Unforgivable

I am overcome with guilt. I try to be the most reliable and trustworthy person I can. I am trying to counter the feelings of unworthiness and self-hatred, but it’s hard. They are trying to pull me under.

I made a commitment to a woman I used to work for. I told her I could help her with something in a couple weeks, something she really needed help with. She was going to pay me, and she told me how much she appreciated me helping her. Then a few days ago I told my partner about it. My partner reminded me that that was the day we are leaving for our trip. We are leaving in the morning, and the job I was supposed to do for this woman was going to be in the middle of the day for a big chunk of time. Also, this woman is moving away next month, so this was going to probably be the last time I got to see her, and do a job for her. It was going to be my chance to say goodbye, and also my last chance to work for her. For several days I’ve avoided calling her, because I didn’t know what to say. I committed to helping her almost two weeks ago. It was only recently that I mentioned it to Partner.

I called her tonight and luckily she didn’t answer. I left her a message explaining that I can’t help her that day because I got the dates mixed up, and that I’m actually leaving to go out of town on that day. I told her how sorry I was, and that I had really wanted to be there to help. I also told her I would love the opportunity to say goodbye before she moved away, and I reiterated how sorry I was that I had gotten the dates mixed up.

I feel like an awful human being. Things like this have happened to me my whole life. I’m extremely forgetful, and get dates mixed up. I’ve been much better the last few years, but I still get things mixed up. Things that don’t just hurt or affect me, but other people. She was really counting on me, and I’m totally letting her down. After I’ve shown to her how reliable I can be. And now that she’s moving away I won’t even have a chance to redeem myself.

I am really upset. I’m trying not to go down the path of self-hatred but it’s so hard. I can’t stand the thought of letting someone down who was really counting on me. Especially someone I care about. It feels completely unforgivable. Totally and completely unforgivable.

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13 Comments

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13 responses to “Unforgivable

  1. try not to be too harsh on yourself it was a genuine mistake and I’m sure she will understand, try calling her again and tell her you want to say goodbye in person and explain again how upset it has made you that you have let her down.

    • Yeah. Well, part of the problem is that she is a very hot/cold, unpredictable person, so I can see myself never hearing from her again. I have to remind myself that that’s out of my control, and that if she doesn’t respond back to me, then it’s nothing about me, it’s about her.

      Thanks for your comment

  2. you are human and we all make these little mistakes and miscalculations, it’s an accepted part of life. you needn’t punish yourself for being imperfect, you were heartfelt and kind in your message to her and that goes a long way. i understand how upsetting it is to “fail” at things in this way, but it says nothing about your self worth, it is a mere calender adjustment and inconvenience. people are allowed to make mistakes. if someone else made this mistake, you would most likely be very understanding.

    • You are right, if someone else made this mistake, I would be totally understanding. The thing is… she’s not a very understanding person. And she holds grudges. She is also very unpredictable. Which isn’t to say she’s not a good person – she can be very warm and kind – but the unpredictability factor is difficult, especially when I was working for her. She was always asking me last minute to work, or cancelling me coming last minute. One day she would talk to me a bunch, the next she wouldn’t talk to me at all.

      I think part of the reason I was so upset with myself last night is because of my fear of upsetting her, which I imagine I probably did. But… it’s beyond my control and I have to just let it go I think.

  3. Mistakes happen to all of us. I am sure that this person has made a few in her life as well. I know it is hard but try to lighten up on you and realize that none of us are perfect. 🙂

  4. I make mistakes like this all the time, and it’s hard. Absent-mindedness doesn’t make you a terrible person. *hugs*

  5. Everyone makes mistakes like this on a regular basis, so don’t beat yourself up over this. Maybe you can start writing your appointments and plans down on a calender, or put them in your phone’s appointment section so you can get reminders and such.

    • Yes, I’m done beating myself up for things I really shouldn’t be beating myself up for. Oh and yes, great idea about the calendar. In fact, I actually use my iPhone’s calendar and reminders for *everything* – don’t know what I’d do without it honestly! – but this is the one time I forgot to put it in there :/

      • Good for you! 😀 And wise choice about the iPhone calendar, but I’ve tried it on my iPad and never gotten the reminder to make a sound \_(‘/)_/

  6. You are not an awful person. You are a lovely person 🙂

    Mistakes hapen. Please don’t be so hard on yourself xx

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