Lonely Wednesday

Today I am feeling overcome with loneliness. I’m also having paranoid thinking that everyone who normally reads my blog (with the exception of one or two) has drifted off with the wind. That I have lost them somehow. This is probably not the case, but it’s something I am so fearful of happening that sometimes the fear bleeds over and threatens to make itself seem like a reality. Perhaps my regular commenters are just taking a little respite from reading?

Why does this idea scare me so. To lose my readers. I don’t know. And yet the idea absolutely terrifies me. Almost as though this is the only thing I have left, and if I lose this, I lose everything. Why should it matter though is what I’m wondering. Perhaps it’s days like today where I’m feeling particularly alone and vulnerable is when I feel I need my close-knit little support group near, cheering me on. And even saying this sends huge waves of guilt through me, because, how dare I want anything from anyone. How totally and completely selfish of me.

Ugh. So yeah. My mind today is presenting me with all sorts of fun challenges as you can see.

I think I’m having a day where I’m just feeling a huge sense of loss for all the people I have lost in the last few years, and it feels like quite a few. Several of those being people I could, at one time, call my closest friends. How is it that one’s closest friends can just up and leave. Fade. Vanish. Walk away and never look back. I don’t understand.

The pain in my heart of these losses is enormous. It makes me want to cling to the small handful of people I have left. And then I wonder how confident I can be that these people won’t slowly drift away either. Because that’s what people seem to do isn’t it.

Don’t mind me, my mind is just having one of its very sad and heavy days.

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14 Comments

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14 responses to “Lonely Wednesday

  1. I’m sorry your lonely. I hate that feeling. I know our comments have been very sparse lately. We’re having some…internal fighting on hosting and such, so it’s been hard to do day-to-day activities, much less comment on blogs.
    But we still care and send warm thoughts!

  2. I’m sorry I’ve been such an absent bum lately 😦 I’m not even sure anymore why I’m rarely on WP. It feels like one minute I’m completely, thoroughly involved in something and the next that nothing has a purpose, muchless the nonsensical babble I type.
    I can’t say I know exactly how you’re feeling, but I do understand what it feels like when the people you most wish to share parts of yourself with are either no longer in your life or have drifted so far away that sharing feels like a ghost of the old relationship. I hope you don’t lose anymore of the people in your life that you really cherish, but sometimes that’s an unfortunate part of life. The ones that are still around though are still making an effort to remain in your life, and as long as you reciprocate even just a little bit of that love, I’m sure you’ll find someone to give you the comfort you need.
    As for your blogging family, I’m sure they’re just really taken up with some of the other aspects of their life, and that they’ll be by when they’re free. Remember that while I’m not always here at blogohome, you can always pop me an email. I’ll always be sure to reply. There will always be someone around here to offer you love and support, and while they may not come on to say it, you’ll be in their thoughts. I know you’re in mine! Don’t feel guilty for asking for some validation of the love and friendships you’ve become attached to. Everybody has been in that dark, lonely space, and I’m sure that no good person would ever begrudge you that needed warmth. Take care ((((({})))))) <3<3<3

    • Kadeen… I truly cannot express how much your comment means to me. Just to know that you care… It just means so much. I have come out of it a bit, so am feeling better (a call into my therapist helped tremendously), but am still feeling like I’m on unsteady ground. As far as emailing goes, I just want you to know that I’m really (really) bad at reaching out when I’m struggling. I often will write a blog post, versus tell the people in my life that I’m really having a hard time. I dont know why exactly… well, other than that I was taught to hide any and all discomfort and pain from others. So, yeah. I feel like people really only want to hear from me when I”m “happy”. I know that’s not really true, but it’s a hard belief to undo, if that makes sense.

      Thanks again for your amazingly kind message. Your friendship means so much. xxxxxxx

      • Hey Brandic, I’m glad to hear that you’re feeling a little better compared to the last few hours/ days. Strangely enough I understand exactly what you mean about reaching out. To be honest, in my circle I was always the “stronger” one, the last to crumble or freak out in a situation. Little did I know that it was distraction at its best, and when it all finally hit me, I couldn’t find it in myself to actually reach out to my friends. While you were forced by others to always remain in control of your emotions, I was the one who actually imposed that on myself. Twisted, huh? I still have to battle with myself to reveal any emotion outside of anger or happiness. So don’t worry about the emailing, I may not be on here often, but I will always check in on you. It’s good to read that something I said made a little bit of difference for you on your side of the blogosphere. Here’s to blogofamily and all the love that comes with it <3<3<3

  3. I’m still here and reading. I’ve just been having trouble finding the right words for people lately. But I’m not gone.

  4. I’m still here and reading. I am sorry you are feeling so lonely. I do hope it passes soon.

  5. *hugs* Sometimes in general I don’t read and comment for a few days because I have so many other things to do, but I’m around, and I do care.

  6. Fred

    Loneliness is such a horrible feeling. But, see, you have readers here and we support you. 🙂

  7. I’m sorry you’re lonelxxxy lovely – it’s an awful feeling but hey, here I am still cheering you on 🙂

    Hugs

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