Tag Archives: grief

Back and writing again

Hello to all my new readers and old ones. I know there’s a couple stragglers that still are reading from before. That brings me a sense of solace (Kadeen and Feral especially).

It’s funny how I only tend to write when things are really hard. When things are going well it’s like I have nothing to say. Of perhaps it’s because I’m out there enjoying my life and not focusing on the stuff going on inside my head.

However, when things are hard, I can’t help but turn inside. To reflect and introspect. I suppose that’s normal and healthy. Normal and healthy… Whoever thought I’d be saying that!

There are two things weighing very heavily on me at the moment. One is the situation I’m in with my partner. Things are really tough at the moment. The other is the fact that one of my closest friends most likely has cancer. That’s what prompted the untitled poem I wrote a couple posts ago.

I have a partner who loves me so much. Unconditionally in fact. But I’ve come to realization these past six months that I wasn’t happy in the relationship. I’ve since expressed my unhappiness to my partner, and the reasons for it. And want to hear something spectacular? She listened, and understood, and recognized the ways that she utterly failed me in our relationship (her words not mine), and says she’s willing to do whatever it takes to change and to work on all of it. Spectacular to my mind. Not to my heart. My heart has grown hardened over the last seven years we’ve been together. And you’d think I would welcome her desire and enthusiasm to change as a relief, or a gift. But my hardened heart isn’t sure what to feel; it is hardened after all.

All the hurts and the disappointments over the years seem to have buried any enthusiasm I feel in the relationship. I’m not sure if it’s possible to excavate that enthusiasm. I’d like to think that it’s possible, but I’m just not certain.

We are seeing a couples therapist for the first time tomorrow. For the first time this time around that is. We saw one a number of years back. I don’t have huge hopes or expectations. If I hope or desire anything, it’s to heal the mountain of hurt that sits on my heart. That perhaps if that happens, I’ll want to move forward and have my heart 100% in this relationship. Because right now it’s not. And my partner can tell. And it makes me feel like I’m only partly alive.

I’m sure I will heal from the wounds inflicted in my past, but the biggest question is, do I want to do it with her. Or perhaps let this one go and move forward with my life. There are ways I feel this relationship is holding me back. But perhaps it’s me that’s holding myself back, I don’t know.

What I do know is that each and every day is such a struggle right now. I have relinquished the desire to take care of my partner, for the time being. She can take care of herself during this time. But it’s also a struggle taking care of myself. I started smoking again. I’ve been drinking more than I should. I haven’t been getting adequate sleep… So yeah self care is a struggle. I’m trying not to be too hard on myself about it though. After all, these are my coping mechanisms.

To focus on the positive side of things, I’m happily surprised that I’m doing as well as I am considering the circumstances. I feel stronger I think than I’ve ever felt before. If this upheaval had occurred a couple years ago, or even just one year ago, who knows what sort of shape I’d be in. Perhaps all this is surfacing because I am ready and able to handle it. I’d like to think so anyways…

As for my friend… The doctors found four tumors in various parts of her body. One on each kidney, one on her liver, and one embedded in a muscle in her upper back. The chances of them being benign is about 10%. Not high but I’ll take it. She is having a biopsy done toward the end of the month, so I’ll know more then. But for now, perhaps those of you who believe in positive thoughts can send some good vibes her way. Let’s call her K. She could use all the good thoughts and vibes she can get.

I’ll leave you with that. To my faithful readers who have stuck with me and are still reading, thank you. During times like this you feel like a lifeline.

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Lonely Wednesday

Today I am feeling overcome with loneliness. I’m also having paranoid thinking that everyone who normally reads my blog (with the exception of one or two) has drifted off with the wind. That I have lost them somehow. This is probably not the case, but it’s something I am so fearful of happening that sometimes the fear bleeds over and threatens to make itself seem like a reality. Perhaps my regular commenters are just taking a little respite from reading?

Why does this idea scare me so. To lose my readers. I don’t know. And yet the idea absolutely terrifies me. Almost as though this is the only thing I have left, and if I lose this, I lose everything. Why should it matter though is what I’m wondering. Perhaps it’s days like today where I’m feeling particularly alone and vulnerable is when I feel I need my close-knit little support group near, cheering me on. And even saying this sends huge waves of guilt through me, because, how dare I want anything from anyone. How totally and completely selfish of me.

Ugh. So yeah. My mind today is presenting me with all sorts of fun challenges as you can see.

I think I’m having a day where I’m just feeling a huge sense of loss for all the people I have lost in the last few years, and it feels like quite a few. Several of those being people I could, at one time, call my closest friends. How is it that one’s closest friends can just up and leave. Fade. Vanish. Walk away and never look back. I don’t understand.

The pain in my heart of these losses is enormous. It makes me want to cling to the small handful of people I have left. And then I wonder how confident I can be that these people won’t slowly drift away either. Because that’s what people seem to do isn’t it.

Don’t mind me, my mind is just having one of its very sad and heavy days.

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A fall-apart night

Yesterday was, what should I say… intense? I was tired, I was moody, the heat wasn’t helping. Also what didn’t help was going clothes shopping. Some people might enjoy clothes shopping. I enjoy the end result, but the whole process to me is just awful. Having to browse through the racks, all the people also browsing through the racks, trying to avoid eye contact, waiting for the dressing room, the dressing room itself, having to assess whether an item of clothing looks good on oneself… I was already in a triggered state when we left to go shopping, and the shopping only made it worse. By the time I got home, I was tired and hot and extremely moody.

The party was fine, although when we left I could tell something was wrong with myself/inner world, I just couldn’t figure out what. Anger was pushing up from inside but I couldn’t tell what was prompting it or where it was coming from. Screaming voices inside… Once home, I then got triggered when my partner turned off the fan and I asked her to please turn it back on. She said, “well, why don’t you take your long-sleeve shirt off first. Maybe you wouldn’t feel so warm then.” This triggered off inside the equivalent to world war III. Intense switching, then everything being stuck inside and body is paralyzed, then fuming anger, and then finally falling asleep in the living room on the couch. My parter came out and woke me up, at which point (and this is where things feel foggy and uncertain), I cried and sobbed for what felt like a long time. It was a bizarre experience though, because “I” didn’t feel sad, yet I was watching myself crying and sobbing. I also heard myself say, “My body was never mine,” and “I don’t even know what it’s like to have my own body.” Quite honestly, I’m not exactly sure why I was saying that or what I was referring to, although I imagine something related to the abuse. I know that I was in an extremely dissociated state. Not really sure if it was “me” talking or another part of me.

And then quite suddenly, almost like a genie being sucked back into a bottle, all the sadness and grief (?) got sucked back inside my body, I felt like I was back to myself (rather than watching myself), and I could quite literally feel the physical weight and pressure of the sadness and grief pushing up inside my body. I no longer felt the sadness as sadness (even though I’m inclined to say I never “felt” the sadness at all), I felt it only as an intense anxiety. The sadness and grief that had been pouring out of me with tears and sobs virtually disappeared in the matter of a few seconds, and I was back to being my typical numb and shut down self.

By this time, it must have been well past 2am, although I don’t remember looking at a clock through any of this, and finally we came back to bed and I fell asleep in my partners arms. Upon waking this morning, screaming, angry voices in my head. A typical start to a typical day I suppose.

I just wonder, if I could feel all those feelings of grief and sadness, without feeling the need to shove it all back inside like what happened last night (even though it felt like an unconscious process much more than a conscious process), I’m wondering if I would then heal? That the key to my healing is feeling the pain and sadness and grief from the betrayals of my childhood, both physical and emotional? Do I actually have to “remember the trauma” in order to heal? Or perhaps simply feeling the feelings and releasing them will release their hold on me? I really don’t know. What I do know is that I feel no better as a result of my hours of crying last night. In fact, it didn’t even feel like “me” who was crying, and perhaps it wasn’t. Where does that leave me then…?

I guess I am left with myself. The numb, emotionally shut down self. The functional yet dead-inside self. The fake, the phony, the fraud, the lie. The mask, the pacifier, the pleaser, the chameleon. The empty, hollow shell with nothing inside. That is me. Whoopee.

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Loss

As many of you have read, I have endured a tremendous loss recently of a friend. It was one of the most painful losses I have suffered, not so much because I have lost this person (which would be painful in itself), but how it happened. I have been trying to focus on myself these last several days, and I’ve really been trying to do things that make me happy. I went for a hike with my hiking group yesterday, for example. Then I came home and took a bath. These things made me quite happy. I also went to see a movie with a friend last night in the theaters. It’s been a while since I’ve seen a movie in the theaters, and it was nice having that sense of escape.

However, I very much still think about the person who was a huge part of my life these last six months or so. A whole mix of feelings have been going through me. Pain, sadness, confusion, anger, frustration, and helplessness to name a few. It is hard enough losing someone. But to have the rug of your friendship pulled out completely from underneath you, especially when you least expect it, well… that was the hardest part I think. Actually I take that back. That was hard. But then what transpired after that was even more painful. The angry words. The accusations. The meanness. It’s been really hard not retaliating. Holding my tongue. Taking a step back and telling myself that it’s not worth it. The friendship is over, so what would be the point of jabbing back. Of trying to defend myself and refuting everything this person is saying about me. There really is no point, and it would only make matters worse. It would only fuel the fire. That’s the last thing I want. I want to put out the fire, so that I can heal. I have to let her go. But it’s not easy.

My anxiety has calmed down quite a bit since I took a break from coming online and blogging, etc. I think that the internet, particularly places this friend visits, felt unsafe and was keeping me in this panicked state. I needed to pull back and let my body calm down and recover. By continuing to post and read her posts, I was keeping myself triggered and not letting myself get to another place with all of it. I was staying in the trauma of the dysfunctional relationship. Because I see now our relationship was dysfunctional.

Which isn’t to say that we couldn’t have fixed it, or at least tried to fix it. I think what was happening at the end was that the both of us were feeling like we had to be there for the other person 24/7, in case that other person needed them. It was a very co-dependent way of operating, and it wasn’t helpful (or health-ful) to either of us. What neither of us realized, I think, was that we were both feeling that way. That we were both feeling worn down. That we both were feeling overwhelmed by the friendship. That we were both feeling sucked dry. And yet this person, rather than deciding to verbalize how they were feeling, and ask for some space (or whatever it was that they needed), instead decided to end the friendship very hastily. And when I tried expressing my feelings of hurt about that, I was lashed out against and being accused of ignoring her feelings as well as playing the role of the “victim.”

I have had people verbally attack me in the past, and end friendships suddenly like this, but I have to say it has been many many years since something like this has happened. I have really made an effort to cultivate healthy and positive relationships, ones where people want to and are able to articulate the difficulties they are having with me, or with the friendship, so we can attempt to work them out. This obviously didn’t happen here.

I may not be posting as much, at least for the next little while, and I hope you can all understand why. I am needing to really focus on myself at the moment, and trying to heal the hurt from this loss, and it’s not going to happen overnight. I apologize for being a bit out of touch lately. Especially to those people who I usually follow and comment on your blogs. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s just I need time to focus on myself right now. That is my priority at the moment.

 

 

I would like to share with all of you a flower that I found recently on a walk. It was just sitting there on the sidewalk. It had fallen from a bush overhead. These flowers were growing wild, if you can believe it. I just thought it was so beautiful, I just had to pick it up and take it home. This is something I’ve been trying to do lately: focus on the little things that I think are beautiful and that make me happy. Hope you can all appreciate this flower as much as I do.

 

 

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