I will not survive

My mind and body are screaming in horror and agony. The end is closing in on me. I will not survive.

At least this is what it feels like. I try to tell myself that this is not real, that this is not really happening, that everything is okay and that I am safe. It’s not helping. I feel like a cow that’s being dragged to slaughter. It knows its own fate even before seeing it.

Why do I perpetually feel this way? What has happened in my life to create these feelings in me that I’m heading, overcome by terror, toward my death. That I will not survive.

Impending doom.

Pure terror.

Screaming in agony.

I know these. But how? Why? What has happened in my life that I would know such terror?

I want to know and yet the answers are eluding me.

To my body and mind,

I want to know. Please tell me what it is you’ve been trying to tell me. I can feel this horror, this unbelievable pain, this sheer terror. I can feel it. I am experiencing it, with no reprieve. Can you not share with me the source of these things? I want to know. I can handle it. I feel ready to handle it. I want answers. I want my life to make sense. Right now it doesn’t make any sense. Right now I can’t think of a time in my life when I’ve ever been truly terrified. I want to know the source – of all this pain, of all this fear, of all this torment. I want to know. I am ready. Please please let me know what it is that you are trying to tell me with these flooded feelings and sensations. This is my life. And I want to know. I want to know so that I may heal. Please please tell me what it is so we can all heal from it and move forward. Because if I don’t know the source of these feelings, the healing can’t happen, plain and simple. I may not have been ready before, but I am ready now. I am tired of feeling like an emotional punching bag. One emotion punches me from one angle; another emotion from another angle. It’s truly exhausting, and I don’t feel we have to live this way. We deserve better. We deserve to be free from this torment. We deserve to live. We deserve to heal. We deserve peace.

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6 Comments

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6 responses to “I will not survive

  1. artyelf

    You sound so lost and frightened.
    I hope some peace and clarity come to you soon, you deserve this and more.
    Walk gently. ♡

  2. sending comfort and carrying thoughts your way. I am sorry you are struggling so. xx

  3. this is really hard. i hope u know that ur not alone and there are many people who have taken the journey and can be supportive of u on urs.
    it’s good to know u can distinguish between a feeling and a reality, cuz that is sooooooo hard, so ur in the right direction.

    safe hugs if u want them.

  4. Out of the Ashes

    Hoping the letter to yourselves has helped open some things up. I wish there were an easier way to get from point a (not knowing) to point b (fully knowing). Patience is not my strong suit. Much love and hugs.

  5. Its HORRIBLE feeling like this! Depression is an evil thing! Just so you know your not alone sweetie! Big hugs and lots of love xxx

    • Thank you so much. Yes it is awful to feel like this, and I’m so glad these feelings have passed. Thank you for saying I’m not alone in them – so often when I’m feeling this way, I’m feeling so very alone. So thank you 🙂

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