I know I promised everyone that I would write about my jet pack adventure yesterday. And I will. I just don’t think I can at the moment. I do apologize.
Right now I don’t know what is going on. I’m feeling things and not feeling things at the same time, if that makes any sense. And I’m not even sure what those feelings are. The only thing that I know is that I feel… strange.
I’m sorry if this is going to ultimately be a waste of a post. I wanted to write something, and have it mean something, but I’m afraid I just can’t do that at the moment. And I feel like talking about the goings-on in my life would be trivial since I’m not caring about anything that’s going on in my life right now. I suppose I just wish I knew what these strange feelings were. Perhaps my mind is feeling big things – anger, rage, depression, fill in the blank – but another part of my mind is shielding me from them. I really don’t know. But I don’t like it.
I think I am angry. Is it strange to know that you are angry but aren’t feeling angry? I’m having thoughts of wanting to smash my head through a window. So perhaps I am angry, yeah. Maybe I just want out of this life. But then I think, how selfish of me to think this. I have everything that I need really. A home to come home to, a partner who loves me, friends who care about me. So why do I not care about all of that right now? Why do I feel like my life is meaningless and not worth living.
My therapist is away for a week. And she wasn’t able to schedule a phone session since she’s visiting family and she said she doesn’t know what her schedule will be like. When she told me this, she followed it up by saying, “You know how it is…”
Do I? Do I know how it is? I live in the same city as much of my family so I suppose I don’t know. Perhaps that was her way of gently trying to tell me that this is her time to spend with her family, and that she doesn’t want “work” interfering with that. I get it. She deserves a break. But where does that leave me?
It leaves me feeling empty and alone and not caring about life. Guh.