Today I am feeling overcome with loneliness. I’m also having paranoid thinking that everyone who normally reads my blog (with the exception of one or two) has drifted off with the wind. That I have lost them somehow. This is probably not the case, but it’s something I am so fearful of happening that sometimes the fear bleeds over and threatens to make itself seem like a reality. Perhaps my regular commenters are just taking a little respite from reading?
Why does this idea scare me so. To lose my readers. I don’t know. And yet the idea absolutely terrifies me. Almost as though this is the only thing I have left, and if I lose this, I lose everything. Why should it matter though is what I’m wondering. Perhaps it’s days like today where I’m feeling particularly alone and vulnerable is when I feel I need my close-knit little support group near, cheering me on. And even saying this sends huge waves of guilt through me, because, how dare I want anything from anyone. How totally and completely selfish of me.
Ugh. So yeah. My mind today is presenting me with all sorts of fun challenges as you can see.
I think I’m having a day where I’m just feeling a huge sense of loss for all the people I have lost in the last few years, and it feels like quite a few. Several of those being people I could, at one time, call my closest friends. How is it that one’s closest friends can just up and leave. Fade. Vanish. Walk away and never look back. I don’t understand.
The pain in my heart of these losses is enormous. It makes me want to cling to the small handful of people I have left. And then I wonder how confident I can be that these people won’t slowly drift away either. Because that’s what people seem to do isn’t it.
Don’t mind me, my mind is just having one of its very sad and heavy days.
I don’t know what is happening to me. All these things are pushing up inside. All this commotion, confusion, anger, screams, desires to do drastic things, a strong desire to cut my body (a feeling I’ve never had before)… I don’t know what to do with all this. I am in over my head.
I don’t know why I think this, or where this idea comes from, but I have a feeling that all this stuff that is going on inside me relates to my birthday that is coming up in a few weeks. Which doesn’t make any sense. Birthdays are supposed to be a happy event, right? My memory is crap, but I seem to vaguely recall something similar to this happening last year leading up to my birthday. Or I could be completely making that up, I don’t know. All I know is that on my birthday weekend last year, another depressed part of me took over, and I helplessly watched while “I” stayed in bed the entire weekend.
I called Bean, my therapist, on her cell phone about twenty minutes ago and left her a message. Her cell is only supposed to be used for “emergencies only,” but in all honesty, this feels like an emergency. I can’t remember the last time I felt this emotionally chaotic and destabilized. I need to numb this. I want to numb this. I just don’t know how. I am completely lost and alone with all of this. I have been in such an awful place that I haven’t even been able to read other people’s blogs. That usually provides me some hope and sense of connection. I’m isolating myself because of these feelings; even on here.
All I ask is that my readers please don’t give up on me. As pathetic as this might sound, I need you right now. I am usually not one to ask for help or support, but I am in major need of both these things. Even admitting this brings a sick feeling into my gut. I must ignore it.
I was conditioned growing up to always be positive. To always smile and act cheerful. If not, my father would act rageful toward me and my mom would ignore me altogether. So even being open and telling you all how bad I am doing and how much I am struggling sends fear through my body- that you will all hate me, or you will all ignore me. I’m not sure which one is worse.
I am hanging onto a thin, thin thread. What I need is a lifeline. Anyone know where I might be able to find one?
I look around me
All I see is darkness
It hangs thick in the air
It percolates into my pores
I am lost
Enshrouded in loneliness
I long for something
Which I can’t explain
Pain punctures my consciousness
Like a knife into a wound
How I long to cling to solace
Yet its embrace eludes me
I long for the rains of peace
To shower onto my mind
What is it this darkness is after
To ruin and condemn?
To smother me in its tight hold
Til I finally give in?
My soul it cries silently
And wanders these dark halls
If only a light could shine on me
And save me from myself
All I seek
Is everything and nothing
All at once
In the quiet solitude of the night
I sit here and whisper
Who is listening
I feel all alone. I know I have friends and a partner who love me and care for me but somehow this isn’t reassuring right now. At the core of my being I feel broken, unfixable, unloveable. And no amount of reassurance is going to change that.
I feel like a little child who’s been taken out to the woods and left all alone. Shivering and frightened and scared. And yet I’m an adult. Or so I am told…
Who will love and nurture me when everyone else is gone. No one. Who will comfort and hold me when everyone else is busy with other things. No one. Who will be with me when hardships come and protect me from the cruelest of evils. No one. Who will love me always, without fault, without expectation, without condition: no one.
No one no one no one. The sad truth is, I’m all alone. Now and always.