Over the course of the last few days, while I’ve been on vacation, my mind has traversed a variety of emotions that have seemed to come out of nowhere. This is nothing new; unexpected feelings often assail me. And the fact that I’m on vacation does not follow that I’m on vacation from my internal world.
The one that has come up most strongly, albeit fairly infrequently, has been anger and rage. Especially, I’ve noticed, when I’m drinking wine. This also isn’t uncommon. Often dissociated feelings come up when I let me guard down – ie drink. I don’t like being drunk. When I have wine, I usually only have one or two glasses. I don’t like the feeling of being out of control that comes with being drunk. There are a few exceptions: when I go out with my friends for a fun time, for instance. That is few and far between though. For the most part, me + drunk = bad combo. So I don’t do it.
But even with only a drink or two in me, feelings that are often repressed or outside my conscious awareness tend to come up. The most common, it seems, is rage.
When these feelings have come up over the last several days, I’ve tried my best to just let the feelings wash over me and try not to fight them. I’ve learned that fighting them or trying to push them away often makes them worse.
Where this anger and rage comes from, I can only guess. I would assume from other dissociated parts of me. This knowledge (or assumption) doesn’t make the situation any easier though. The feelings are there, and they are big. But I’ve been trying to treat them the same way I try to treat every other part of me: with gentleness and acceptance. Which isn’t to say this is easy. But I’ve noticed when I can accept these feelings and just observe them and allow them to be there actually makes the overall experience of them much more manageable.
Now the question comes into play: what’s behind this anger and rage? I suppose that’s what therapy is supposed to help me with. For now, I’m going to try not to worry about it too much. After all, I have my vacation to enjoy!
Pain washes over me like waves. When each wave of pain recedes, bubbling rage is there to greet me. Pain, rage, pain, rage, pain, rage.
I had my appointment with Bean today. For the most part, I sat hiding behind my balled-up sweatshirt, having been triggered into a very fearful state upon hearing the sound of a car crash just outside the window of Bean’s office. I can hardly remember what we talked about, which is unusual for right after the session. Usually it takes a good day or two for it to leak out of my conscious memory – like most everything else. I must’ve been very dissociated.
The pain and the rage are trying to drown me. And as if that weren’t enough, interspersed with these other feelings is a nagging feeling of panic.
I’m also getting waves of chills taking over my body, and I’m not even cold. When that happens, it’s a sure way for me to know something is really wrong.
If only I knew what it was…
I want to be able to feel the full extent of love. I wonder… What is it like to really feel love. And have I felt this before? I know I’ve felt gratitude for people in my life. Like my amazing UK friend and my partner. This gratitude comes in waves and is gone just as quickly. Are gratitude and love the same thing? I wonder.
Because so many of my feelings are dissociated – the anger, the rage, the sadness, the fear – I think good feelings are dissociated too. Including love. Which isn’t to say I don’t feel love at all. I do. Just in a very limited way. Or at least that’s how it feels.
Most of the time, when I think about people I know I love – friends, partner, family members, I feel nothing. I think of them, and can rationally understand what they mean to me, but as far as feelings go, I don’t actually feel anything most of the time. No warmth. No affection. No love. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not some cold, unfeeling bitch. It’s as though these feelings are stored in a place I don’t have access to. And when they do come, they come unexpectedly and out of the blue, only to be gone moments later.
I’m curious what other people’s experience of love is. Is it a constant feeling that they have toward someone? Is it the equivalent of gratitude? Or is it different. Does it come and go unexpectantly in the way it does for me? Do other people feel as though their ability to love is limited as I do? I would love to hear other people’s thoughts on love, however different or similar their experience might be to mine.