Tag Archives: hurt

The hurt that keeps on hurting

The following is an email I sent my therapist about an hour ago:

Hi [Bean]. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. My body is pushing and hurting and crying out. Not in my mind but in my cells. It’s horribly uncomfortable and makes me feel like I’m going crazy. Or that I want to go crazy.

Please help.

These body memories – I know what they are now! – are killing me. Not literally (obviously) but I don’t know how much more of it I can take. Quite honestly I don’t know what to do. This pain is a pain that hurts me on a cellular level. I can take a lot. But this is beginning to feel like more than I can handle. I need relief. And I have no idea how to get it.

The only good thing is that it seems to let up in the mornings and evenings. It’s the afternoons that are unbearable. But in the mornings I’m so exhausted from my chronic insomnia, and in the evenings I’m often dealing with some other emotional conflict. Usually my time at work, with the child I care for, is a welcome break from all my psychological crap. Usually I can be with him and enjoy him, and for the most part he is a wonderful and delightful distraction.

Since last week, it takes every ounce of energy I have to give him my full attention. My body is screaming out in agonizing pain and it’s trying to take over complete control of my mind. Part of my attention is on him, and part is on the discomfort and pain and anguish in my body. It’s pretty much impossible to ignore it completely – despite the fact that I’m quite good at ignoring pain. This is the worse type of pain. It’s not purely physical and it’s not purely emotional. It’s emotional pain trying to push its way out of my body. And I really don’t know how much more I can take.

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Unsmiling me

Today, I am unsmiling. Today, I see the world for what it is: unpredictable. There are few assurances in life, friendship being one of them. I build a cocoon around myself as a shield, and I will sleep for a very long time. No one will be able to enter this protective space. No one will be able to see inside. There I will be safe. There I will be protected – from the harshness of this unpredictable world. I am no longer smiling me. I am no longer trusting me. I am no longer warm and generous me. Those me’s are being kept deep down inside the protective space. You won’t be seeing those me’s for quite some time. Now, I am unsmiling me.

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Loss

As many of you have read, I have endured a tremendous loss recently of a friend. It was one of the most painful losses I have suffered, not so much because I have lost this person (which would be painful in itself), but how it happened. I have been trying to focus on myself these last several days, and I’ve really been trying to do things that make me happy. I went for a hike with my hiking group yesterday, for example. Then I came home and took a bath. These things made me quite happy. I also went to see a movie with a friend last night in the theaters. It’s been a while since I’ve seen a movie in the theaters, and it was nice having that sense of escape.

However, I very much still think about the person who was a huge part of my life these last six months or so. A whole mix of feelings have been going through me. Pain, sadness, confusion, anger, frustration, and helplessness to name a few. It is hard enough losing someone. But to have the rug of your friendship pulled out completely from underneath you, especially when you least expect it, well… that was the hardest part I think. Actually I take that back. That was hard. But then what transpired after that was even more painful. The angry words. The accusations. The meanness. It’s been really hard not retaliating. Holding my tongue. Taking a step back and telling myself that it’s not worth it. The friendship is over, so what would be the point of jabbing back. Of trying to defend myself and refuting everything this person is saying about me. There really is no point, and it would only make matters worse. It would only fuel the fire. That’s the last thing I want. I want to put out the fire, so that I can heal. I have to let her go. But it’s not easy.

My anxiety has calmed down quite a bit since I took a break from coming online and blogging, etc. I think that the internet, particularly places this friend visits, felt unsafe and was keeping me in this panicked state. I needed to pull back and let my body calm down and recover. By continuing to post and read her posts, I was keeping myself triggered and not letting myself get to another place with all of it. I was staying in the trauma of the dysfunctional relationship. Because I see now our relationship was dysfunctional.

Which isn’t to say that we couldn’t have fixed it, or at least tried to fix it. I think what was happening at the end was that the both of us were feeling like we had to be there for the other person 24/7, in case that other person needed them. It was a very co-dependent way of operating, and it wasn’t helpful (or health-ful) to either of us. What neither of us realized, I think, was that we were both feeling that way. That we were both feeling worn down. That we both were feeling overwhelmed by the friendship. That we were both feeling sucked dry. And yet this person, rather than deciding to verbalize how they were feeling, and ask for some space (or whatever it was that they needed), instead decided to end the friendship very hastily. And when I tried expressing my feelings of hurt about that, I was lashed out against and being accused of ignoring her feelings as well as playing the role of the “victim.”

I have had people verbally attack me in the past, and end friendships suddenly like this, but I have to say it has been many many years since something like this has happened. I have really made an effort to cultivate healthy and positive relationships, ones where people want to and are able to articulate the difficulties they are having with me, or with the friendship, so we can attempt to work them out. This obviously didn’t happen here.

I may not be posting as much, at least for the next little while, and I hope you can all understand why. I am needing to really focus on myself at the moment, and trying to heal the hurt from this loss, and it’s not going to happen overnight. I apologize for being a bit out of touch lately. Especially to those people who I usually follow and comment on your blogs. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s just I need time to focus on myself right now. That is my priority at the moment.

 

 

I would like to share with all of you a flower that I found recently on a walk. It was just sitting there on the sidewalk. It had fallen from a bush overhead. These flowers were growing wild, if you can believe it. I just thought it was so beautiful, I just had to pick it up and take it home. This is something I’ve been trying to do lately: focus on the little things that I think are beautiful and that make me happy. Hope you can all appreciate this flower as much as I do.

 

 

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Panic / Pain / Hurt

Over the last few days I’ve had panic hitting me like a freight train. It’s woken me up and kept me up all night. It’s prevented me from being able to do much of anything. Even at my job, I find myself starting to panic and unable to breathe. I don’t think my panic has ever been quite this bad. I know this panic relates to this situation I’ve been dealing with over the last several days, it’s just frustrating how very little control I have over it. No amount of self-soothing or grounding exercises seems to be able to calm my frazzled nervous system.

The amount of pain that I am experiencing, on both a physical and psychological level, is overwhelming. My whole body hurts. I wish I could just shut the pain off but I can’t. It’s like the ocean’s waves, no matter how broken and torn you might feel, they don’t stop for anything. They keep pounding away, rain or shine, day or night, pounding on the sandy banks. I can’t stop this onslaught of pain no matter what I do. No matter how much I try to distract myself, or no matter what amount of kindness or love I give to myself. The pain remains, ever punching, ever probing, ever laughing. Pain please, please take it easy on me. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

I realize I’m going through a mourning process. I never knew how painful losing someone could be. I’ve lost people before, but it has never been quite like this. My friend one day just turned on me. That’s how it felt. Unexpectedly and out of the blue. Maybe it wasn’t unexpected or out of the blue for her. Maybe she’d been thinking about this for a long time. Perhaps a resentment had been growing inside her, one that she tried pushing down, until eventually it came out in a very powerful way. I really don’t know. And perhaps I will never know. This person is out of my life for good. I know that. And that stark reality is so very painful.

I just wish I had been given a chance to make things right. If I wasn’t a good friend, if I took too much, as she says, if I expected too much from her, or more than she was able to give, I wish I could have known that and had a chance to work on it. I would have done anything to be a better friend. The fact that I demanded too much, that I put too much onto this person, well, it weighs very heavily on me.

A part of me understands that this is not about me, and as I said in my last post, that I shouldn’t be heaping unnecessary amounts of shame and blame on myself. But saying it and doing it are two different things. It’s hard not to think I could have done things differently, that I could have been a better friend. It’s just horribly sad that I wasn’t given that chance.

Since I have been trying, however hard, to focus on what I do have in my life that I appreciate, and on the little things that make me happy, I thought I would list the things in my life that I am grateful for at the moment:

– my partner
– my therapist
– my stuffed animals
– my television shows
– the child I care for
– pillows
– music
– my dog and cats
– my friend L
– beauty of nature
– the warmth and protection of blankets

I must cling to all of these things right now to help me push through this very difficult time. I just wish they could help sooth my very heavy and hurting heart. I guess the only thing that will help with that is time. Oh how I wish time would speed up already.

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It. Hurts.

This pain began last night. It took a breather during the day today, but it has come back full force this evening. Not a physical pain. Or I should say, not a physical pain that has physical origins. This is a physical pain, but I know it is rooted in a deep emotional pain.

That’s all I know about it. That it is rooted in emotional pain. I don’t know any other of its qualities. I don’t know if its a sadness, a longing, a mourning, an anger… I wish I did. All I know is that it is there. And it’s excruciating.

I wish I had a calm, soothing balm that could soothe this pain. Like an aloe vera ointment soothes sunburn. I need something to soothe this horrific pain in my chest. Where my heart should be. Except it feels as though my heart has been ripped right out.

I need something to reassure me that I am going to get through this, that it will pass, that it will get better, that this pain will subside. I do realize that nothing external can provide this soothing. It has to come from within me. What if I don’t possess the capability to sooth myself. I was never soothed as a child, after all.

What if this pain lasts forever. What if I don’t ever heal. What if I don’t ever find out more about the elusive parts of me. Because that’s how they feel: elusive. They seem to know less about themselves than I do about them. Which is close to nothing. I guess we’re just one big mess – me and all the parts of me. Whoever or whatever they might be. If they even exist at all.

 

This is how I’m feeling right now. Like a doll who’s had its heart taken out.

 

 

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Still not well/ Therapy update/ Betrayal

I have a splitting headache, but I have a desire to post anyways. So here we go.

As you’ve probably gathered from the title, I’m still not feeling well. I’m still having stomach pains, and I have this gnawing headache that just won’t go away. And of course being in bed all day has exacerbated my back pain, so… good times all around :). But we won’t dwell on these things.

I ended up going to my therapy session yesterday, despite feeling as bad as I have been. As I was driving there, I realized I probably shouldn’t be driving. I was getting weak and dizzy and not able to focus very well on the cars ahead of me. Oops. Luckily we didn’t get into an accident!

I’m trying to remember what we talked about. Hmm. Bean was very aware of my not feeling well, and she kept commenting on my fluctuations in the coloring of my face. She is almost too observant sometimes in my opinion.

I remember mentioning that I had lost a friend of mine who had been molested by an older man and who ended up dropping out of school. That was in junior high. And that I had found out a month or two ago from my mom that I had apparently been questioned by detectives about it (!!!). No memory of that. :/

I remember becoming a frightened young girl in session. Telling Bean I was scared. I’m not quite sure what we talked about. Eesh my memory is foggy at the moment isn’t it.

After that part had surfaced and I had to come “back”, it was extremely hard and I was extremely anxious.

Bean said something like, “I bet that if your partner needed you right now, that if there were some emergency type of situation, that you’d be able to instantly shift gears and help her. Would you say that’s accurate?”

I said yes.

She said, “So you’re good at the quick transitions. What seems to be hard for you are the slow transitions. Does that seem about accurate?”

I agreed wholeheartedly. I am great at making quick transitions. I can switch in and out of states at the drop of a hat when needed. But as the clock clicks toward the end of therapy, it becomes excruciating, and I never want to leave. It just feels so safe there.

She said, “so what we need to work on are the slow transitions. One step at a time of course.”

Okay Bean, whatever you say.

Another thing that hasn’t helped while I’ve been so sick is that I had a friend essentially walk away from our friendship a few days ago. For really no reason other than he has too many “other things” going on in his life. Other things. Huh okay. This friend was an online friend, but still we had grown quite close in the several months I knew him. The ironic part about the whole thing is, I was leaning on him less and less toward the end. It became more of a light, carefree friendship. Or at least that’s how I saw it. So why he felt the need to end the friendship, well I’m still at a total loss. All I can say is that it hurts. It really hurts.

However strong I might act on the outside, however I might act like these sorts of things don’t affect me, they do. They really do.

I think that’s all I have the energy for at the moment. Readers thank you for sticking in there, those who I know and those who I don’t know. And if you’re feeling up to it, maybe you can send some healing thoughts my way. No obligation of course. 🙂

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Take Care of My Heart

Take care of my heart, for it is quite fragile
Take care of my heart, for it is crying
Take care of my heart, for it is bleeding

My heart, it has never been protected
My heart, it has been thrown around like a plaything

It needs time to grow
It needs time to feel
It needs time to heal.

Will you give me that time?

My heart, it needs a little cage to protect it
Won’t you help me build that little cage?
It doesn’t have to be very big

Oh how my heart has struggled
Oh how my heart has cried
Oh how my heart has bled

Will you take care of my heart?
Will you help keep it from harm?
Will you be gentle with it?

It needs protection.
It needs love.
It needs gentleness.
And above all, it needs care.

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