Excuse me, everyone, for the following rant. It just had to happen.
I’m feeling trapped. Trapped in my apartment, trapped in my body, trapped in my relationship, trapped in this city, trapped by this heat, trapped in this life. I need an escape. But what?
Perhaps I need to drive. Just drive. But I hate the thought of driving right now. And the inevitable weekend traffic on the highways. There is no escaping this.
I told my partner that I wished I could have the apartment all to myself right now. That I need space. That having someone around right now is causing me to get into a panic mode. She offered to go into her room/office. Great, thanks. That’ll solve it. I shouldn’t blame her for not wanting to leave the apartment though. It’s a gazillion degrees outside. So… I’m trapped.
We are supposed to go visit our friends’ new baby in an hour. I want to stay home. But I also want to meet the baby. One week old. What do I do?
I don’t want to be around anyone right now. Everyone please just leave me alone. (Not all of you of course. I’m referring to offline people.) I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want to be left alone.
Can you tell I’m in a foul mood?
Perhaps I should try taking a cold shower. My therapist recommends this for times when I’m really anxious. Okay, after my cigarette. Ugh.
Tomorrow is my birthday. Woop de fucking doo. I celebrated with my family last night. Triggered me big time. Again, trapped. Trapped in a family that drives me up the wall with no escape.
Does anyone wish there were an easy way out? An easy fix to make all the big hard heavy stuff just go away? An off button to the chaos? I do. Yes, I really am complaining aren’t I.