If only I could put into words what I’m experiencing at the moment. For the first time in the many months since I’ve been writing on this blog, the words just simply aren’t there. And on top of it, I’ve been having contradictory feelings about the blog itself…
I have to stop thinking about the words I’m going to write before writing them, because I’m just going in circles and writing and then rewriting and rewriting again. I’m going to just try to let the words come, whatever they are.
I have always felt lonely to some degree or another. My entire life. I wrote about this in another blog post, which I honestly don’t have the energy to link to at the moment. And besides it doesn’t actually matter. It feels as though none of it really matters. I think that’s part of the problem. I don’t care if people read. I don’t care if people don’t read. Somehow the passion I felt for this blog, and the connections I had developed have been severed. I don’t know why and I don’t know how. All I know is that being here on the blog, or even reading other people’s posts and then the comments on other’s posts (with the exception of a few), has made me feel even lonelier. And that’s not the purpose of a blog. The purpose of a blog is to share your thoughts/ideas/words with the world, and find connections through those words. I have been finding no connection through words. And that’s one of the reasons I haven’t been commenting much on other’s blogs this past week- I simply feel a complete lack of connection with any of it.
Right so where was I going with all of this… Oh right. So “blogging” is making me feel lonelier. So I decided to stop. And I tried to stop. But then my internal world got spun into total chaos. Some of you may understand what I mean when I say this, I’m guessing perhaps some who have experience with dissociation and dissociated parts and emotions. Well, the anger came pushing up after I wrote the post ending the blog. Anger was pushing up from deep from under the surface.
See right, so now, my mind is going completely blank. Perhaps it wants me to stop talking about whatever it was I was just talking about.
The point is, I am in this state of total limbo, where I’m not quite “outside” in the world, and I’m not quite trapped “inside” either, but somewhere in this uncomfortable middle place that has no words to express itself. And no connection with anything, most especially friends (online, offline, it doesn’t matter). And being in this limbo state adds heaps of lonely on top of the lonely that I am already feeling.
Oops. My mind is starting to go foggy again.
Can anyone understand why it’s so difficult for me to write right now?
And then you are probably thinking, well if it’s so hard for her to write right now, then why the bloody hell is she writing? Why doesn’t she just shut up then? (I pictured myself as British when I wrote this.)
I am writing right now, because in the time since I’ve started this blog, writing has been my lifeline. And now? It’s just empty words, lacking any substance, any meaning, any connection.
If only I could unzip my scalp and let all of you see inside my head. It would be so much easier. Why do we have to resort to putting things into words. Doesn’t it seem like such a huge laborious task?
I think I need to stop for now. My brain is getting way too foggy trying to get this all in writing. So much so that it hurts. If fog could hurt… (which it can…)
Please just know that hopefully the brandic who cared and had passion, and who made connections with you all, returns soon. I miss her. I am just a deadened weight with a black rock for a heart.
Sending heaps of sorries everyone’s way. I haven’t been myself lately.