My mind and body are screaming in horror and agony. The end is closing in on me. I will not survive.
At least this is what it feels like. I try to tell myself that this is not real, that this is not really happening, that everything is okay and that I am safe. It’s not helping. I feel like a cow that’s being dragged to slaughter. It knows its own fate even before seeing it.
Why do I perpetually feel this way? What has happened in my life to create these feelings in me that I’m heading, overcome by terror, toward my death. That I will not survive.
Screaming in agony.
I know these. But how? Why? What has happened in my life that I would know such terror?
I want to know and yet the answers are eluding me.
To my body and mind,
I want to know. Please tell me what it is you’ve been trying to tell me. I can feel this horror, this unbelievable pain, this sheer terror. I can feel it. I am experiencing it, with no reprieve. Can you not share with me the source of these things? I want to know. I can handle it. I feel ready to handle it. I want answers. I want my life to make sense. Right now it doesn’t make any sense. Right now I can’t think of a time in my life when I’ve ever been truly terrified. I want to know the source – of all this pain, of all this fear, of all this torment. I want to know. I am ready. Please please let me know what it is that you are trying to tell me with these flooded feelings and sensations. This is my life. And I want to know. I want to know so that I may heal. Please please tell me what it is so we can all heal from it and move forward. Because if I don’t know the source of these feelings, the healing can’t happen, plain and simple. I may not have been ready before, but I am ready now. I am tired of feeling like an emotional punching bag. One emotion punches me from one angle; another emotion from another angle. It’s truly exhausting, and I don’t feel we have to live this way. We deserve better. We deserve to be free from this torment. We deserve to live. We deserve to heal. We deserve peace.
I do not know
But the anxiety has wrapped itself around my chest
An impending doom
Clutches at me
Not letting me breathe
Not letting me think
I want to run
I want to scream
But I can’t move
I am paralyzed
By this fear
That holds me under
All peace, all joy
That were once here
What I would give
To be free
Of all that has a hold on me
I realize that for much of my life, I’ve drawn manipulative people into my life. Friendships, boyfriends/girlfriends, and now – I’m realizing – bosses.
My last post was about the upset I felt as a result of letting someone down who I had made a commitment to. I got dates mixed up, and it was an honest mistake, but still I was roasting myself over the fire because of it. I even went so far as to call my actions “unforgivable.”
The thing I’ve come to realize is, this woman is volatile, unpredictable, and, although it is done in extremely passive aggressive ways, manipulative. The reason I turned on myself last night and called my actions unforgivable was because I knew – or I sensed anyway – that she will probably not forgive me. I am not saying this to be overly dramatic. That’s truly the way she is. Or I at least won’t hear from her for a good number of months. The thing is… and here’s the difficult part… I took care of her daughter, who I was very close to. And the thing that she had asked me to do was to help out at her daughter’s birthday party. She’s a bit distrusting of people, so when she asked me to do it, she said that there are few people she feels she can trust to be there and help her in that way. That’s something she’s always told me. How I’m the only one she feels she could trust with her daughter. But I’m now seeing this as a means to get me to do what she wants. She can use the excuse that she doesn’t have anyone else (since she “can’t trust anyone else”) and therefore “needs” me. Every time I’ve ever been unavailable in the past, she’s made me feel bad about it. So I would bend over backwards trying to accommodate her every need. And now that I’ve gone ahead and cancelled on her on a commitment we discussed several weeks ago, I know she probably is hating me right now, and I won’t hear back from her.
I’m starting to recognize the signs of manipulation. I never saw her as a manipulative person before, but after my own response upon having to cancel on her, and how strongly I feared her reaction, I think I’m starting to see things for what they are: she is an unstable and (perhaps unconsciously) manipulative person.
I’m sad because I wanted to see her daughter before they moved away. And I fear that I am not going to be able to do so. A part of me has to let this go, because I haven’t actually seen them (or heard from this woman) in almost a year, and then she calls me out of the blue to ask me to help her on that day. I was happy to do so, since it seemed it would be the last time I got to see her little daughter. But there are some things that you can’t control. What I can control are my own boundaries and my own dignity. There is no reason I should continue punishing myself for something that – which people on here have kindly reminded me of – was an honest mistake. Now it’s just letting go of what this person thinks of me that will be the hardest part.
I am looking for myself for I am lost
I can feel myself close
Just right around the corner
Or am I?
I can feel the anguish I am experiencing
I can feel my sense of fear
I can tell that I am scared
Being lost, and not able to find my way
I close my eyes and listen
I hear nothing but silence
Where am I
How do I find myself
And bring me home?
I am hating self right now. I am being flooded with feelings of disgust and repulsion and anger toward myself. This was prompted by allowing a friend to see a little bit more of me, by putting myself out there, by allowing myself to be open and exposed and vulnerable. And my mind is punishing me for it.
These are some of the thoughts and negative self-talk that are going through my head:
-If this friend sees the real “me” she will become repulsed and leave. After all who would want to be friends with me.
-I am disgusting and I need to keep my mouth shut. No one wants to hear it.
-I spew only filth and everyone in my path who hears me (knows me) is susceptible.
-I have to exercise more self-control. I made a fool out of myself and that is unacceptable.
-I deserve to be punished for the way I behaved (**a note here: the way I “behaved” was simply me letting myself be silly and by letting someone else see me be silly).
I realize these are all irrational thoughts and yet they are still ruling my mind at the moment.
Really mind? Can you not let me be happy for a single second? Can you not let me enjoy life and laugh and be myself and reveal myself to others without slamming your fist down on me? I am not as disgusting as you think I am. I am not as pathetic as you think I am. Despite what you may think (and tell me over and over), I have a right to have friends, I have a right to let those friends get to know me, and I have a right to laugh and be happy and enjoy myself. I refuse to let you ruin this. I refuse to let you ruin my happiness or my friendships just because you are scared and assume everyone will leave. Everyone will not leave. Partner hasn’t left after all these years. She has proven I’m worthwhile and not disgusting. (Said) friend hasn’t left yet in all these months. Why would she leave now. Am I not allowed a little silliness, a little fun, a little happiness? Must you always come in, ruin the party, torment me..
I know you want me to run, mind. To push everyone away. To crawl up into a hole and keep the world out. Reject them before they reject me. I’m not going to do that. I deserve friendship. I deserve love. I deserve acceptance.
I deserve to be seen. And heard.
I want to share with you a miracle that happened this morning. When I woke up this morning, I felt calm. That’s it. That’s the miracle. And it was an amazing and wonderful feeling.
Every morning, pretty much without fail, when the alarm goes off the screaming in my head starts, and I am flooded with terror. The thought of getting out of bed is not only overwhelming, it is unbearable. I wrap myself up even tighter in my covers and delay the inevitable for as long as possible. Finally, when I can’t afford to stay in bed one more minute, I painfully peel the covers back and thrust my body out of the bed despite the shrieks and protests in my mind. The entire morning is spent trying to reassure myself that I’m okay, that I am safe. My partner can hardly say a word to me in the mornings because it usually results in me shrieking, running and hiding, or both.
But not this morning. This morning, when the alarm went off, my mind was quiet. Things actually felt okay. I felt like I was actually able to breathe normally. My heart was beating at its regular speed. I was calm. I was calm.
Every week when I see my therapist, she asks me if my mornings have gotten any better. Every week I tell her, no still hard. I always wondered why she asked, because I didn’t see it changing in the foreseeable future. This has been going on for… well… at least a year.
But it did. It finally changed. I don’t know if this was a one time deal, or a longer lasting change. I don’t know, but I’ll take it. I was actually able to have an adult conversation with my partner this morning, and that is rare if not nonexistent.
So I am feeling a bit up this morning. A celebration of sorts.