I don’t know what is happening to me. All these things are pushing up inside. All this commotion, confusion, anger, screams, desires to do drastic things, a strong desire to cut my body (a feeling I’ve never had before)… I don’t know what to do with all this. I am in over my head.
I don’t know why I think this, or where this idea comes from, but I have a feeling that all this stuff that is going on inside me relates to my birthday that is coming up in a few weeks. Which doesn’t make any sense. Birthdays are supposed to be a happy event, right? My memory is crap, but I seem to vaguely recall something similar to this happening last year leading up to my birthday. Or I could be completely making that up, I don’t know. All I know is that on my birthday weekend last year, another depressed part of me took over, and I helplessly watched while “I” stayed in bed the entire weekend.
I called Bean, my therapist, on her cell phone about twenty minutes ago and left her a message. Her cell is only supposed to be used for “emergencies only,” but in all honesty, this feels like an emergency. I can’t remember the last time I felt this emotionally chaotic and destabilized. I need to numb this. I want to numb this. I just don’t know how. I am completely lost and alone with all of this. I have been in such an awful place that I haven’t even been able to read other people’s blogs. That usually provides me some hope and sense of connection. I’m isolating myself because of these feelings; even on here.
All I ask is that my readers please don’t give up on me. As pathetic as this might sound, I need you right now. I am usually not one to ask for help or support, but I am in major need of both these things. Even admitting this brings a sick feeling into my gut. I must ignore it.
I was conditioned growing up to always be positive. To always smile and act cheerful. If not, my father would act rageful toward me and my mom would ignore me altogether. So even being open and telling you all how bad I am doing and how much I am struggling sends fear through my body- that you will all hate me, or you will all ignore me. I’m not sure which one is worse.
I am hanging onto a thin, thin thread. What I need is a lifeline. Anyone know where I might be able to find one?
nothinginmynoggin 
I guess the only lifeline I cling to is that feelings are flighty. Seems like several people I know, myself included, are going through this kind of ugly time and all that can be done is to try to keep walking waiting for the sorrows and emptiness to subside and open us to something better or at least less suffocating.
I have a major birthday trigger that I haven’t figured out yet too. Sorry, that is tough to try to work on.
Please do not feel any guilt or condemnation for asking for support. Without it, many of us would literally not be here.
Are you going hiking again this weekend?
Feelings *are* flighty. I must remember this.
I spoke briefly with my therapist (briefly because she was calling in between clients) and told her I think these feelings relate to my birthday coming up. She said that that makes absolute sense. Unfortunately I didn’t have time to ask her to explain, but I intend to ask more about it in my session on Monday.
I was gonna try to hike on Saturday, but my brother (the one who doesn’t trigger me) is coming into town that day with my niece and nephew so I’ll be spending the day with them. That should be nice 🙂
Thanks for your words of support.
Hi It’s the gelfontheshelf! I’m so sorry you are feeling like this and yes this did happen around the time of your last birthday. Your readers and friends are not going to give up on you because you are struggling..this is when you need the most support. I love you and the mrs. and I are here for you unconditionally. I hope to see you tonight! I think it will be a good distraction but also I understand if you’re not up for it. Out of the ashes makes a good point about feelings being flighty..a few days ago I was in hysterics..and I was in the lowest place that I’ve been in a long time but after crying it out and hiking it out and watching my favorite show..I felt a little calmer. You will get through this.
I’m a new follower of yours and surely not to be considered a friend, but I do offer my empathy and support. I’m so sorry things are hard, especially around a celebratory time for “normal” people.
I’m certainly no lifeline, but I do offer a smile and pleasant words and kind thoughts.
-Kit
Hi Kit, thank you so much for the smile and the words and kind thoughts. They mean a lot.
Glad you could talk to your T, even just for a few minutes. I find writing it out helps me. Feelings do pass, and sometimes I just have to lie there and feel them until they do.
I also find birthdays can be hard, especially if my life is not going well.
Hope it gets better for you soon.
Thank you so much Ellen
Somebody asked for a lifeline? I would offer you hugs,but I don’t think either of us is into that, so I’m sending you as many cyberhugs as you need to tide you over. I’m sorry things have become so overwhelming for you, and the most hope that I can give you is that you will get through this. The pain, and the darkness, they will not hold you forever, they will pass. You aren’t alone, and I won’t shun you for needing to express your feelings. Let them out, keeping them in will make things worse for you. Asking for help and support is not pathetic, you’re going through a really difficult time and you should ask us for company when you need it. Take care of yourself <3<3<3
Thank you times a thousand. 🙂
<3<3<3
Hey you. I’m so sorry that you’re feeling so rotten right now. Didn’t we have a ‘chin up’ deal?!
There’s not a chance I’m giving up on you and from the comments above I think it’s safe to say that all of your readers are here for you in your hour of need.
Let me know if I can do anything, otherwise, just keep posting because it’s better out than in.
Take care, WeeGee xx
Wee Gee, thank you so much. You are so kind. Yes, chin up! Today I’m able to do that a little better than yesterday :). It rained a bit last night and this morning, and the rain ALWAYS cheers me up. It’s like the physical embodiment of my own emotional release. It doesn’t rain much where I live, but when it does, it’s delightful and brings me much joy.
How are you doing today?
It ALWAYS rains hear in the UK, so it’s the sunshine that puts a smile on my face…. I suppose you just want what you don’t tend to get in the end!
All good here. Well, as all good as it gets. Glad you’re doing better.
*hugs* I often find birthdays triggering, too. I just wanted to offer my support. 🙂
Thank you Angel. Your support much appreciated