Rant

Okay so please feel free to not read this cause it ain’t gonna be pretty.

I’m pissed. At everything and everyone. At the world. At people who think they are better than others. At people who lie. At people who don’t care. At people who have comfortable lives. At people who are happy. At people who have it easy. At people who have never experienced depression. At people who have never been abused. At people who have never felt real pain. And then I’m pissed at people who say, “everyone’s life is hard” or, “everyone has a burden to carry.” Bullshit. Until you have walked in my shoes you don’t know my pain.

I’m just sick and tired of the shit that people play. At the shit that people pull. Of the lies. Of the games. Of the pretending. Don’t pretend to be nice to me then talk shit behind my back. This is directed at one person in particular. One person who doesn’t read my blog, so don’t worry, it’s not you.

I’m just so fucking pissed right now. As if I haven’t already said that. I said this is going to be a rant though didn’t I?

I’m sick of the pretend. I’m sick of having to act happy for everyone. I’m sick of having to slap on the smile and laugh at all the right moments and show care and concern when I really could care less. I probably sound like an insensitive bitch. I don’t care. I really just don’t care about anything right now.

The thing that pisses me off the most is that I can’t reach out. I can’t open up. When I’m the most in need, when I’m having the biggest feelings, I have to hide it all away. I’m pissed that I was raised to hide my feelings. That they were never listened to or acknowledged. Fuck.

And don’t get me started on my therapist. A therapists job is pretending to listen. Pretending to care. Showing false concern. That’s what they are paid for. I reached out to her last night. She called and I called back. She couldn’t be bothered to talk for a single second or even ask what was wrong or if I was okay. Stuck to business. She had an opening tonight if I wanted to schedule it. I told her I’d think about it and told her I’d talk with her later. Goodnight, I said. Goodnight, she said. Fuck her. She could’ve at least asked if I was okay. I mean, I wouldn’t have reached out if I was okay, right? She should know these things.

I don’t want to be bothered. By anyone. No calls, no texts. Just leave me alone. Everyone.

Perhaps someone can slap me across the face and tell me to just shut up and stop wallowing in self pity. Or maybe just drown me. That would be nice. Just hold me under and smile as I struggle and wait until the water has filled my lungs and my body goes limp before you let go. That perhaps would be a good end to all of this. That would be sad though, wouldn’t it? If these were my last words? But then again a part of me doesn’t give a shit. Who cares. Let people hate me. Let people think I was an angry selfish self-absorbed bitch. Because I am, aren’t I?

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14 Comments

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14 responses to “Rant

  1. It’s good that you’re venting, which is why I liked the post. I hope when you’re calmer you will reread it. There might be something here that’s pointing to what’s really bothering you, other than the obvious. As for you being drowned, God forbid! -____- That would not be a good end to all of this. It would be a tragedy to loose the sweet woman who loves and treats little man like her own, who takes beautiful photos, who sees the beauty in nature while everyone else is too absorbed to acknowledge it, who fights tooth and nail to get better, and to improve. Don’t sell yourself short Brandic. <3<3<3

  2. lucywilliamspoetry

    I have depression too and it is shit. I also hate all those stupid things that people come out with- makes me very angry! I don’t know where you are in the world but if you do want to talk to someone who won’t judge and is confidential then there is always the Samaritans. If you are in the U.K then this is the phone number:

    UK: 08457 90 90 90*

    But if you are not then this is the e- mail address that you can use anywhere in the world

    jo@samaritans.org

    I don’t mean to be rude, so ignore this if its not what you want,and I apologize!

  3. I’m glad you let your self vent it is good to just vomit (gross I know) all over the screen. I hope that it helped to get this out. Thinking of you.xx

  4. sorry you are having such a rough day. anger is good, though, at least that’s what my therapist says! mostly i turn my anger inwards, which leads to all kinds of self-destructive behaviour. anyhow…

    hope you reach out to your therapist and take that appointment. and the first thing on the agenda can be “why didn’t you ask if i was okay??” … before last night did you have a good relationship? i can’t say, but it might be worth mending…

  5. Just sending love your way. That is all xx

  6. Out of the Ashes

    Checking in, thinking of you. Worrying a bt but glad you were able to get all of this out. I do give a shit…….

    With love,
    Ash

  7. Good venting. Anger is a good thing, and I find that expressing it tends to let me move through it. Too bad you turned it on yourself though in the last paragraph. Glad you feel better again.

  8. Good for you for getting it all out, it’s always good to have a proper vent! x x

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