Tag Archives: Dissociative identity disorder

Updates

As some of you know, yesterday was an extremely hard day for me. What probably most of you don’t know is that I was having the strongest suicidal thoughts that I’ve had in years. So that scared me a bit. I’m glad to be out of that storm. There are also other personal issues that have arisen that have caused me grief, but sometimes you just have to know when to let go of something and not let it bring you down. So that’s what I’m choosing to do.

I’m feeling in a bit of a vulnerable place, and I’m not exactly sure why that is. I feel like my “outer shell” if you will is quite thin, so that if someone really wanted to hurt me right now, they could. I suppose I just need to be gentle with myself and ask others around me that they be gentle with me as well…

 

Travel

I will be traveling for almost an entire month with the family I work for, starting on Oct 1. When I say traveling, I mean we will be staying in one place, but that place is very far from home. A six hour plane ride to be exact. And it’s in a very remote place that is quite expensive to fly into, otherwise my partner would consider flying out to visit. This will be the longest I will be without my dear partner since we met. It also means that I will be going several weeks without seeing my therapist. Also, because my hours are completely unknown at this moment – I’m going to be working very long hours most likely – it’s not possible to schedule phone sessions while I’m away. I’m sure I will have time to blog though – especially when Little Guy is sleeping. I will probably have nothing else to do to keep me occupied!

 

Therapy

Therapy is going well. When I say well, I mean¬†excruciatingly¬†painful, but I feel like we are finally starting to get somewhere. I know I haven’t been writing about my therapy much lately. I suppose it’s because it’s been so intense that I just needed to set it aside and focus my mind on other things so as not to overwhelm myself.

I don’t remember much of my last therapy session, except that I revealed something that I had done that I felt extremely guilty about and told her that I deserved to die. I had been triggered earlier that day by an event that I was angry at myself for and felt bad about. This event led to feelings of extreme self loathing and self hatred. At some point, I switched, and a very angry part took over. I assumed that it was R, but when my therapist asked if they were R, they didn’t answer back. So perhaps it was and perhaps it wasn’t. And perhaps if it wasn’t, then I’ve been thinking that this angry part who spouts off about hating the world and everyone and everything has been R when it really hasn’t. DID is so confusing sometimes…

 

Thoughts about my DID

I’ve also had some revelations about myself, my dissociation, and my DID lately that I’ve been wanting to share on here, but haven’t seemed to have the chance – I am a bit distractable aren’t I! (Is that a word? It seems like it should be…)

I’ve realized that my DID is different than many others with DID in the sense that my parts aren’t that separate from myself (they don’t have their own names, physical traits, etc) and yet they are separate enough so that I am still considered to be DID. Does that make any sense? R has the name R, simply because I forced her to pick a name (other than “my” name), and the name stuck. Same with Coraline, although I don’t call her by that name anymore. She is just “the difficult younger part” or something to that effect. But for the most part, these different parts of me don’t have that strongly developed senses of self. Most of them know that they are not me (and get quite upset when our therapist calls them “brandic”), but they also don’t know who they are.

 

My therapist is under the impression that the trauma is wanting to reveal itself. That that is the reason behind all the unexplained uncomfortable body sensation, the panic, the anger pushing up, etc that I’ve been experiencing very strongly in the last month or so. I don’t know what I think about this, other than that I hope she is right. I want to know what was so awful that caused me to have such severe PTSD and dissociation. Because truly, besides some emotional difficulties with my FOO, and a few uncomfortable sexual experiences, I can’t quite think of anything that would be traumatic enough to cause me to have the severe symptoms that I have. But most especially the PTSD. Because I can deny the DID at times, but I can’t deny that the PTSD is there. And for there to be PTSD, there needs to be trauma. So… what is the trauma*?

Hope all of you are well. I extend warm thoughts to all those out there reading, near and far. I am grateful for each and every one of you.

Next up: My next Truth from 30 Days of Truth!

 

* That’s the million dollar question

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Scared part, defensive part, and more evidence of DID

I had my weekly therapy session with my therapist today. Some therapy sessions feel more productive than others. This one was one of the more productive ones.

The first part of the session was spent with a scared part of me up in front. This is actually quite typical, and seems to be the norm for me in my sessions with Bean. I feel fine driving to therapy (usually). I start getting anxious once I’m on the elevator and then even more anxious in the waiting room. And then once Bean opens the door to welcome me into the office, I feel myself getting moved aside and this shy/scared/quiet part of me coming to the front.

This part acts completely terrified. And yet every time my therapist asks if she feel scared, she shakes her head no. Either she doesn’t want to admit that she’s scared, or perhaps she doesn’t actually realize how scared she is, or at least how scared she acts. She tenses our body into a tight little knot, her (our) shoulders are up to her ears, she hides her face behind her hands; she even began shaking at some point. My therapist asked her if she wanted to hear what she looked like to her. Scared part nodded. She went on to say that this part reminded her of someone bracing to be hurt really badly. Either shouted out, or said horribly mean things to, or about to be hit. And that’s what it feels like – like she’s bracing up her body to be hurt. I don’t know whether that is true or not. She didn’t have a reaction to what Bean said. She often doesn’t have a reaction to what Bean says. For her to answer Bean’s questions is rare, and when she does, it’s usually an extremely slight nod, or head shake, or shrugging of the shoulders.

Eventually, I felt myself slowly returning back. I then spent the rest of the session discussing things that have happened in the last couple days, and things that I’ve learned about myself.

But first, I must give a small snippet of history:

For many years, two of my good (gay) friends were a couple. Married in fact. Then a couple years ago, it came out that one of the two was having an affair with someone else. Someone he ended up leaving his partner for.

What I did know

-That I was very angry at the time toward this friend
-That I spent endless amounts of time on the phone with him at the time yelling at him and telling him what a big mistake he was making
-That I refused to talk to him for over a year because of what he did and the hurt he caused his partner / my other friend

What I didn’t know

I didn’t know that I sent an angry email to the person my friend was cheating with behind my friend’s back and spouted angry words to this person.

WHAT?!

Not a clue. And after endless searching in my “sent” mailbox, the elusive email could not be found. I did however, find back and forth emails between myself and the friend I was angry at immediately after me sending the email, so there’s no question about whether it actually happened or not. Upon finding out about it, I felt shocked and embarrassed that I would do something so underhanded.

So…

This has caused me to discover that I have a protective part of me who emerges when I/we feel threatened or hurt, or when a close friend is threatened or hurt. This part uses sharp words and behavior to attack others, and operates from an extremely critical and judgmental place. This part is inexorably linked to me, and always thought it was just a “mode” I would get into, but now I’m starting to see that it’s an actual part of me who operates a bit separate from myself and who has a different way of thinking about things.

During my therapy session, every time I began speaking negatively about of this part – I hate the fact that I have such a harsh and judgmental part of me – my therapist reminded me that they are there for protective functions. Its purpose is to shield and protect me (or my loved ones) from hurt. It’s still a bit difficult to accept fully though. All of this is a bit big for my mind to hold all at once.

The good thing about this situation, and learning about the angry email I sent to this person I didn’t even know, is that this provides more evidence to the fact that I do have DID, and I must remind myself of these things when the denial starts to kick in. And the denial, like this summer heat, doesn’t ever seem to go away!

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Default: denying the DID

Over the past four or five days, I’ve been questioning the DID big time. I thought that my therapist confirming that she thinks I do, in fact, have DID that somehow it would make it more east to accept. My therapist is an expert in dissociation after all. However much her opinion may be that I have DID, the reality is that it is, simply, her opinion. And opinions can be wrong. She never did a single diagnostic assessment after all. How does she expect me to believe her without some sort of testing to back her opinion up.

Who is R anyways. And if she is real and really does exist then where has she been the last five days or so. I haven’t even felt her close at all. And perhaps I’ve just been imagining her all along. In fact, I haven’t felt the presence of any other “parts” at all this past week. Well… perhaps the younger me was around one morning last week, but that’s about it. And that part of me last week who holds all the feelings of self hatred and self loathing. But… I’m just done trying to figure out who is who and which part is what. Why the hell did anyone give me a DID diagnosis in the first place. It doesn’t explain my experience. It just makes my experience even more confusing.

I want to put this diagnosis aside and just focus on the general dissociation that causes problems in my life. Not alters. Not parts. But dissociated memories, thoughts, and emotions. That’s what I need to gain access to. That’s what I need to work on. I’m done with the idea of having DID. It just simply does not fit my experience. Period.

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