A lonely perspective

If only I could put into words what I’m experiencing at the moment. For the first time in the many months since I’ve been writing on this blog, the words just simply aren’t there. And on top of it, I’ve been having contradictory feelings about the blog itself…

I have to stop thinking about the words I’m going to write before writing them, because I’m just going in circles and writing and then rewriting and rewriting again. I’m going to just try to let the words come, whatever they are.

I have always felt lonely to some degree or another. My entire life. I wrote about this in another blog post, which I honestly don’t have the energy to link to at the moment. And besides it doesn’t actually matter. It feels as though none of it really matters. I think that’s part of the problem. I don’t care if people read. I don’t care if people don’t read. Somehow the passion I felt for this blog, and the connections I had developed have been severed. I don’t know why and I don’t know how. All I know is that being here on the blog, or even reading other people’s posts and then the comments on other’s posts (with the exception of a few), has made me feel even lonelier. And that’s not the purpose of a blog. The purpose of a blog is to share your thoughts/ideas/words with the world, and find connections through those words. I have been finding no connection through words. And that’s one of the reasons I haven’t been commenting much on other’s blogs this past week- I simply feel a complete lack of connection with any of it.

Right so where was I going with all of this… Oh right. So “blogging” is making me feel lonelier. So I decided to stop. And I tried to stop. But then my internal world got spun into total chaos. Some of you may understand what I mean when I say this, I’m guessing perhaps some who have experience with dissociation and dissociated parts and emotions. Well, the anger came pushing up after I wrote the post ending the blog. Anger was pushing up from deep from under the surface.

See right, so now, my mind is going completely blank. Perhaps it wants me to stop talking about whatever it was I was just talking about.

Ugh.

The point is, I am in this state of total limbo, where I’m not quite “outside” in the world, and I’m not quite trapped “inside” either, but somewhere in this uncomfortable middle place that has no words to express itself. And no connection with anything, most especially friends (online, offline, it doesn’t matter). And being in this limbo state adds heaps of lonely on top of the lonely that I am already feeling.

Oops. My mind is starting to go foggy again.

Can anyone understand why it’s so difficult for me to write right now?

And then you are probably thinking, well if it’s so hard for her to write right now, then why the bloody hell is she writing? Why doesn’t she just shut up then? (I pictured myself as British when I wrote this.)

I am writing right now, because in the time since I’ve started this blog, writing has been my lifeline. And now? It’s just empty words, lacking any substance, any meaning, any connection.

If only I could unzip my scalp and let all of you see inside my head. It would be so much easier. Why do we have to resort to putting things into words. Doesn’t it seem like such a huge laborious task?

 

I think I need to stop for now. My brain is getting way too foggy trying to get this all in writing. So much so that it hurts. If fog could hurt… (which it can…)

Please just know that hopefully the brandic who cared and had passion, and who made connections with you all, returns soon. I miss her. I am just a deadened weight with a black rock for a heart.

 

Sending heaps of sorries everyone’s way. I haven’t been myself lately.

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16 Comments

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16 responses to “A lonely perspective

  1. Hmm…. I can relate to this in this exact moment. Tonight, I sat on my bed trying to figure out why it was that I was trying to distance myself from friends and the people around me. As it stands, I’ve become completely antisocial. Yet, I feel nothing, but I’m not numb. I love, but I have no love. I want to speak, but it seems like using my words are pointless since I’m sure it has all been said before. It’s not depression, and it’s not listlessness, but it certainly isn’t enthusiasm. So far, only reading, and watching my favourite shows makes me feel anything or concentrate, muchless work productively. So I suggest, that you keep doing as much as is healthy of the things you love the most. If the passion for one thing influences your mind, it might just spread to the rest of your activities and life. Take care!!! <3<3<3

  2. “I’ve become completely antisocial. Yet, I feel nothing, but I’m not numb. I love, but I have no love. I want to speak, but it seems like using my words are pointless since I’m sure it has all been said before. It’s not depression, and it’s not listlessness, but it certainly isn’t enthusiasm.”

    Yes. The only word I can think of for myself is limbo. It’s not joy, it’s not enthusiasm, it’s not a void or emptiness, it’s not numbness, it’s not listlessness, it’s not melancholy, it’s not sadness, it’s not loneliness (although it could add to loneliness I suppose, or perhaps it suppresses loneliness… I really don’t know), it’s not depression, it’s not even feeling deadened (even though I used that word in my post). I don’t feel dead at all. I feel very much alive. It’s just… a total and utter disconnect. And feeling that I”m caught in an in between place. Between what, I don’t even know. I just feel caught.

    See, I hate words sometimes. Sometimes they just don’t do your experience justice. 😦

  3. Simply sending you hugs xx

  4. feral55

    (((Brandic)))

  5. I’m so sorry that you feel the way you do sweetheart. I completely understand how difficult it can be to find the energy to ‘care’ sometimes. Keep your chin up and take a little heart – I’m sure you’ll get back to yourself when you are ready to: for now, be kind to yourself 🙂

  6. artyelf

    Sorry you are feeling this way, and so very lonely.
    I haven’t been able to comment on anyone’s blog lately, or even to reply to comments on my own. Sometimes I think we just need this time, to get our heads together, incorporate what has been going on. And sometimes I just don’t feel I can ‘give’ anymore, that my words are meaningless anyway. I don’t want to make comments just for the sake of making comments.
    I think it’s good you’re still writing, even if you feel you have nothing to say – because it is a life line, and it keeps you in the routine. The words will flow soon, I’m sure.
    Take care. ♡

    • Yes, you have expressed what I’m feeling. I have nothing to give. And that yes, even if I do say something, my words are meaningless so what’s the point. But I appreciate you saying to keep writing even if I have nothing to say. Great advice. Thank you.

  7. aynetal3

    I know we are the newcomers here, but we’re wondering if this has anything to do with poor relating to parents recently. It was a really upsetting experience and it had seemed like they were trying to invalidate your life as you saw it and KNOW it, and now you are having problems with “being IN your life.” I really don’t know what is causing the problems, but usually if my parents had been around my headspace … we’d be looking to see what damage has been caused and what is in need of our immediate attention – if nothing else … in spirit.

    Always our best,
    Anns

    http://newsdidmpd.blogspot.com
    http://annsmultipleworldofpersonality.blogspot.com

    • Yes, this may very well have to do with my parents, and the frustrating and completely invalidating conversation with them this past weekend. Don’t quite know how to proceed though or find the missing link.

      Thx for your words. I appreciate them.

  8. Out of the Ashes

    (((Brandic))))

    Perhaps the most telling part of this post is that you “don’t feel like yourself.” And so, perhaps the part of you that you that is not wanting to write has her reasons. Many that you stated. She doesn’t feel words will do the pain justice, doesn’t think people care anyway, is tired of trying to explain things to people who don’t really want to listen. Is tired of reaching out only to be shot down. I think we all thave this kind of part. I call it the “why bother” part.

    I do go through these phases too. But the bottom line for me is that I have always written and done so for myself more than anyone else. I wrote to record events, how I felt about them, and if I could make sense of them on paper, they usually made sense in my head. What is funny about all that is that I used to buy pretty diaries to keep these things in and no one ever read. So I never got any other feedback but my own. Being able to type it, share it on the Internet and actually find people want to read it, or who have had similar experiences offer advice or support adds a whole new dimension to “writing to heal.” One I generally enjoy but at times take a break from. All that to say, it’s okay to do what you need to do FOR YOU. If it feels like a chore, take a break. Honor yourself and your needs.

    • Thx Ash. For reading, responding, and caring. I don’t know if the part who cares is gone, or if I just stopped caring. Either way I feel like my life has become devoid of all meaning and it sucks. I just wish I knew why this happened or what I could do to change it. But yeah, I will try to keep writing, even if I feel everything I have to say is totally meaningless.

  9. The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital)

    You needn’t apologise.

    I think I’ve personally gone through what you are going through. I know it’s very tough to say the least.

    I hope I am not one of those that makes you feel even lonelier but we are darn rooting for you. We are genuinely rooting for each other here and are with you on your fight.

    Wishing you well, whether you write or not xx

    • Thank you so so much for saying those things. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. I’ve felt so alone here on this blog for some reason, and your comment really helped. It’s surprising how good it feels to hear that someone is rooting for you. So… thanks.

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