I don’t know what is happening to me. All these things are pushing up inside. All this commotion, confusion, anger, screams, desires to do drastic things, a strong desire to cut my body (a feeling I’ve never had before)… I don’t know what to do with all this. I am in over my head.
I don’t know why I think this, or where this idea comes from, but I have a feeling that all this stuff that is going on inside me relates to my birthday that is coming up in a few weeks. Which doesn’t make any sense. Birthdays are supposed to be a happy event, right? My memory is crap, but I seem to vaguely recall something similar to this happening last year leading up to my birthday. Or I could be completely making that up, I don’t know. All I know is that on my birthday weekend last year, another depressed part of me took over, and I helplessly watched while “I” stayed in bed the entire weekend.
I called Bean, my therapist, on her cell phone about twenty minutes ago and left her a message. Her cell is only supposed to be used for “emergencies only,” but in all honesty, this feels like an emergency. I can’t remember the last time I felt this emotionally chaotic and destabilized. I need to numb this. I want to numb this. I just don’t know how. I am completely lost and alone with all of this. I have been in such an awful place that I haven’t even been able to read other people’s blogs. That usually provides me some hope and sense of connection. I’m isolating myself because of these feelings; even on here.
All I ask is that my readers please don’t give up on me. As pathetic as this might sound, I need you right now. I am usually not one to ask for help or support, but I am in major need of both these things. Even admitting this brings a sick feeling into my gut. I must ignore it.
I was conditioned growing up to always be positive. To always smile and act cheerful. If not, my father would act rageful toward me and my mom would ignore me altogether. So even being open and telling you all how bad I am doing and how much I am struggling sends fear through my body- that you will all hate me, or you will all ignore me. I’m not sure which one is worse.
I am hanging onto a thin, thin thread. What I need is a lifeline. Anyone know where I might be able to find one?