Late night verbal vomit

I’m going to allow myself to go on a total tangent / verbal vomit. (Can you appreciate my alliteration here?)

As you can probably surmise from my last post, I’m not in the greatest place. Or space. Whichever word you prefer.

Why, you might ask? If only I knew. Post birthday blues perhaps? My-therapist-is-away emotional dive? Mr Lonely rearing his mean head? All of the above?

All I know is that I am not liking my life at the present moment. Or myself. Or others. I’m not feeling any connection to anything or anyone. Feeling like a total waste of space really. Kinda wishing that it was all over. And then being upset with myself for thinking that way. What right do I have to want my life to be over when there are people out there with lives much much worse than mine. I really don’t. I don’t have that right at all.

I guess I’m wondering what’s the point really. When you really think about it. What is the point of being alive. To just get through it? But we don’t get through it do we. We all end up in the same place in the end anyway. Why not sooner than later?

As you can see I’m not my usual chipper self. What am I saying. Am I usually chipper? I don’t even know. For all I know that’s another one of my grand delusions – that I’m a positive person. That I effect a positive change in people’s lives. Who am I kidding really.

If I have helped anyone’s lives for the good it’s because of false pretenses. It’s because people are under the false assumption that I’m a good person with good intentions. Wipe that assumption from your head right now. I’m not a good person. And how can I help others when I can’t even help myself?

As I was driving home this evening, my mind began going down the road of, “If you vanished off this earth right now, would it really make a difference? Would it really matter to anyone?” Please don’t misunderstand. I’m not looking for pity. I just want to share where my mind was at. Is at. Whatever. But I really do wonder. How much does my presence here on this earth really matter in the larger scheme of things.

There are times in my life where I have wished to have a tragic accident happen that takes my life. Or wished for a fatal disease. Again, not looking for a pity party. It’s just… Wouldn’t it be easier knowing it was going to end sooner rather than later? At least the pain and suffering would have an end in sight, would it not?

I mean honestly, what is the point in living? I’m not asking this rhetorically, I’m genuinely wondering. For people to want to live, the benefits must outweigh the hardships, right? And if not, there must be something worth holding onto, right? Even if it’s the believe (or perhaps just hope) that things will get better. Well what I’m wondering is, what if they don’t? What if things just continue on just like they are. What then?

Okay well I’m going to stop this tangent / verbal vomit before I go spiraling out of control into a mess of total nonsense which I am prone to do from time to time.

One last thing – is it normal to want to apologize for your very existence? Random, I know, but as we’ve already established, this is one long tangent so random is right on par with that, wouldn’t you say? Sometimes I feel the need to apologize for even existing. That probably makes no sense whatsoever so just ignore that I said that.

Didn’t I say I was going to stop? Right. This is me stopping. Sorry everyone. It’s a bit of a crazy and chaotic mind that Brandic is operating from tonight. As though you couldn’t tell that already.

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12 Comments

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12 responses to “Late night verbal vomit

  1. I know I’m just a stranger, but you matter to me. There is always something to live for. I know it’s hard (pretty much all the time) but I’m positive it will get better. We are all here for you. xx

  2. Things will change, you change too… I was thinking the other day reading your blog, that the “nothing”picture on top, should really rather say “someone special”. Because you are! 🙂

  3. aynetal3

    “Place – space” one more ethereal? I think a lot of the problems with building “worst scenarios” are that we never learned how to cope and calm ourselves when stressed out. I have chronic suicidality too. Just a matter of learning from it? I KNOW that writing helps and sometimes we even get feedback  See an extra bonus! Self-reflection and communication. Thinking you’ve got positive AND negative issues battling for reality. Both are real! Effects are real  Point of living might simply be because … we can? Depends on you to work out self-branding… I mean this positively. Which direction do you want to work toward? Our first knowledge of working with the abusiveness we held toward ourselves is that you have to work sometimes minute by minute and hour by hour on just being nice to yourself – even if only brushing your hair? Got brush will travel? I’m still on J – wondering where the hell K is and hoping it has a pool 🙂
    Our best,
    Anns

  4. Do you know what? I often think that there isn’t a point to anything: you live, you die, the end and as you say, why not sooner rather than later.

    The thing is – there probably isn’t a point. But that’s okay. You just keep on keeping on and every so often something amazing (like jet-packing or the Olympic Games) will come along and you reaslise it was worth keeping on even if there isn’t a point.

    Does that make sense?

    Chin up my loveley friend. You know you matter to me, don’t you? If you dissapeared off the planet I’d come looking for you in my spaceship 😉

    xxx

  5. The way I look at it is wanting to live is an instinct. When too much crap comes at us, either externally or internally, that instinct goes haywire. Then the brain kicks in with questions like ‘what’s the point’? I don’t think that the answer is going to be rational – more like a change in feeling.

    I have been there also. Hope you are feeling better soon.

  6. The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital)

    Like me, my friend, we have a lot of work to do on forming our sense of self and finding the reasons to live this life. I also question the same that you are questioning.

    I wish I had the answer for you but I just wanted to let you know that you’re not by yourself. You are not alone.

    Take care and keep the fight up! I really do think it’ll be worth it in the end! Xx

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