Pic from my drive yesterday.
Today’s the last day of my vacation. Later on we will make the drive home. For now, I’m going to enjoy the quiet and solitude of this cold and misty morning, the beautiful view of the water, the sound the gulls, and the leisureness of this time.
I am filled with joy. I can’t remember a time when I’ve felt such peace. Such tranquility. My life back home is filled with such inner turbulence and turmoil, and this is such a wonderful break from that. I hope to be able to carry some of this peace back home with me. Perhaps my empty fudge box will do. 😉
I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude. For my life; for my friends; for this place.
I hope to give you all a piece of this tranquility.
And now, back to my coffee and my quiet thoughts. This world, for the moment, is mine to enjoy. =]
Away from the world
Sitting in my cocoon of comfort
Trees, ocean, grass embrace me
I long for this to be my life
I will enjoy it, while it lasts
I am, at the moment, content
This makes me overwhelmingly happy.
Every time I lie down to try and go to sleep, panic overtakes me, so I thought I would write as a way to distract myself.
I’ve been having a lovely vacation. My partner has returned home and several of my good friends have joined me up in the northern part of the state where I am. We have one more full day and then we make the return drive home on Sunday. It went by too quickly!
Today I swam in the chilly waters of the Pacific. My whole body pretty much went numb at some point, but I didn’t mind. I love the ocean! Tomorrow we are driving down the coast a ways to go hiking. I’m looking forward to it, although I have to say I’m not feeling well – feel like I’m coming down with a cold, my back has been acting up, and on top of that my body doesn’t seem to want me to sleep for some reason. Sigh.
We’ve been eating well up here! My favorite restaurant that we’ve been to was this little place that is like an English cottage. They serve these scones that I could eat by the bucketful if I could. Wow. And the omelet? One of the best I’ve ever had.
My pup loves being able to be in so much nature, and run free off lease, far away from the cars and the big mean city dogs lol. (She has an aversion to big, aggressive dogs. Who doesn’t!)
Well my eyelids are growing heavy, and my anxiety seems to have subsided. For now. Fingers crossed it’ll stay that way.
Sending smiles to you all from my very beautiful coastal vacation spot. 🙂
Where did you go?
You have left
And all that remains
Is the shadow of your embrace
I see you in the trees
I hear you in the wind
Yet you are not here
My soul cries out for you
And I wonder
Where have you gone?
Over the course of the last few days, while I’ve been on vacation, my mind has traversed a variety of emotions that have seemed to come out of nowhere. This is nothing new; unexpected feelings often assail me. And the fact that I’m on vacation does not follow that I’m on vacation from my internal world.
The one that has come up most strongly, albeit fairly infrequently, has been anger and rage. Especially, I’ve noticed, when I’m drinking wine. This also isn’t uncommon. Often dissociated feelings come up when I let me guard down – ie drink. I don’t like being drunk. When I have wine, I usually only have one or two glasses. I don’t like the feeling of being out of control that comes with being drunk. There are a few exceptions: when I go out with my friends for a fun time, for instance. That is few and far between though. For the most part, me + drunk = bad combo. So I don’t do it.
But even with only a drink or two in me, feelings that are often repressed or outside my conscious awareness tend to come up. The most common, it seems, is rage.
When these feelings have come up over the last several days, I’ve tried my best to just let the feelings wash over me and try not to fight them. I’ve learned that fighting them or trying to push them away often makes them worse.
Where this anger and rage comes from, I can only guess. I would assume from other dissociated parts of me. This knowledge (or assumption) doesn’t make the situation any easier though. The feelings are there, and they are big. But I’ve been trying to treat them the same way I try to treat every other part of me: with gentleness and acceptance. Which isn’t to say this is easy. But I’ve noticed when I can accept these feelings and just observe them and allow them to be there actually makes the overall experience of them much more manageable.
Now the question comes into play: what’s behind this anger and rage? I suppose that’s what therapy is supposed to help me with. For now, I’m going to try not to worry about it too much. After all, I have my vacation to enjoy!