Tag Archives: friendship

Long summer nights

I’m feeling particularly lonely tonight. And it’s not just tonight. It’s been a string that’s been tugging on me these last few days.

To give you readers an update, my partner and I are working things out. And that all feels really good. But then there’s just this nagging loneliness.

I’ve always felt very alone in this world. And it seems no matter how many social things I do, it doesn’t really seem to affect my overall level of loneliness. I think the thing that feels most lacking is having close friends. And I don’t mean this as a slight to my good friends. It’s just, I suppose I long for closeness with other people. Besides my partner I mean. And the ways I feel closest to people is in person and on the phone. Not texting. And what sucks is, my closest friends like texting to be the primary mode of communication. And this perhaps adds to the feelings of loneliness. Because how can you feel close to someone when you are typing words on a screen? I suppose some do. In fact, I know they must, otherwise they would seek out other means of connection. But for me it just leaves me feeling lonely.

Perhaps it’s related to the aspergers. Because I do have aspergers. And people who have aspergers tend to feel like perpetual outsiders in their lives. That pretty much fits me to a T. I prefer one-on-one to group things any day, although don’t get me wrong I enjoy group things. And I guess I feel as though I hardly see my friends on a one-on-one basis. People are busy. They have their own lives, I totally get it. But I feel like I’m stuck in this ongoing wheel of loneliness that I can’t get off of.

Some people are very content being alone and spending time alone. I’m quite the opposite. And yet I feel like I spend so much of my time – when I’m not with my partner, alone.

I don’t know how to make it better or remedy it. I’m not very good at making friends, since there are few people who I truly feel comfortable with.
And the friends I have are the kind of people who seem to cherish their time alone, for the most part. Except for my one friend who has aspergers who lives in another state. He helps me to feel less alone…

That’s all for tonight. I apologize if this is a woe-is-me post. I’m just feeling lonely and longing for connection. And I realize that sometimes even when I long for it, I don’t necessarily get to have it. That’s life I suppose.

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Back and writing again

Hello to all my new readers and old ones. I know there’s a couple stragglers that still are reading from before. That brings me a sense of solace (Kadeen and Feral especially).

It’s funny how I only tend to write when things are really hard. When things are going well it’s like I have nothing to say. Of perhaps it’s because I’m out there enjoying my life and not focusing on the stuff going on inside my head.

However, when things are hard, I can’t help but turn inside. To reflect and introspect. I suppose that’s normal and healthy. Normal and healthy… Whoever thought I’d be saying that!

There are two things weighing very heavily on me at the moment. One is the situation I’m in with my partner. Things are really tough at the moment. The other is the fact that one of my closest friends most likely has cancer. That’s what prompted the untitled poem I wrote a couple posts ago.

I have a partner who loves me so much. Unconditionally in fact. But I’ve come to realization these past six months that I wasn’t happy in the relationship. I’ve since expressed my unhappiness to my partner, and the reasons for it. And want to hear something spectacular? She listened, and understood, and recognized the ways that she utterly failed me in our relationship (her words not mine), and says she’s willing to do whatever it takes to change and to work on all of it. Spectacular to my mind. Not to my heart. My heart has grown hardened over the last seven years we’ve been together. And you’d think I would welcome her desire and enthusiasm to change as a relief, or a gift. But my hardened heart isn’t sure what to feel; it is hardened after all.

All the hurts and the disappointments over the years seem to have buried any enthusiasm I feel in the relationship. I’m not sure if it’s possible to excavate that enthusiasm. I’d like to think that it’s possible, but I’m just not certain.

We are seeing a couples therapist for the first time tomorrow. For the first time this time around that is. We saw one a number of years back. I don’t have huge hopes or expectations. If I hope or desire anything, it’s to heal the mountain of hurt that sits on my heart. That perhaps if that happens, I’ll want to move forward and have my heart 100% in this relationship. Because right now it’s not. And my partner can tell. And it makes me feel like I’m only partly alive.

I’m sure I will heal from the wounds inflicted in my past, but the biggest question is, do I want to do it with her. Or perhaps let this one go and move forward with my life. There are ways I feel this relationship is holding me back. But perhaps it’s me that’s holding myself back, I don’t know.

What I do know is that each and every day is such a struggle right now. I have relinquished the desire to take care of my partner, for the time being. She can take care of herself during this time. But it’s also a struggle taking care of myself. I started smoking again. I’ve been drinking more than I should. I haven’t been getting adequate sleep… So yeah self care is a struggle. I’m trying not to be too hard on myself about it though. After all, these are my coping mechanisms.

To focus on the positive side of things, I’m happily surprised that I’m doing as well as I am considering the circumstances. I feel stronger I think than I’ve ever felt before. If this upheaval had occurred a couple years ago, or even just one year ago, who knows what sort of shape I’d be in. Perhaps all this is surfacing because I am ready and able to handle it. I’d like to think so anyways…

As for my friend… The doctors found four tumors in various parts of her body. One on each kidney, one on her liver, and one embedded in a muscle in her upper back. The chances of them being benign is about 10%. Not high but I’ll take it. She is having a biopsy done toward the end of the month, so I’ll know more then. But for now, perhaps those of you who believe in positive thoughts can send some good vibes her way. Let’s call her K. She could use all the good thoughts and vibes she can get.

I’ll leave you with that. To my faithful readers who have stuck with me and are still reading, thank you. During times like this you feel like a lifeline.

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Life, how fragile a thing
Disease it gnaws at innocence
Lost
All too fragile
Ever too frail
Sitting on the edge of a precarious wing
Love and longing
Pages are burning
Of a book that has yet to be written
Sweetness taken
Our souls forbidden
To hold e’er near
The ones we hold dear

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Slow Down, Merry-Go-Round

I’ve had a very difficult and stressful last few weeks, but I am beginning to feel things slowing down. It was almost like my life was a merry-go-round that was spinning way too fast and out of control. Every part of me was stressed out, numbed out, or triggered in some way or another. I actually think this out-of-control-merry-go-round feeling has been going on for some time now. And it feels good to finally feel like things are moving at a slower pace, that things don’t feel so big and so heavy and so overwhelming. I feel more centered and more grounded. I feel like I can finally breathe.

These last few months has kicked up a lot of emotional dust, especially with difficult stuff that happened with a friend, as well as dealing with the aftermath of my partners friend’s suicide. But the dust is now beginning to settle, like snow in a snow globe when you shake it and then set it down, and I’m beginning to see things more clearly.

Of course, the denial of the DID has kicked in big time. Even despite the events of last week (finding out about the real “RAGE”). I’m beginning to think it was all just made-up/imaginary. I also haven’t felt R/Asher’s presence at all, and that is freaking me out a bit. The other night I asked where she was, and this thought came, “I am still here.” But it wasn’t her voice. It sounded like my own voice. Perhaps it’s how she sounds when she’s calm, I don’t know. I told her how much I love and appreciate her. How much I value her in my life. Her response to that was, “okay.” Sometimes I do think, am I just making all this up? Sigh. I have to stop with the non-stop analysis. It’s hard though. How do you stop critiquing it all.

I appreciate all the followers of this blog who have stuck it out with me these last few weeks. I’m sure my posts have been disjointed and all over the place. Thank you for hanging in there and continuing to read. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it!!

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What Do I Know

I’ve been writing all these posts analyzing the loss of this friendship. How it happened. Why it happened. What was my role in it.

What do I know? These words are meaningless. The plain and simple truth is that I lost someone. They were there one day, and the next day they were not. Nothing else matters. No amount of thinking or analyzing can change the fact that I no longer have this friend. They are gone. And this reality fills me with pain, anger, and sadness. It was beyond my control. And I hate things that I can’t control. I hate that this happened. And I hate that there was nothing I could do about it.

How is it that one day someone can be one of the most important people in your life, and then just like that, at the snap of a finger, they are gone. Apparently it wasn’t like that for this friend. It had been building over time. She needed to get away. But why didn’t she tell me. Why didn’t she say something before it was too late.

It’s too much for my brain to comprehend. Too much pain, too much sadness, too much loss. I suppose I’m acting like a “victim” right now and dwelling in my loss, I don’t know. I don’t really care to be honest. Loss is loss and pain is pain. And I can’t make it go away, so I’m letting go of the judgment. Keeping it hidden and trapped inside will only make it worse. I thought I was a good friend. Perhaps I wasn’t. At least I know I tried to be a good friend. I will hold onto that knowledge…. I gave it my best and I gave it my all. And I’m not perfect. Nobody is.

And with that, I am letting go.

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My worst selves versus my best selves

A difficult situation recently caused me to stop and really look at the ways I show up in relationships. In doing so, I came to some conclusions about myself that I would like to share, specifically about my worst selves versus my best selves. Not selves in a dissociative sense, but just in a human nature sense. We all have different selves we present to the world, myself included.

Here are some examples of some of my worst selves:

– my insecure self
– my clingy self
– my anxious self
– my angry self
– my resentful self
– my manipulative self
– my passive aggressive self

I think some of these selves showed up in my past friendship that ended. It seems that that was one of the biggest reasons it ended. My inability to maintain balance within myself in the relationship. I think the first four were selves that showed up in the friendship and that ultimately pushed this person away. I think the final three were selves that presented themselves when the relationship was abruptly ended (and understandably so). None of these selves are helpful, nor are they healthy if they take a prominent place in relationships. I have to be willing to admit the things that I did wrong in the friendship. I cannot act blameless, since people don’t end friendships out of the blue. Sure, a part of it was her own issues I’m sure. How big a part I don’t know. Only she can answer that question. But I can take responsibility for my role in the friendship going down in flames and a big part of it, I believe, is that I was letting these worse selves of mine take a prominent role. I was clingy and insecure in the friendship; not a good combination. I was so scared of losing her that I clung. And I think what tends to happen when we are overcome by fear of losing a person is that we actually end up losing them.

Here are some examples of my best selves:

– my funny self
– my silly self
– my introspective self
– my caring self
– my empathetic self
– my listening self
– my giving self
– my strong self
– my confident self

I think many of my best selves did show up in the relationship too. I can’t overlook that. But the last two, my strong self and my confident self, which are often present in many (if not most) of my other relationships, seemed to be lacking in this one for whatever reason. Self-doubt and insecurity often took their place.

The tragedy, for me, was the way in which this friendship ended. I apologize to you who are diligently reading this blog, because I must sound like a broken record. But to write this stuff down and get it out of me has proven to be therapeutic, so please forgive the redundancy. When I say the way it ended, I mean the total and utter cutting off of contact, the refusal to listen and hear my hurt, the lashing out, the angry and hostile words, the accusations, the assumptions… I think I would have been much more willing to hear and be open to what this person had to say had they approached me in a kinder manner. But nothing about the way she ended it was kind. Nothing at all.

I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I keep turning my head toward the sun and try to hear what it has to tell me. I try to be kind and gentle with myself, since I’m the one who needs to give that to myself the most. If nothing else, this situation has caused me to bind tightly together with myself, first in defense of myself (when it felt I was being verbally attacked), and now in support of myself. I need lots of support right now, and who better than to give it to me than myself.

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Loss

As many of you have read, I have endured a tremendous loss recently of a friend. It was one of the most painful losses I have suffered, not so much because I have lost this person (which would be painful in itself), but how it happened. I have been trying to focus on myself these last several days, and I’ve really been trying to do things that make me happy. I went for a hike with my hiking group yesterday, for example. Then I came home and took a bath. These things made me quite happy. I also went to see a movie with a friend last night in the theaters. It’s been a while since I’ve seen a movie in the theaters, and it was nice having that sense of escape.

However, I very much still think about the person who was a huge part of my life these last six months or so. A whole mix of feelings have been going through me. Pain, sadness, confusion, anger, frustration, and helplessness to name a few. It is hard enough losing someone. But to have the rug of your friendship pulled out completely from underneath you, especially when you least expect it, well… that was the hardest part I think. Actually I take that back. That was hard. But then what transpired after that was even more painful. The angry words. The accusations. The meanness. It’s been really hard not retaliating. Holding my tongue. Taking a step back and telling myself that it’s not worth it. The friendship is over, so what would be the point of jabbing back. Of trying to defend myself and refuting everything this person is saying about me. There really is no point, and it would only make matters worse. It would only fuel the fire. That’s the last thing I want. I want to put out the fire, so that I can heal. I have to let her go. But it’s not easy.

My anxiety has calmed down quite a bit since I took a break from coming online and blogging, etc. I think that the internet, particularly places this friend visits, felt unsafe and was keeping me in this panicked state. I needed to pull back and let my body calm down and recover. By continuing to post and read her posts, I was keeping myself triggered and not letting myself get to another place with all of it. I was staying in the trauma of the dysfunctional relationship. Because I see now our relationship was dysfunctional.

Which isn’t to say that we couldn’t have fixed it, or at least tried to fix it. I think what was happening at the end was that the both of us were feeling like we had to be there for the other person 24/7, in case that other person needed them. It was a very co-dependent way of operating, and it wasn’t helpful (or health-ful) to either of us. What neither of us realized, I think, was that we were both feeling that way. That we were both feeling worn down. That we both were feeling overwhelmed by the friendship. That we were both feeling sucked dry. And yet this person, rather than deciding to verbalize how they were feeling, and ask for some space (or whatever it was that they needed), instead decided to end the friendship very hastily. And when I tried expressing my feelings of hurt about that, I was lashed out against and being accused of ignoring her feelings as well as playing the role of the “victim.”

I have had people verbally attack me in the past, and end friendships suddenly like this, but I have to say it has been many many years since something like this has happened. I have really made an effort to cultivate healthy and positive relationships, ones where people want to and are able to articulate the difficulties they are having with me, or with the friendship, so we can attempt to work them out. This obviously didn’t happen here.

I may not be posting as much, at least for the next little while, and I hope you can all understand why. I am needing to really focus on myself at the moment, and trying to heal the hurt from this loss, and it’s not going to happen overnight. I apologize for being a bit out of touch lately. Especially to those people who I usually follow and comment on your blogs. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s just I need time to focus on myself right now. That is my priority at the moment.

 

 

I would like to share with all of you a flower that I found recently on a walk. It was just sitting there on the sidewalk. It had fallen from a bush overhead. These flowers were growing wild, if you can believe it. I just thought it was so beautiful, I just had to pick it up and take it home. This is something I’ve been trying to do lately: focus on the little things that I think are beautiful and that make me happy. Hope you can all appreciate this flower as much as I do.

 

 

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