As a lay here in my exhaustion, trying to keep the loneliness at bay, the desire for “the one” plays strongly upon my mind like a pianist tapping the ivory keys of a piano. Who is the one, you might ask? The one who comes and fills me up with contentment. The one who puts me above all else. The one who loves me unconditionally. The one who understands me inside and out. The one who hurts when I hurt. The one who cries when I cry. The one who revels in my happiness.
Is this “one” a partner? Friend? God? I don’t know. But I know I’ve always wished for them. I always wished for someone in my life whose love was undying; who thought the world of me; who understood me even when I couldn’t understand myself.
The problem is that I’ve looked for “the one” in others. I’ve expected my partners to understand me inside and out. I’ve hoped that my close friends would want to know every facet of me: the dark, the light, all of it. And for a huge chunk of my life, I believed that “God” was this entity that would and could fulfill me in every possible way.
I’ve come to realize that there is no “one” who will ever know me inside and out. Whose love will transcend all other loves. Who will complete me and fulfill me and heal me. For that, sadly and truly, I am completely on my own. The people in my life can love me, in their limited ways, and care about me, with the best intentions, and understand me, with their limited understanding, and support me, as long as they have the time and energy. There is no “one” who will ever make me feel totally and completely whole. Fully and completely loved. Wholly and unconditionally accepted. Unfortunately I have to find a way to do that for myself. And I’m a long way from that place my friends.
And as for God… Well, I don’t mean to offend any of you, but I no longer see God as a tangible thing in my life. I think God is an idea, a fantasy perhaps. A way to make sense of things that simply just don’t make sense. Something to hold onto so that that we can carry on in our lives with hope and with purpose. But since I stopped believing 100% in the idea that a god actually does exist, my life hasn’t changed all that much. Only perhaps that I question things more. But I see questioning things as a good thing. In my opinion.
So where does that leave me. That leaves me with no “one” who understands my every last thought, feeling, will, and desire. That leaves me empty. And this realization then leads to another realization: I have always been empty. I have always been lonely. I have always been alone. Even around others. Alone. Even with friends. Alone. Even with my partner. Alone. I must walk though this life alone. And if I find some willing travelers who may share the path with which I walk: great. But I don’t expect for them, through thick or through thin, to always be walking along beside me. I’ve learned that “always” doesn’t exist. There are no assurances. The only assurance is that you’ll go through life with yourself. And if you get lucky, perhaps a couple fellow travelers may linger by your side. But your path is ultimately yours and yours alone to travel. What a sad and lonely truth.