On the outside, I’m doing great. Things are going well with my partner. Things are going well with my therapist. I had a good first day back at work. (Little Guy has grown so much!) Yet why is there this haunting feeling. Dread. Pushing. Aching. Insides hurting.
I don’t know. I also don’t know how I can appear to seem as “okay” as I am. I suppose that’s what I’ve done my whole life. Pretended I’m okay. When I’m really not.
If I’m not okay, then what am I?
Good question Brandic. I wish I knew.
I feel like I’m holding off a storm. That I’m like some weather god in the sky, forcing the storm back with my will. I won’t allow it to come. But why? I suppose, who wants a storm?
My therapist Bean left for a trip today and will return Sunday. Then I see her Monday, and then she leaves again on Wednesday for a whole week. I’ve been not allowing myself to think about her absence. But I think it’s affecting me. To what extent, I’m not sure.
Why do I cling so strongly to okay? Why do I try so hard to maintain this image of normality? (I borrowed this phrase from Feral55 – I hope you don’t mind Feral!) I want to be able to let go. To drop this image of okay. To allow myself to become a mess and to fall apart. To allow these body sensations to tell me something. To listen inside, however painful it might be.
And yet I can’t. I just can’t do it. It’s like telling someone who has walked on their feet their whole life to begin walking on their hands. I can’t see it happening. My whole being wont allow it to happen.
I long for the day where I can not be okay, and that it will be okay.