Tag Archives: depression

Not even close to okay

I’m trying to cling with all my might to okay, even though I know I’m far from okay. I’m nowhere near okay.

Why does my therapist keep saying that things are “shifting”? I don’t think anything is shifting. I’m not learning anything about myself. I’m not feeling any forward movement. The only thing I feel is as though I were stuck in mental purgatory with no escape. Is that “progress”? Is that “things shifting”? And if things were shifting, wouldn’t it shift into something else besides this pure and utter hell I’ve been living in for these last couple weeks? How does she see what I’m going through as progress. I really don’t get it. I just don’t. I’ve felt these things before, it’s not like it’s anything new. Sadly, I thought my days of feeling this awful were over. I was sadly wrong. Perhaps her thinking these are “good signs” is just a way for herself to feel better, to not feel like she’s totally helpless or that our therapy is not benefitting me in the slightest but could in fact be making me worse.

How the hell is therapy helping? It’s gotten to the point where I spend most of the session with her dissociated and unable to speak. How is that progress??????

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Darkness comes

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Darkness comes and covered the sun

The shadows of my mind

for now

have won

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Exhausted

Exhausted. Drained. Both physically and emotionally. This heat isn’t helping either.

I don’t even know what to write, which is rare for me. I suppose I’m caught under the weight of depression. No desire to do much of anything – including writing.

I’m not going to bore you with any of the details of what’s going on inside my mind. It’s too depressing, even for me.

Just hoping that these things lift soon.

Today is one of those days where I’m wondering if all this is really worth it.

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The arrival of my dear friend…

… depression. As was expressed in my last post, this afternoon has been wrought with a numbness and shutting down of feeling upon going to the memorial service of a friend who committed suicide recently. And within the last hour, depression seems to have slipped in and taken a strong hold. I feel pinned under its weight.

No energy. My body feels like a lead weight and it takes tremendous effort even to move the slightest muscle.

No motivation. There are things I should be doing to get ready for the week but just can’t manage to get myself to do any of them. Arg.

No enjoyment. I can’t seem to enjoy anything right now. Not even my amazing and loving dog who is almost always a sure bet to cheer me up.

Lack of appetite. My partner is in the kitchen making me this delicious meal, but all I want to do is go to bed and sleep for eternity.

Okay enough moping. Let’s see if I can come up with at least one positive thought to end with.

I know: yesterday I went on a ten mile hike. Yes. Ten whole miles. And for those who know me and who’ve been following my blog for a while, this is a HUGE feat for me, since I’ve been quite limited by chronic back and hip pain the last several years that have prevented me from getting out and doing the things that I love to do – specifically hiking and bike riding. Being able to do a hike of this magnitude shows me that I’m over the hump in my healing process, and it opens up a wonderful and familiar world that I’ve been prevented from enjoying for years now. I cannot tell you how happy and relieved this makes me. My body is improving. My back and hip are getting better. I won’t have to live with this pain for the rest of my life. It won’t keep me from doing the things I love.

I think I’ll end it there, on a positive note. 🙂

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Depression

Even though I have tried fighting it, depression seems to have taken over. I have been sucked under. I tried to hold it back. But I didn’t succeed. Depression was too strong an opponent for me. It was set on taking over. And it did. It now has its talons sunk deeply into me, and it can do with me and it chooses. I am no longer able (or perhaps willing) to fight.

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I am ok

If my back is hurting I am ok
If my therapist hasn’t called I am ok
If I’m sleep deprived I am ok
If my friends aren’t there I am ok
If I’m feeling depressed I am ok
If stuff is pushing up inside I am ok
If I’m feeling alone I am ok

Just because I’m experiencing all this
Doesn’t mean I’m in crisis
Doesn’t mean I’m completely alone
Doesn’t mean no one cares
Doesn’t mean I am hopeless
Doesn’t mean I am helpless
Doesn’t mean it won’t change
Doesn’t mean it won’t get better

Despite it all and in spite of it all, I am ok.

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Tears

I’ve been sitting and reading my friends facebook. The one who killed herself a few days ago. It hasn’t been announced on her facebook yet. It was her birthday just last weekend. I’ve been reading all the birthday wishes that people posted on her wall. I wonder if she ever got them. Facebook is weird in that way. Someone can live on in the form of a profile. They are alive according to facebook but dead in real life.

My mind and emotions are a mess. I am supposed to go to my brother’s birthday dinner tonight. I haven’t got him a present yet. I don’t feel like acting happy. Or being social. Or seeing my family. I don’t feel like doing anything in fact.

My friend left her two dogs. For some reason that makes me the saddest of all. A part of me is jealous of her. Wants to do the same thing. To just end this life.

Don’t worry, I won’t. Doesn’t mean I can’t think about it or fantasize. Right now life is just feeling too big.

How am I suppose to live my life right now when a friend is gone. It just doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel right at all.

Tears, tears, and more tears. They don’t seem to stop.

This blog is my only connection with the world at the moment. So you all get to see my tears. To hold them. To feel them falling on you. There are just so many.

I’m not even connected to my partner at the moment. She’s off getting her hair cut, and we aren’t speaking because we got into a big fight this morning. I say a big fight, but it was over something so little and so dumb. But I had a full-on temper tantrum and ended up slamming the door and not speaking to her the rest of the day. And now she’s not here. I’m all alone with these tears.

I wish someone were here to comfort me. But then again, I don’t, because if I did I’m sure the tears would dry up as quick as you can say Sam. I don’t do well with letting others see my emotions; my pain; my tears, especially.

Perhaps someone can hold me. Even in their mind. No. What am I thinking. I cannot be held. After all, it results in just being dropped, does it not?

I suppose I will sit here, all alone, with these tears. Friend, wherever you are, I hope you are okay. I hope you are free from the pain of life. I hope you are happy. I hope you are in a better place. We all miss you.

 

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