I’m trying to cling with all my might to okay, even though I know I’m far from okay. I’m nowhere near okay.
Why does my therapist keep saying that things are “shifting”? I don’t think anything is shifting. I’m not learning anything about myself. I’m not feeling any forward movement. The only thing I feel is as though I were stuck in mental purgatory with no escape. Is that “progress”? Is that “things shifting”? And if things were shifting, wouldn’t it shift into something else besides this pure and utter hell I’ve been living in for these last couple weeks? How does she see what I’m going through as progress. I really don’t get it. I just don’t. I’ve felt these things before, it’s not like it’s anything new. Sadly, I thought my days of feeling this awful were over. I was sadly wrong. Perhaps her thinking these are “good signs” is just a way for herself to feel better, to not feel like she’s totally helpless or that our therapy is not benefitting me in the slightest but could in fact be making me worse.
How the hell is therapy helping? It’s gotten to the point where I spend most of the session with her dissociated and unable to speak. How is that progress??????
Darkness comes and covered the sun
The shadows of my mind
Exhausted. Drained. Both physically and emotionally. This heat isn’t helping either.
I don’t even know what to write, which is rare for me. I suppose I’m caught under the weight of depression. No desire to do much of anything – including writing.
I’m not going to bore you with any of the details of what’s going on inside my mind. It’s too depressing, even for me.
Just hoping that these things lift soon.
Today is one of those days where I’m wondering if all this is really worth it.
… depression. As was expressed in my last post, this afternoon has been wrought with a numbness and shutting down of feeling upon going to the memorial service of a friend who committed suicide recently. And within the last hour, depression seems to have slipped in and taken a strong hold. I feel pinned under its weight.
No energy. My body feels like a lead weight and it takes tremendous effort even to move the slightest muscle.
No motivation. There are things I should be doing to get ready for the week but just can’t manage to get myself to do any of them. Arg.
No enjoyment. I can’t seem to enjoy anything right now. Not even my amazing and loving dog who is almost always a sure bet to cheer me up.
Lack of appetite. My partner is in the kitchen making me this delicious meal, but all I want to do is go to bed and sleep for eternity.
Okay enough moping. Let’s see if I can come up with at least one positive thought to end with.
I know: yesterday I went on a ten mile hike. Yes. Ten whole miles. And for those who know me and who’ve been following my blog for a while, this is a HUGE feat for me, since I’ve been quite limited by chronic back and hip pain the last several years that have prevented me from getting out and doing the things that I love to do – specifically hiking and bike riding. Being able to do a hike of this magnitude shows me that I’m over the hump in my healing process, and it opens up a wonderful and familiar world that I’ve been prevented from enjoying for years now. I cannot tell you how happy and relieved this makes me. My body is improving. My back and hip are getting better. I won’t have to live with this pain for the rest of my life. It won’t keep me from doing the things I love.
I think I’ll end it there, on a positive note. 🙂
Even though I have tried fighting it, depression seems to have taken over. I have been sucked under. I tried to hold it back. But I didn’t succeed. Depression was too strong an opponent for me. It was set on taking over. And it did. It now has its talons sunk deeply into me, and it can do with me and it chooses. I am no longer able (or perhaps willing) to fight.
If my back is hurting I am ok
If my therapist hasn’t called I am ok
If I’m sleep deprived I am ok
If my friends aren’t there I am ok
If I’m feeling depressed I am ok
If stuff is pushing up inside I am ok
If I’m feeling alone I am ok
Just because I’m experiencing all this
Doesn’t mean I’m in crisis
Doesn’t mean I’m completely alone
Doesn’t mean no one cares
Doesn’t mean I am hopeless
Doesn’t mean I am helpless
Doesn’t mean it won’t change
Doesn’t mean it won’t get better
Despite it all and in spite of it all, I am ok.