Darkness comes and covered the sun
The shadows of my mind
Things build on top of other things. It’s hard to pinpoint the exact root cause of my despair. Maybe it’s the body memories that have been eating away at me. Maybe it’s because I was unable to get an appointment at the free mental health clinic, and my meds are running low. Not having health insurance sucks. (Can someone say “understatement”?) Perhaps it’s because my partner is working long hours this week and that leaves me home alone, contemplating. Maybe it’s because I’m just feeling, quite simply, overcome with loneliness.
Whatever it is, I don’t like the thoughts that are trying to make their way into my mind. Thoughts of lost hope. Thoughts that it won’t get better. Thoughts of giving up.
When we are this down, how do we bring ourselves out of it? I just wish I knew. The world just seems so dark right now.
Darkness threatens to swallow me whole
Where are the dreams which nagged at my soul
Dreams of love, light, and laughter too
Now they dance like shadows
On the window sill of lost virtue
This darkness, it keeps me up at night
It mocks my dreams, it steals my life
My life, which has been a struggle for sure
Feels broken somehow
A sickness with no cure
Alone with my shadows,
Alone with my soul,
Alone with my dreams with nowhere to go
I don’t know what I’m feeling one minute to the next. One minute I’m numb. The next minute depressed. The next minute despairing. The next minute, pressure and anger pushing up from seemingly nowhere. I’m being flooded with denial. Alternating with feeling completely in over my head. That this is really too much for me to handle.
A friend suggested I reach out to Bean and tell her what’s going on. I can’t. First of all, I have to wait all the way until next Thursday to see her. She couldn’t do our regular Monday appointment cause she said she had a work thing she can’t get out of. So I’ve shut her off completely. She is a stranger to me at the moment. Someone who exists in some far away world that is not my own.
Another reason I don’t want to reach out is, I wouldn’t even know what to tell her. I don’t even know what I’m feeling. I don’t even know what’s going on with me and why. I guess the truth is I don’t have to have it all figured out in order to reach out to her. But… Knowing this and believing it are two different things.
At this precise moment, numbness has moved in and has laid a cloak over my mind, over my feelings, over my thoughts, over my emotions. Numb. Numb. Numb. Without feeling. Empty. Hollow.
Sinking. Longing. Sadness. Mourning. Anger. Despair. Neediness. Frustration. Overwhelm. Pressure. Pushing. Shutting down. Heavy. Numb.
I have just cycled through all of these in the span of thirty seconds.
Great Brandic, great. What do you want, a medal?
Ugh. Mind please go away. Please just go away.