Today I went to the grocery store. I didn’t want to, I’d been putting it off, but I knew we had no food in the house and it was only fair that I went since my partner works longer hours than I do and I have the time after work, that I should go. So I decided to brave it. Rather than it stressing me out and making me feel even more anxious than I usually do, a strange (and welcoming) thing happened. It was okay. It felt fine. Better than fine; it made me feel normal. When I say “normal,” I mean not controlled or bogged down by the constant and overwhelming anxiety that I experience almost every second of the day. All that dissolved, and I was simply in the moment, shopping for brussel sprouts. And it felt really good. And that gave me the motivation to cook dinner, which is another thing I haven’t done in what feels like forever. I made eggplant parmesan, from the recipe my aunt told me about when I visited her. And it was delicious – if I do say so myself ;).
It’s nice to have moments (or evenings) like this. And it reminds me that sometimes I just need to push through the fear and do something that might feel overwhelming, that might be outside my comfort zone (even if it’s something as simple as shopping for groceries), and that after all is said and done, I am okay. That perhaps the “normal” things that “normal” people do perhaps can help me feel more “normal”; instead of crazy, or mental, or messed up, or problem-laden. I don’t want to be stuck in the fear of what might happen, or what feelings might accost me at any given moment. I can challenge myself and I will become stronger as a result.