Not even close to okay

I’m trying to cling with all my might to okay, even though I know I’m far from okay. I’m nowhere near okay.

Why does my therapist keep saying that things are “shifting”? I don’t think anything is shifting. I’m not learning anything about myself. I’m not feeling any forward movement. The only thing I feel is as though I were stuck in mental purgatory with no escape. Is that “progress”? Is that “things shifting”? And if things were shifting, wouldn’t it shift into something else besides this pure and utter hell I’ve been living in for these last couple weeks? How does she see what I’m going through as progress. I really don’t get it. I just don’t. I’ve felt these things before, it’s not like it’s anything new. Sadly, I thought my days of feeling this awful were over. I was sadly wrong. Perhaps her thinking these are “good signs” is just a way for herself to feel better, to not feel like she’s totally helpless or that our therapy is not benefitting me in the slightest but could in fact be making me worse.

How the hell is therapy helping? It’s gotten to the point where I spend most of the session with her dissociated and unable to speak. How is that progress??????



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8 responses to “Not even close to okay

  1. I am sorry to read you are struggling so. I do hope things get better soon. xx

  2. Out of the Ashes

    Sending love and support. I get how this would be such an annoying place to be in.

  3. *hugs* I send you my support as well.

  4. hey hun, sending hugs! Just a suggestion but do you think a new therepist would help or a different form of therepy? Lots of love as always sweetie xxx

    • Thank you so much for your input. I think I was in a particular mindset when I wrote this post, but in actuality I feel really good about my therapist and the therapy we are doing. I think I just have to trust her enough to open up – which makes it really frustrating when I can’t!

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