Tag Archives: derealization

Holding my pieces together

I just got out of therapy a little bit ago. I feel as though I am hanging on by a very thin thread. I told her about the weekend, about the dissociation, about the depersonalization, the disconnection. About the crying. I spent most of the session moving in and out of these states that I can’t even identify. Some more familiar than others. Angry and glaring, terrified and hiding, unable to speak, feeling as though I was wading through mud, feeling as though I were lost in a thick fog, disorientation to where I kept having to remind myself where I was and what Bean had just asked me. Or I wouldn’t be able to remember and would just sit there arguing in my head about whether we should say something or not. [Most times the part who didn’t want us to speak won out.]

Bean thinks that stuff is pushing up. Memories. She thinks that the feeling states for the memories are starting to surface, and that they don’t have a “narrative” yet but that they will come. She said not to be afraid of the dissociation (because to be completely honest, I was feeling very afraid of all the dissociation I’ve been experiencing over the last several days). She said the dissociation is actually is there “to protect.”

I said, “Protect who?”

She said, “Protect you.”

She said the role she sees dissociation playing at the moment is to titrate* the memories so they don’t come at me all at once and overwhelm me. She says, however, that things are loosening up and shifting, and she sees this as a really good thing. She reminded me again not to be afraid of what’s happening: of either the memories or the dissociation. Although I have to say, both are a bit difficult at the moment. The memories, because I’m afraid of what’s there and what I don’t know, and the dissociation, because it’s making me feel crazy and all over the place and not tied to this earth.

I told her that over the course of the weekend, when the dissociation would get really bad, I would think to myself,

I’m not well. I’m not well.”

She told me that I am, in fact, quite well, and doing quite well, I’m just in the midst of processing some big stuff. I suppose I’m a little bit relieved to hear that, but on the other hand I’m not sure if that makes it any easier. All I know is that it feels like I’m coming undone, and it’s all I can do to simply hold the pieces of me together.

She said that the answers (and memories) will come when they are ready. I do also wonder just how long I will have to wait. And if there’s even anything there at all…

Ugh why is healing so hard?!

*I had to look up this word, and here is the definition that seemed most fitting:

Titrate: Continuously measure and adjust the balance of (a physiological function or drug dosage).

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Bleh

Today is a strange day. I woke up at 2:30am with severe acid reflux and have been awake ever since. I almost called in sick to work, but I managed to push through it. (Sometimes I wonder if I’m tough by ignoring and pushing through pain and sometimes I wonder if I’m just plain stupid.) The acid reflux has lingered, as well as feelings of nausea, and just overall bleh.

I’m also experiencing a bit of derealization. Nothing feels real at the moment. The sounds. The sights. The sky even. I talked about a very disturbing thing with my friend earlier that related to my mom. My way of handling my mom’s lifetime worth of not protecting me, and just overall reacting to things in my life in very inappropriate ways, has always been to laugh it off. At times my mom’s response to things has been so ridiculous and absurd that it’s almost comical. But in reality it’s not comical at all.

That’s all for now. Time to return to my own little world in outer space. Hope you all are feeling better than I am today. X

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A nagging feeling

Something doesn’t feel right, and yet I can’t quite put my finger on it. Something feels out of place, but what is it?

No something definitely isn’t right. There’s this pressure, this nagging…

My hearing is off. The world feels skewed, off kilter. My body doesn’t feel real.

There is that nagging feeling again. A wanting to scream perhaps. A wanting to retreat perhaps. A wanting to lash out perhaps. How do I not know.

I’m outdoors. The light doesn’t feel right. The white is too bright. The world, it needs to… What. Go away? Collapse in on itself? Shatter and crumble to pieces?

The pain in my back. It’s keeping me in my body. It’s the bridge between my world and this world. My world? What is that? Do I think I am somehow the center of my own universe?

No, this just isn’t right. I want to peel back this world to reveal the real world hiding right underneath it. None of this is real. None of this is right. I wish I could press a button and make it go back to normal.

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Hollow and lost to myself

I’m not even sure what is going on at the moment. I went to breakfast with my partner and some of her friends. I put on my “social” persona, and talked and smiled and laughed. But afterward, I’ve retreated inside my shell, and I don’t know where I have gone.

I guess the best way to describe how I’m feeling right now is numb. Or maybe I just am outside awareness of feeling. I don’t know. I’m not even sure who or what I am at the moment. I feel like a foreigner to myself.

You know that song: Oh where, oh where has my little dog gone, oh where, oh where can he be? Etc etc. I feel like that, just with myself. Oh where, oh where has my Brandic gone.

I feel like I’m in a world that doesn’t belong to me, that isn’t mine. It’s like, my world has been taken away, and everything that surrounds me is a substitute world that has replaced my world. Everything familiar and comforting is gone, and everything I look at feels strange and unfamiliar.

I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I want to go into my shell and get lost in a world inside myself. And yet… I can’t. I have twenty minutes before I have to leave to go get a haircut – one that I much need. Granted, I could always cancel and reschedule for another time. But I’ve been hating myself and the way I look lately, and my awful awful hair plays a big part in that. This is something I just need to do, however much I don’t want to.

Sometimes you just need to go through the motions. Afterward I can come home and zone out. Hide away inside myself. Push the world far, far away. Because that’s what I want. I want to push the world as far away as possible. It feels unfriendly and hostile. Actually… not even so much hostile, but strange, unreal and foreign. Unrecognizable. It doesn’t feel like my world. In my world, I fit in it. I belong, to some degree or another. This world… well, I don’t belong. I am a stranger. My friends don’t feel like my friends. My partner doesn’t feel like my partner. My partner left, and went to give me a kiss goodbye, and I just sat there frozen, looking straight ahead. I didn’t move, I didn’t acknowledge her, I said nothing. She kissed me on the cheek, said goodbye, and left. But I wasn’t even really aware of her leaving until she had already gone. It was as though I were dreaming while she was leaving, and then I awoke to then remember the dream of her leaving, and wished I had acted differently. Had wished that I had said goodbye or had acknowledged her in some way. But then again I don’t. I feel like I don’t even know her. She feels like a total stranger. She could come, she could go, and it would mean nothing to me.

Where did I go? Has a substitute Brandic showed up in my place? An unfeeling, numb, robotic Brandic? That looks and talks very much like the real me, and yet, is not?

I am surrounded by a thick fog. A fog which turns everything upside down and backwards. A fog which makes the world almost feel black and white instead of color. Makes the world feel strange and hollow and unrecognizable.

I am getting lost in this fog. How am I to get out? How am I to find myself?

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