Tag Archives: body sensations

I will not survive

My mind and body are screaming in horror and agony. The end is closing in on me. I will not survive.

At least this is what it feels like. I try to tell myself that this is not real, that this is not really happening, that everything is okay and that I am safe. It’s not helping. I feel like a cow that’s being dragged to slaughter. It knows its own fate even before seeing it.

Why do I perpetually feel this way? What has happened in my life to create these feelings in me that I’m heading, overcome by terror, toward my death. That I will not survive.

Impending doom.

Pure terror.

Screaming in agony.

I know these. But how? Why? What has happened in my life that I would know such terror?

I want to know and yet the answers are eluding me.

To my body and mind,

I want to know. Please tell me what it is you’ve been trying to tell me. I can feel this horror, this unbelievable pain, this sheer terror. I can feel it. I am experiencing it, with no reprieve. Can you not share with me the source of these things? I want to know. I can handle it. I feel ready to handle it. I want answers. I want my life to make sense. Right now it doesn’t make any sense. Right now I can’t think of a time in my life when I’ve ever been truly terrified. I want to know the source – of all this pain, of all this fear, of all this torment. I want to know. I am ready. Please please let me know what it is that you are trying to tell me with these flooded feelings and sensations. This is my life. And I want to know. I want to know so that I may heal. Please please tell me what it is so we can all heal from it and move forward. Because if I don’t know the source of these feelings, the healing can’t happen, plain and simple. I may not have been ready before, but I am ready now. I am tired of feeling like an emotional punching bag. One emotion punches me from one angle; another emotion from another angle. It’s truly exhausting, and I don’t feel we have to live this way. We deserve better. We deserve to be free from this torment. We deserve to live. We deserve to heal. We deserve peace.

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An anxiety day

I’m a bit out of sorts today. The anxiety has a strong hold on me, and is holding on for dear life. So, my goal for today is just to get through it. Keep my head above water and keep treading. The body sensations are still coming, daily. My body is still extremely sore from the mayhem that took place the other night. I said I would write about it, but to be honest, I simply don’t have the energy. It’s taking everything out of me just to function.

Sorry folks, that’s all I’ve got for now. I hope my next post is a little bit more informative, or a little more interesting.

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Pulled back under

Just when I thought the body memories were getting better, they have returned with a vengeance.

I want to scream.

I don’t know why this is happening. I don’t know what this is connected to. I thought it was related to the prenatal trauma, but the time doesn’t seem to match.

I can’t describe how I’m feeling. Every cell in my body is screaming. I have the unexplained urge for someone to beat me to a bloody pulp. To crush my body. That somehow that would calm this bodily angst.

Sorry for the graphic nature of this post. I’m just having all these crazy body sensations and don’t know what to do with them.

I wish I could lie down and have someone run over me with a semi-truck. Perhaps that would calm these awful sensations.

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Tormented

It’s hard to describe what I’m feeling at the moment. The only word that aptly describes it is tormented. These body memories, or body sensations, or whatever you want to call them have me in their clutch. I don’t know why it’s worse today but it is. I feel like my insides are being squeezed and pushed. My mind is agitated. I wish there were something that could calm these feelings. They make me want to scream.

When these body sensations take over, I lose all sense of myself. I can’t think clearly… My mind is beyond restless… The world hurts… I don’t know what I can do to help myself. People have suggested sitting with the sensations and turning my attention toward them rather than away from them. That only increases them and all the agitation and swirling that goes along with it. Also, I can’t do anything too extreme – ie let myself go into a trauma memory (if that is, in fact, that’s causing all this) – because I’m at work. And by the time I get home these body sensations have subsided.

I can’t get out and take a walk, since the child I care for is napping and I need to stay here and monitor him. And besides, walking hasn’t seemed to help when I’m in this state, since being out in the open and having to pass by people just seems to increase the already overwhelming pain and agitation.

All I can think to do right now is keep breathing. And wait for this torment to pass.

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Pre-Birth Body Memories

My therapy session was a productive one. We talked about the painfully excruciating body sensations that I’ve been experiencing. Through talking about it, considering all the possible things that could be causing it (both internal and external), my therapist Bean helped me determine that it is less related to what’s been going on in my external environment, and more related to the specific time of day that it occurs. These sensations have been coming on in the afternoons, every afternoon for almost a week now, with no apparent cause or trigger. These are sensations that I’ve actually been experiencing for a number of months now, but it’s gotten exponentially worse during this past week.

So it seems related to the time of day, and that these sensations I’ve been experiencing are actually body memories. Then the obvious question arose: what has happened in my past, at this time of day, that is pushing up. These sensations usually come on (or are at their strongest) around 2 or 3 in the afternoon. The riddle was yet to be solved.

After looking at various (and traumatic) periods of my life, we were no closer to an answer. Nothing seemed to fit.

At the very end of our session, for reasons I can’t remember, I brought up the car accident my family was in when my mother was pregnant with me. Bean asked me what time of day the accident occurred, and I told her I didn’t know. She suggested I find out.

I called my mom immediately after session and asked her what time of day the car accident had taken place. She said it was in the afternoon, around 2 or 3pm.

This seems like a definite possibility. Add that to the fact that the anniversary of the accident was just about a week ago – when the body sensations suddenly became unbearable and excruciating. This makes this event a likely fit.

Studies have proven that babies in utero can be traumatized. It was a horrific accident after all, one that put my mom in the hospital for several months – during which time I was born.

Then the question becomes: how does one process trauma that has taken place before birth. I guess in a very similar way to how one might process trauma that has taken place as an infant. Usually there would be no visual memories connected to these traumas, only body sensations. But even then I have no idea how one might even approach something like this. This is where I have to sit back and let my therapist use her skills and knowledge to help me through this. She specializes in trauma and dissociation, and even wrote an academic journal essay on pre-birth trauma. [I stumbled across it online when I was doing research about my therapist, but I couldn’t read it since it was far too triggering for me.] So I feel I’m in the best hands possible.

In the meantime, I just have to keep myself functional until my next session. I’m still not sure how to do that, since the body memories have been so awful, and I feel like something’s gotta give, but I just need to focus on one moment at a time, and just continuing to put one foot in front of the other. And to trust in this healing process that I’ve endeavored upon with my therapist. Fingers crossed I’ll make it though this storm.

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