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Long summer nights

I’m feeling particularly lonely tonight. And it’s not just tonight. It’s been a string that’s been tugging on me these last few days.

To give you readers an update, my partner and I are working things out. And that all feels really good. But then there’s just this nagging loneliness.

I’ve always felt very alone in this world. And it seems no matter how many social things I do, it doesn’t really seem to affect my overall level of loneliness. I think the thing that feels most lacking is having close friends. And I don’t mean this as a slight to my good friends. It’s just, I suppose I long for closeness with other people. Besides my partner I mean. And the ways I feel closest to people is in person and on the phone. Not texting. And what sucks is, my closest friends like texting to be the primary mode of communication. And this perhaps adds to the feelings of loneliness. Because how can you feel close to someone when you are typing words on a screen? I suppose some do. In fact, I know they must, otherwise they would seek out other means of connection. But for me it just leaves me feeling lonely.

Perhaps it’s related to the aspergers. Because I do have aspergers. And people who have aspergers tend to feel like perpetual outsiders in their lives. That pretty much fits me to a T. I prefer one-on-one to group things any day, although don’t get me wrong I enjoy group things. And I guess I feel as though I hardly see my friends on a one-on-one basis. People are busy. They have their own lives, I totally get it. But I feel like I’m stuck in this ongoing wheel of loneliness that I can’t get off of.

Some people are very content being alone and spending time alone. I’m quite the opposite. And yet I feel like I spend so much of my time – when I’m not with my partner, alone.

I don’t know how to make it better or remedy it. I’m not very good at making friends, since there are few people who I truly feel comfortable with.
And the friends I have are the kind of people who seem to cherish their time alone, for the most part. Except for my one friend who has aspergers who lives in another state. He helps me to feel less alone…

That’s all for tonight. I apologize if this is a woe-is-me post. I’m just feeling lonely and longing for connection. And I realize that sometimes even when I long for it, I don’t necessarily get to have it. That’s life I suppose.

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Breaking

I now understand why they call it breaking up. It is breaking. I am breaking.

I loved her so much. But I wasn’t happy. And she doesn’t understand. She is breaking.

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Thin-thread hanging

Breathe in. Breathe out. I’ve been doing a lot of that lately.

I panicked and called my partner at work and told her I couldn’t do it anymore. I was sobbing. She begged for me to just hold on. To not make any decisions yet. I obliged.

I texted her and told her I’m hanging by a thin thread and don’t know how much longer I can hang on. I told her I feel as though both my heart and my spirit are broken. And that I have nothing left to give. She texted me back and told me I don’t have to give anything. Just let her prove to me that she is able to be the partner I deserve. I just don’t know.

When your heart is dead toward someone, is it possible to revive it? Like, a heart-strings CPR kinda thing?

We have another therapy session scheduled for Saturday. Perhaps I can hang on til then. I just don’t know anymore.

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I’ve got anger and I’m not afraid to use it

I’m finally going there. I’m finally letting myself be pissed off. Because there is oh so much to be pissed off about. Up until now I’ve felt sad and torn and guilty. No more sad, torn, or guilty. At least not today. Right now I’m just letting the anger come up and allowing myself to feel it.

I didn’t realize how much anger I was holding onto until I let it come up. And now that I’m letting it come up, boy is it coming up. I’ve decided just to let it come without trying to stop it or judge it.

Wanna hear why I’m angry? Well if you don’t you may not want to read on lol.

God I’m angry about so many things. So, so many things. Where do I even start?

Okay let’s start on the whole marriage thing. A while back – I can’t say exactly when because I’m horrible with timelines – but let’s just say whenever marriage for same-sex partners became legal in my state, my partner half-heartedly asked me if I wanted to get married. We were all ready for bed. In our pjs, about to turn the lights out… And she said something to the effect of “so now that marriage is legal, I don’t know, would you wanna do it?” Perhaps not those precise words, but you get the drift. This was perhaps a year ago? I never said yes. And here’s why.

I don’t feel married. I told her that. I told her, how can I get married when I don’t even feel married. Because I don’t. We’ve been together for seven years, living together for four. And yet somehow I ended up in a relationship that feels more like roommates with benefits than a true partnership/marriage should. We don’t do things together. What I mean by that is, we don’t do things that couples do together. We don’t go grocery shopping together. We don’t go clothes shopping together. We don’t buy stuff for our apartment together. We don’t walk our dogs together. Hell, we don’t even do our laundry together. (You don’t have to tell me how odd this is, I already know.) This isn’t from a lack of me wanting, or trying. It’s my partner who prefers this way of living. But it’s just not for me. We pay all our bills separately. We write two separate rent checks. I have my money and she has her money. There is no joint checking account.

It’s a very lonely existence. And you might say, well you don’t do those mundane things together, but I’m sure you do lots of other, fun, “couply” stuff together, right? Sure, we attend our friends birthday parties. We go on the occasional hike with the dogs together. Sometimes we go see a movie in the theaters. We go out to eat in restaurants on occasion. And to a concert every now and then. Wanna hear what I’d like to be doing together?

I’d like to go to museums together. It’s been years since we’ve been to a museum of any kind. And I love museums. I’d like to go take picnics in the park with our dogs. Having a picnic is one of my favorite things in the world. How many times have we done it? Once. In maybe our first year together I baked her a boysenberry pie (yes I used to bake for her), blindfolded her, and took her to her favorite park to have a picnic. Rather than having a lovely, loving time together, I remember her acted distracted and aloof. That’s the last time we’ve had a picnic together, just the two of us. I’d like to take drives up the coast together to watch the sunset. I don’t think we’ve ever done that. Okay, maybe once. A long time ago. But I can’t even remember. I’d like to plan meals together and cook together. We’ve never done that. It’s either her cooking or myself. I’d like to work on projects around our apartment together. We’ve never done that. Once when I was out of town for work, she told me that she had spent the day polishing the wood floors in our apartment. That’s something I would’ve loved to have done together. I would like to drive over to see my family, either my parents or my brother and his kids, regularly. We never do that. The only time we see my family together is on holidays and for someone’s birthday. I’d like to be an active participant in my niece and nephews lives: attending their piano recitals, going to watch their soccer games, etc. We’ve never done that. I feel like a crappy aunt. I’d love to drive up to the mountains for a day. Or out to the beach. We don’t do that either. One of my favorite things in the world is camping. We’ve been camping twice together in the last seven years, and both those times were during the first year of our relationship. I’d love to babysit Little Guy together. I dragged her along with me to do that a few months ago. She drove separately and only stayed for a couple hours. She left before the best part: snuggling up to watch a movie together after the kid goes to sleep.

You are probably wondering what we do do together. Well, we eat together. And we watch lots and lots of tv together. Romantic, isn’t it?

Wanna know something else I’m pissed about? There is no “our stuff.” It’s either my stuff, or her stuff. Recently, I mentioned to a friend of mine that my partner has two tents. I know it seems random, but it would make sense if you saw the bigger conversation. But that’s not the point. The point is, I was telling her that my partner has two tents. And my friend was like, “you mean, you have two tents. The two of you.” And I was like, “no… My partner has two tents.” And that’s how it is. None of the stuff that either of us own is seen as common property. It’s either mine or hers. Not ours. There is no “ours.” Well, except for our animals. Thankfully.

You know what else I would like? To plan a trip to go somewhere that I want to go. We’ve been fortunate enough to have been able to travel out of the country three times together. All three times we went places that she wanted to go. Granted, I’m up for traveling almost anywhere. But it’s never been about me. And that’s the problem. Our relationship has never been about me, or what I wanted, or what kind of sofa I preferred, or where I wanted to go, or who I wanted to see. It’s been consistently about her and what she wants. And she won’t do much unless she really wants to. And that includes simple things like going to see my parents, or going to visit friends. Or taking me to a show that I liked.

Many months back, she asked me if I would be interested in seeing The Book Of Mormon, the musical. I love a good musical. (Are you surprised when I tell you we’ve never been to one together?) It’s playing in the city I live. I was shocked. I kept asking her, “you’d really take me to see that?!” I told her that I’d absolutely LOVE to go do that. The reason that I haven’t splurge to take us together is, well one she isn’t much for musicals. And two, it’s crazy expensive. So if I’m gonna spend my hard earned money on something for the two of us, I’m gonna make sure it’s something she is excited about as well. Well, I know you will all be shocked when I tell you this but… She never took me to see The Book Of Mormon. But I’m kinda over being disappointed about things pertaining to our relationship. I kind of expect it at this point. I’ve also been telling her for years how much I want to go camping together, how much I love camping, and how I’d love it if she planned a camping trip for us. Never happened. Surprised?

I understand that people get busy in their lives. They get distracted and caught up with other things. She changed jobs last year and had to take a pay-cut. Her mom was diagnosed with cancer this year (which seems to be gone now thanks to the cancer treatments she’s undergone). I get it, people get caught up in their own lives and forgot about planning fun stuff. But when it’s never really happened, when I really have nothing to look forward to in our relationship, it gets tiresome.

Okay now I’m just getting tired of listening to myself talk about this. I need to go think about other things because I’m getting too depressed. But there you have it. Some (and trust me, not all) of the reasons I’m angry. I’m not holding out any hope that things will change, because after seven years, how much can another person really change?

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Life decisions

I feel I’ve come to a major crossroads in my life. Should I stay or should I go. Such a cliché, isn’t it? And yet I wish it were a simple thing.

Here I am, having built a life with someone, having given my all to someone, and having someone who loves me wholly and unconditionally. Sounds picture perfect, right? The sad reality is though that I’m not happy. And there’s a part of me that has never been happy in the relationship. And there’s a way that I haven’t gotten certain essential needs met in the relationship.

I’m not one to give up on things; especially someone’s heart. But when it’s been my heart that’s been hurting, what do you do? I think the biggest question is this: is there a way that I can stay in the relationship and be happy? And get my essential needs met? Okay that’s two questions really but I hope you will let that one slide.

She’s told me she’d willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy. She’s said that my happiness is the most important, whether it be with her or with someone else. It’s hard to walk away from that isn’t it? So we have our first therapy session tomorrow.

Things are quite muddy and complicated at the moment. As you can probably ascertain from my prior writings. I’ve felt the highest highs and the lowest lows during these last fees weeks than perhaps I’ve ever felt. But you wanna hear something I’m kinda proud of myself for? That despite all the turmoil and shit and complicated-ness (because I know that’s a word) that’s reared its dear little head as a result of these trying times, I’m holding my shit together. I’m not having a full-on breakdown. I’m not spending weekends in a psych ward or even nights in the emergency room for fear of wanting to off myself. Apologies for the morbidity, that’s how I roll. I don’t even have a therapist to obsessively call or text or email at the moment. (Note to self: find a therapist.) Somehow, by some crazy turn of luck, or perhaps as a result of tons of hard-ass work, I’m able to hold myself reasonably together through all this. I actually feel like a semi-normal person. Wait, did someone say normal? Okay perhaps not normal, cause normal I will never be, but functional. My head has remained securely on top of my shoulders instead of the dumps somewhere. That’s something to be proud of, right?

So back to the issue at hand. What do I do? Well I have a feeling I’m not going to be able to answer that question tonight. And actually, I can sit back and wait until our therapy session tomorrow, and remind myself that things will get figured out, whatever those things might be. I’ve always been one to want immediate answers, especially from myself. I hate feeling in limbo. But sometimes, limbo is there and you just have to deal with it.

I know one thing is for certain. I can’t continue my relationship the way it’s been. And I honestly can’t see it going forward at all, at least in a way that is truly rewarding and satisfying and honoring of me and my fundamental needs. But I can’t run away and say that it’s impossible for things to change, that my partner isn’t capable of the things I’m needing, without at least exhausting all outlets and possibilities. Without at least airing it all out in therapy.

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Alone in loneliness

Sadness, loneliness, contemplation. Years of longing, yearning, disconnection all resting on my back. Hopes, dreams, joys blown to smithereens. Slowly, not all at once. Pieces being chipped away from my heart. Where did they go. Years behind me. Many more in front of me, yet I cannot go there. At least not yet. My heart is crumbling under the weight of exponential disappointments. My fire of passion has dwindled to slow-burning embers. Someone has stomped out the fire. My fire. No phoenix has risen from my ashes. Nothing beautiful has emerged from my pain. And here I sit, in this loneliness. And yet, this loneliness trumps being lonely with her. Loneliness should only be done alone, shouldn’t it. When loneliness lives in company, how painful it is. When loneliness lives in partnership, how heartbreaking it is. And thus, my heart has broken.

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Seven years

I look at her. Filled with joy, hoping to share in my love for her. Her gaze eludes me. My eyes penetrate her lovingly and yet her gaze eludes me still. I long to share in this joy, this love. My heart sinks. She looks at me, but only after I have turned away.

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