I’m going to allow myself to go on a total tangent / verbal vomit. (Can you appreciate my alliteration here?)
As you can probably surmise from my last post, I’m not in the greatest place. Or space. Whichever word you prefer.
Why, you might ask? If only I knew. Post birthday blues perhaps? My-therapist-is-away emotional dive? Mr Lonely rearing his mean head? All of the above?
All I know is that I am not liking my life at the present moment. Or myself. Or others. I’m not feeling any connection to anything or anyone. Feeling like a total waste of space really. Kinda wishing that it was all over. And then being upset with myself for thinking that way. What right do I have to want my life to be over when there are people out there with lives much much worse than mine. I really don’t. I don’t have that right at all.
I guess I’m wondering what’s the point really. When you really think about it. What is the point of being alive. To just get through it? But we don’t get through it do we. We all end up in the same place in the end anyway. Why not sooner than later?
As you can see I’m not my usual chipper self. What am I saying. Am I usually chipper? I don’t even know. For all I know that’s another one of my grand delusions – that I’m a positive person. That I effect a positive change in people’s lives. Who am I kidding really.
If I have helped anyone’s lives for the good it’s because of false pretenses. It’s because people are under the false assumption that I’m a good person with good intentions. Wipe that assumption from your head right now. I’m not a good person. And how can I help others when I can’t even help myself?
As I was driving home this evening, my mind began going down the road of, “If you vanished off this earth right now, would it really make a difference? Would it really matter to anyone?” Please don’t misunderstand. I’m not looking for pity. I just want to share where my mind was at. Is at. Whatever. But I really do wonder. How much does my presence here on this earth really matter in the larger scheme of things.
There are times in my life where I have wished to have a tragic accident happen that takes my life. Or wished for a fatal disease. Again, not looking for a pity party. It’s just… Wouldn’t it be easier knowing it was going to end sooner rather than later? At least the pain and suffering would have an end in sight, would it not?
I mean honestly, what is the point in living? I’m not asking this rhetorically, I’m genuinely wondering. For people to want to live, the benefits must outweigh the hardships, right? And if not, there must be something worth holding onto, right? Even if it’s the believe (or perhaps just hope) that things will get better. Well what I’m wondering is, what if they don’t? What if things just continue on just like they are. What then?
Okay well I’m going to stop this tangent / verbal vomit before I go spiraling out of control into a mess of total nonsense which I am prone to do from time to time.
One last thing – is it normal to want to apologize for your very existence? Random, I know, but as we’ve already established, this is one long tangent so random is right on par with that, wouldn’t you say? Sometimes I feel the need to apologize for even existing. That probably makes no sense whatsoever so just ignore that I said that.
Didn’t I say I was going to stop? Right. This is me stopping. Sorry everyone. It’s a bit of a crazy and chaotic mind that Brandic is operating from tonight. As though you couldn’t tell that already.