Days of truth, here we go.
I’ve really been struggling the last few days (or last few weeks when I really think about it), so I figured I’d do this as something to focus my mind on so that it isn’t consumed by all the turmoil going on inside. If you are unfamiliar with what 30 Days of Truth is, my dear friend WeeGee has written about it. I recommend you popping over there to learn more.
Something you hate about yourself: my dissociation*
Probably one of the things I hate most about myself is my dissociation. I know that it is a coping technique – one that probably saved my life- I know that it got me through the worst periods and events of my life, I know it’s the reason I’m able to function now… Regardless, I hate it.
I hate it because I cannot remember most of my life, only bits and pieces. I hate it because I cannot consistently feel connected to people, places, events, and things. I hate it because I feel mostly disconnected from myself. I hate it because I don’t know what I’m feeling most of the time, and when I do know what I’m feeling, I often don’t know why. I hate it because it makes me feel out of control. I hate it because it makes me feel so alone.
And probably the biggest reason I hate it is because the person who is “brandic” doesn’t feel like a whole, unified person, but rather a sum of disjointed, fragmented parts. I don’t even know who “I” am.
Like I said earlier, there is a reason for it, and it helped me get to where I am today. But I can still hate it, can’t I.
Sorry I don’t have anymore more in me at the moment. I apologize if this is a sub-par first 30 Days of Truth entry. Oh well, it is what it is.
* if you are unfamiliar with what dissociation is, I suggest checking out Wikipedia’s page on it