Hello to all my new readers and old ones. I know there’s a couple stragglers that still are reading from before. That brings me a sense of solace (Kadeen and Feral especially).
It’s funny how I only tend to write when things are really hard. When things are going well it’s like I have nothing to say. Of perhaps it’s because I’m out there enjoying my life and not focusing on the stuff going on inside my head.
However, when things are hard, I can’t help but turn inside. To reflect and introspect. I suppose that’s normal and healthy. Normal and healthy… Whoever thought I’d be saying that!
There are two things weighing very heavily on me at the moment. One is the situation I’m in with my partner. Things are really tough at the moment. The other is the fact that one of my closest friends most likely has cancer. That’s what prompted the untitled poem I wrote a couple posts ago.
I have a partner who loves me so much. Unconditionally in fact. But I’ve come to realization these past six months that I wasn’t happy in the relationship. I’ve since expressed my unhappiness to my partner, and the reasons for it. And want to hear something spectacular? She listened, and understood, and recognized the ways that she utterly failed me in our relationship (her words not mine), and says she’s willing to do whatever it takes to change and to work on all of it. Spectacular to my mind. Not to my heart. My heart has grown hardened over the last seven years we’ve been together. And you’d think I would welcome her desire and enthusiasm to change as a relief, or a gift. But my hardened heart isn’t sure what to feel; it is hardened after all.
All the hurts and the disappointments over the years seem to have buried any enthusiasm I feel in the relationship. I’m not sure if it’s possible to excavate that enthusiasm. I’d like to think that it’s possible, but I’m just not certain.
We are seeing a couples therapist for the first time tomorrow. For the first time this time around that is. We saw one a number of years back. I don’t have huge hopes or expectations. If I hope or desire anything, it’s to heal the mountain of hurt that sits on my heart. That perhaps if that happens, I’ll want to move forward and have my heart 100% in this relationship. Because right now it’s not. And my partner can tell. And it makes me feel like I’m only partly alive.
I’m sure I will heal from the wounds inflicted in my past, but the biggest question is, do I want to do it with her. Or perhaps let this one go and move forward with my life. There are ways I feel this relationship is holding me back. But perhaps it’s me that’s holding myself back, I don’t know.
What I do know is that each and every day is such a struggle right now. I have relinquished the desire to take care of my partner, for the time being. She can take care of herself during this time. But it’s also a struggle taking care of myself. I started smoking again. I’ve been drinking more than I should. I haven’t been getting adequate sleep… So yeah self care is a struggle. I’m trying not to be too hard on myself about it though. After all, these are my coping mechanisms.
To focus on the positive side of things, I’m happily surprised that I’m doing as well as I am considering the circumstances. I feel stronger I think than I’ve ever felt before. If this upheaval had occurred a couple years ago, or even just one year ago, who knows what sort of shape I’d be in. Perhaps all this is surfacing because I am ready and able to handle it. I’d like to think so anyways…
As for my friend… The doctors found four tumors in various parts of her body. One on each kidney, one on her liver, and one embedded in a muscle in her upper back. The chances of them being benign is about 10%. Not high but I’ll take it. She is having a biopsy done toward the end of the month, so I’ll know more then. But for now, perhaps those of you who believe in positive thoughts can send some good vibes her way. Let’s call her K. She could use all the good thoughts and vibes she can get.
I’ll leave you with that. To my faithful readers who have stuck with me and are still reading, thank you. During times like this you feel like a lifeline.