Holding tight to okay

On the outside, I’m doing great. Things are going well with my partner. Things are going well with my therapist. I had a good first day back at work. (Little Guy has grown so much!) Yet why is there this haunting feeling. Dread. Pushing. Aching. Insides hurting.

I don’t know. I also don’t know how I can appear to seem as “okay” as I am. I suppose that’s what I’ve done my whole life. Pretended I’m okay. When I’m really not.

If I’m not okay, then what am I?

Good question Brandic. I wish I knew.

I feel like I’m holding off a storm. That I’m like some weather god in the sky, forcing the storm back with my will. I won’t allow it to come. But why? I suppose, who wants a storm?

My therapist Bean left for a trip today and will return Sunday. Then I see her Monday, and then she leaves again on Wednesday for a whole week. I’ve been not allowing myself to think about her absence. But I think it’s affecting me. To what extent, I’m not sure.

Why do I cling so strongly to okay? Why do I try so hard to maintain this image of normality? (I borrowed this phrase from Feral55 – I hope you don’t mind Feral!) I want to be able to let go. To drop this image of okay. To allow myself to become a mess and to fall apart. To allow these body sensations to tell me something. To listen inside, however painful it might be.

And yet I can’t. I just can’t do it. It’s like telling someone who has walked on their feet their whole life to begin walking on their hands. I can’t see it happening. My whole being wont allow it to happen.

I long for the day where I can not be okay, and that it will be okay.

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “Holding tight to okay

  1. I know this might sound daft – but you don’t have to fall apart so that you can be not okay, you just need to say it. Also It’s okay to me not okay (I pinched that from another blogger – Hello Sailor)

    Take care lovely xx

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