Over the course of the last few days, while I’ve been on vacation, my mind has traversed a variety of emotions that have seemed to come out of nowhere. This is nothing new; unexpected feelings often assail me. And the fact that I’m on vacation does not follow that I’m on vacation from my internal world.
The one that has come up most strongly, albeit fairly infrequently, has been anger and rage. Especially, I’ve noticed, when I’m drinking wine. This also isn’t uncommon. Often dissociated feelings come up when I let me guard down – ie drink. I don’t like being drunk. When I have wine, I usually only have one or two glasses. I don’t like the feeling of being out of control that comes with being drunk. There are a few exceptions: when I go out with my friends for a fun time, for instance. That is few and far between though. For the most part, me + drunk = bad combo. So I don’t do it.
But even with only a drink or two in me, feelings that are often repressed or outside my conscious awareness tend to come up. The most common, it seems, is rage.
When these feelings have come up over the last several days, I’ve tried my best to just let the feelings wash over me and try not to fight them. I’ve learned that fighting them or trying to push them away often makes them worse.
Where this anger and rage comes from, I can only guess. I would assume from other dissociated parts of me. This knowledge (or assumption) doesn’t make the situation any easier though. The feelings are there, and they are big. But I’ve been trying to treat them the same way I try to treat every other part of me: with gentleness and acceptance. Which isn’t to say this is easy. But I’ve noticed when I can accept these feelings and just observe them and allow them to be there actually makes the overall experience of them much more manageable.
Now the question comes into play: what’s behind this anger and rage? I suppose that’s what therapy is supposed to help me with. For now, I’m going to try not to worry about it too much. After all, I have my vacation to enjoy!