somehow it’s wrapped up in all the crazy emotional stuff that’s going on inside. It’s just… so hard.

Complain much? Yes, this is me just having a complain-fest. But I suppose sometimes it just has to be done.

Am I dreading going back to work tomorrow? Is that the source of all this emotional turmoil? My job, by any means, isn’t easy. And in fact, the relationship between Little Guy and his mother is extremely triggering for me. My therapist has suggested that it brings up feelings pertaining to the relationship I had with my own mother. How do I help myself to feel better? To calm down? To tell all parts of me that it’s okay, that although this job is hard, it also has its wonderful aspects that (seem to) outweigh the bad. Or am I just in denial about how hard it really is?

These body sensations only started once I was working for this family. Ever since the beginning I became very aware at how much the mother triggered me, and in particular, the way that she would interact with the little one. He would grow anxious and agitated around her. She didn’t calm him or attend to his needs; in fact, she seemed to make his distress even worse.

As much as I want to make life easier for Little Guy, there’s only so much I can do. She is his mother, after all. Perhaps that feeling of powerlessness is what propels some of the distress I feel when I’m at work. That seems to come out even more strongly after I leave work. I’m really good at ignoring and denying whatever it is that I’m experiencing. Is it that this job, in fact, is too difficult and triggering for me? Perhaps. I don’t know. How am I supposed to know these things? And besides, it’s a well paying job, and it is enabling me to be paying off my debt. And besides (and perhaps most importantly), I am quite attached to Little Guy, and he is to me. There’s no way I can abandon him. Especially not while he’s so little.

I feel trapped, confused, and tormented inside. What is it that I am feeling? I’m not even really sure. I just know it feels big and it feels scary and it feels overwhelming.

I wish my inner world would make sense for once in my life.

[Okay complain-fest now officially over.]

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Floating

Floating through life

Not anchored to anything

I need a weight

To hold me down to earth

One minute I’m here

The next I don’t seem real

I am just cells floating in random space

Hovering, struggling

Crying out to the space between darkness and light

Existing in nothingness

Holding onto insubstantiality

Like a ghost in the night

I exist as a shadow

Walking the hallways of my mind

I am lost to myself

And even I

Cannot keep myself from floating

Floating away on the sea of dead possibilities

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Not-so-fat cat. Sunbathing.

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So much to be grateful for

Today is the last day of my time off from work. I have no obligations today. The day is for me to do as I chose, and the feeling is wonderful. Besides unpacking and doing some laundry and light cleaning, I am going to relax and watch the Olympics and perhaps journal. Then tonight I’m taking my partner out for a nice dinner to celebrate our five year anniversary.

I’m overcome with feelings of gratitude today. Gratitude for my life; to live in a wonderful city with my partner and my animals; gratitude for my friends; for my amazing therapist; gratitude for this wonderful blogging community and for all of you who read and support me on here. What would I do without this place? What would I do without all of you? You all have enriched my life in more ways than I could ever express.

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And then tomorrow I get to see Little Guy again, whom I miss dearly. Almost two weeks away from him – I bet he’s grown a lot!

In this moment, everything feels strangely okay. I think I could get used to this. šŸ™‚

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Scared part, defensive part, and more evidence of DID

I had my weekly therapy session with my therapist today. Some therapy sessions feel more productive than others. This one was one of the more productive ones.

The first part of the session was spent with a scared part of me up in front. This is actually quite typical, and seems to be the norm for me in my sessions with Bean. I feel fine driving to therapy (usually). I start getting anxious once I’m on the elevator and then even more anxious in the waiting room. And then once Bean opens the door to welcome me into the office, I feel myself getting moved aside and this shy/scared/quiet part of me coming to the front.

This part acts completely terrified. And yet every time my therapist asks if she feel scared, she shakes her head no. Either she doesn’t want to admit that she’s scared, or perhaps she doesn’t actually realize how scared she is, or at least how scared she acts. She tenses our body into a tight little knot, her (our) shoulders are up to her ears, she hides her face behind her hands; she even began shaking at some point. My therapist asked her if she wanted to hear what she looked like to her. Scared part nodded. She went on to say that this part reminded her of someone bracing to be hurt really badly. Either shouted out, or said horribly mean things to, or about to be hit. And that’s what it feels like – like she’s bracing up her body to be hurt. I don’t know whether that is true or not. She didn’t have a reaction to what Bean said. She often doesn’t have a reaction to what Bean says. For her to answer Bean’s questions is rare, and when she does, it’s usually an extremely slight nod, or head shake, or shrugging of the shoulders.

Eventually, I felt myself slowly returning back. I then spent the rest of the session discussing things that have happened in the last couple days, and things that I’ve learned about myself.

But first, I must give a small snippet of history:

For many years, two of my good (gay) friends were a couple. Married in fact. Then a couple years ago, it came out that one of the two was having an affair with someone else. Someone he ended up leaving his partner for.

What I did know

-That I was very angry at the time toward this friend
-That I spent endless amounts of time on the phone with him at the time yelling at him and telling him what a big mistake he was making
-That I refused to talk to him for over a year because of what he did and the hurt he caused his partner / my other friend

What I didn’t know

I didn’t know that I sent an angry email to the person my friend was cheating with behind my friend’s back and spouted angry words to this person.

WHAT?!

Not a clue. And after endless searching in my “sent” mailbox, the elusive email could not be found. I did however, find back and forth emails between myself and the friend I was angry at immediately after me sending the email, so there’s no question about whether it actually happened or not. Upon finding out about it, I felt shocked and embarrassed that I would do something so underhanded.

So…

This has caused me to discover that I have a protective part of me who emerges when I/we feel threatened or hurt, or when a close friend is threatened or hurt. This part uses sharp words and behavior to attack others, and operates from an extremely critical and judgmental place. This part is inexorably linked to me, and always thought it was just a “mode” I would get into, but now I’m starting to see that it’s an actual part of me who operates a bit separate from myself and who has a different way of thinking about things.

During my therapy session, every time I began speaking negatively about of this part – I hate the fact that I have such a harsh and judgmental part of me – my therapist reminded me that they are there for protective functions. Its purpose is to shield and protect me (or my loved ones) from hurt. It’s still a bit difficult to accept fully though. All of this is a bit big for my mind to hold all at once.

The good thing about this situation, and learning about the angry email I sent to this person I didn’t even know, is that this provides more evidence to the fact that I do have DID, and I must remind myself of these things when the denial starts to kick in. And the denial, like this summer heat, doesn’t ever seem to go away!

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“How?” /Hilarity/

So during my trip, and since I’ve been back, I’ve been watching as much of the Olympics as I can. I just love them. I am usually not a sports watching person, but I just love the atmosphere, the feel of the games, the support andĀ camaraderieĀ amongst players and competitors, all of it. I loved playing sports in junior high and high school, and even though I never wanted to be a professional athlete, my (secret) dream would have been to be a part of the Olympics. Not winning a medal or anything (even though of course that would be nice!) but just being a part of it. Hopefully someday I’ll get to attend one in person. How fun would that be!

I usually just mute the commercials (or fastforward through them if something is recorded), but this one DirecTV commercial I cannot get enough of. It makes me laugh every single time. This might sound strange, but the series of back and forth questions and answers with himself is actually quite similar to my life sometimes. It’s not uncommon for my head to sound like this! Lol.

If you’ve been watching the Olympics, I’m guessing you may have seen this commercial? If you haven’t for whatever reason, here it is for your enjoyment.

 

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Back to my life. No thanks.

Home. Feeling blah. Anger pushing up. Ggg. Why must I return to my life. I don’t want my life. I don’t want to be me. I want to be on permanent vacation. A forever escape. Why did I have to come home. I should be happy I’m home. Right? Back with my cats? Back with my partner? Why am I not happy? And where did my peace go? Sorry I must sound like a child complaining. Sometimes I just wish I could press a button and make everything feel easier.

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