I am overcome with guilt. I try to be the most reliable and trustworthy person I can. I am trying to counter the feelings of unworthiness and self-hatred, but it’s hard. They are trying to pull me under.
I made a commitment to a woman I used to work for. I told her I could help her with something in a couple weeks, something she really needed help with. She was going to pay me, and she told me how much she appreciated me helping her. Then a few days ago I told my partner about it. My partner reminded me that that was the day we are leaving for our trip. We are leaving in the morning, and the job I was supposed to do for this woman was going to be in the middle of the day for a big chunk of time. Also, this woman is moving away next month, so this was going to probably be the last time I got to see her, and do a job for her. It was going to be my chance to say goodbye, and also my last chance to work for her. For several days I’ve avoided calling her, because I didn’t know what to say. I committed to helping her almost two weeks ago. It was only recently that I mentioned it to Partner.
I called her tonight and luckily she didn’t answer. I left her a message explaining that I can’t help her that day because I got the dates mixed up, and that I’m actually leaving to go out of town on that day. I told her how sorry I was, and that I had really wanted to be there to help. I also told her I would love the opportunity to say goodbye before she moved away, and I reiterated how sorry I was that I had gotten the dates mixed up.
I feel like an awful human being. Things like this have happened to me my whole life. I’m extremely forgetful, and get dates mixed up. I’ve been much better the last few years, but I still get things mixed up. Things that don’t just hurt or affect me, but other people. She was really counting on me, and I’m totally letting her down. After I’ve shown to her how reliable I can be. And now that she’s moving away I won’t even have a chance to redeem myself.
I am really upset. I’m trying not to go down the path of self-hatred but it’s so hard. I can’t stand the thought of letting someone down who was really counting on me. Especially someone I care about. It feels completely unforgivable. Totally and completely unforgivable.