The One

As a lay here in my exhaustion, trying to keep the loneliness at bay, the desire for “the one” plays strongly upon my mind like a pianist tapping the ivory keys of a piano. Who is the one, you might ask? The one who comes and fills me up with contentment. The one who puts me above all else. The one who loves me unconditionally. The one who understands me inside and out. The one who hurts when I hurt. The one who cries when I cry. The one who revels in my happiness.

Is this “one” a partner? Friend? God? I don’t know. But I know I’ve always wished for them. I always wished for someone in my life whose love was undying; who thought the world of me; who understood me even when I couldn’t understand myself.

The problem is that I’ve looked for “the one” in others. I’ve expected my partners to understand me inside and out. I’ve hoped that my close friends would want to know every facet of me: the dark, the light, all of it. And for a huge chunk of my life, I believed that “God” was this entity that would and could fulfill me in every possible way.

I’ve come to realize that there is no “one” who will ever know me inside and out. Whose love will transcend all other loves. Who will complete me and fulfill me and heal me. For that, sadly and truly, I am completely on my own. The people in my life can love me, in their limited ways, and care about me, with the best intentions, and understand me, with their limited understanding, and support me, as long as they have the time and energy. There is no “one” who will ever make me feel totally and completely whole. Fully and completely loved. Wholly and unconditionally accepted. Unfortunately I have to find a way to do that for myself. And I’m a long way from that place my friends.

And as for God… Well, I don’t mean to offend any of you, but I no longer see God as a tangible thing in my life. I think God is an idea, a fantasy perhaps. A way to make sense of things that simply just don’t make sense. Something to hold onto so that that we can carry on in our lives with hope and with purpose. But since I stopped believing 100% in the idea that a god actually does exist, my life hasn’t changed all that much. Only perhaps that I question things more. But I see questioning things as a good thing. In my opinion.

So where does that leave me. That leaves me with no “one” who understands my every last thought, feeling, will, and desire. That leaves me empty. And this realization then leads to another realization: I have always been empty. I have always been lonely. I have always been alone. Even around others. Alone. Even with friends. Alone. Even with my partner. Alone. I must walk though this life alone. And if I find some willing travelers who may share the path with which I walk: great. But I don’t expect for them, through thick or through thin, to always be walking along beside me. I’ve learned that “always” doesn’t exist. There are no assurances. The only assurance is that you’ll go through life with yourself. And if you get lucky, perhaps a couple fellow travelers may linger by your side. But your path is ultimately yours and yours alone to travel. What a sad and lonely truth.

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9 Comments

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9 responses to “The One

  1. This is indeed a sad and lonely post. Perhaps those who believe in higher powers can not bear to believe in something so sad and lonely.

    You say your post may offend some of your readers; it did not offend me. Only made me sad for you. Because I wish I could convince you you are not alone, and that you are not empty(even though it feels this way). But whether or not there is a higher power, I do not believe that life is intended to be so lonely as you suggest. You do indeed have fellow travelers by your side. And maybe they will last a lifetime…maybe they will not. Regardless, there are others, others who can fill us with joy. There are still puppies to hold and babies to feed and birds who fall out of trees and need rescuing. As long as these things exist…others will always be a part of your journey, and you will be a part of theirs.

    The child you care for right now, you are part of his journey. You may not know him his entire life. But your life will have influenced him forever, meaning he won’t ever be alone. And he has influenced you…the way you write is proof of the joy you have been given as a result of being one of his caregivers. Neither can that joy be taken away from you. It will always be there, traveling with you on your journey.

  2. Oh Brandic,

    I hope my last post did not trigger this lonliness in you…… That said, I can identify with parts of this.

    The longing for “the one.” Except, I had “the one.” For six years, God loaned him to me. And for those six years, I felt like I truly lived. I found parts of myself I never knew existed. I had conversations with my “one” that never needed words. We understood each other like no other. Our love sustained us through so many horrors that were his life. That love allowed him to live four years past expecttions. When he was with me, life had an ambiance that it had always lacked, even through his life’s difficulties. And now that he is gone, that light left with him though it does shine through for me on occasion. It is not the same. I miss him every day.

    So, I do believe in “the one.” But I also believe they are rare and short-lived. They show us what our lives can be and then they move out of the way for us to attain that on our own.

    Sending you love.

    • Ash~

      Your comment actually helped me feel better. You are right – there are those who are “the one” who may not be with us our whole lives. Ive had friends who I thought knew me inside and out, who cared more than anyone else has cared. Sadly, these friendships, for one reason or another, came to an end. I suppose I am mourning those connections.

      I’m so sorry you had to endure such a tragic loss. Of someone who was so precious to you. My hope for him is that he’s in a better place, free from all his suffering. I’m sorry that it left you with a void in your heart. 😦

      But… we have each other don’t we. Fellow souls who are struggling and who perhaps can understand each other in ways others can’t? I value your friendship very much. And the support you give me. I hope I can do the same for you.

      Thanks for your thoughts and kind words. They are always appreciated. xxx

      • Brandic,

        Yes we absolutely have each other. The understanding we share is wonderful and I cherish it. You absolutely give back, I feel more to me than I give you. Anyway, glad the comment helped. And my son is with his Maker and lets me know occasionally that he loves me even from afar. He promised to check on me every day and he does. Love never dies.

        Much love.

        • “My son is with his Maker and lets me know occasionally that he loves me even from afar. He promised to check on me every day and he does. Love never dies.”

          This is just so beautiful. Under the circumstances, I’m glad at least that you were able to have closure. Some people lose loved ones unexpectedly, and that is so hard. (Although there really isn’t any way to measure loss, is there. It is always a pain that touches the soul.) Even though I’m sure it is still extremely painful not having him there, I am so glad that he is still living on in your heart, and that you can feel him checking in with you daily. What a gift.

          I cherish what we share as well. Thank you for being here, and for supporting me in the ways that you have. I definitely do not take that for granted.

          (((Ash)))

  3. The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital)

    I’m with you on this one. I became religious four years ago and thought that God was the answer to all of my life’s problems. Now, I am full of questions and problems.
    Xx

    I hope we’ll find our own ways in life.

  4. As dumb as this sounds, peace is found when you stop looking for it..it is right their inside you. You just have to wake it up. 😉

    (yes, I know that is easier said than done)

  5. I believe we are in a sense alone and have to come to terms with this. Doesn’t mean we can’t have wonderful relationships also.
    I wonder if your longing is the longing of a child for the perfect mother….We all had that, and we all have to give it up.
    It sounds like you are describing different types of loneliness. Some types are part of being human.
    Sorry if this is a depressing response. I’m currently kind of depressed. take care

  6. Phil

    Brandic,

    I stumbled across your post doing a Google search and must say it really hit home with me. Not only do I feel as you do, particularly right now, but also miss not being the “ONE” to someone else. It is indeed a very lonely place that I am not sure can ever be fully satisfied, only knowing that with the right person, I can be their “ONE”. That knowledge helps me believe that perhaps there actually is a corresponding close friend for me too…regardless of however long I have struggled to find them.

    Phil

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