I just thought I would share how things are going generally in my life. Often I get caught up in a specific thought I want to share, or a specific experience, or a particular difficulty. But I want to talk to you all as I would a friend – since I see many of you as friends! – and ramble about what things are going on in my day-to-day life.
I feel I am getting back to “myself” more and more these days. My experience last year with therapist S really sucked me up into a huge nonfunctioning trauma vortex that has taken me now almost a year to climb out of. I’m too lazy to insert a link, but I wrote about it somewhere back lol.
I feel like I’m starting to get my sense of humor back. I’m starting to appreciate the humorous side of things, even when it isn’t so obvious. I’ve been much more goofy with my partner lately; I realize how being goofy is a big part of my personality, and something that I had lost with my traumatic therapy relationship with that woman who shouldn’t even call herself a therapist.
Enough about her! Out of sight, out of mind. And definitely out of my life!
Even though I’ve been smoking, and there’s been some feelings of guilt and judgment surrounding that, overall I’ve been able to be fairly kind to myself about the whole thing.
I’ve been hiking a lot more, and my back has been feeling much better. Before I couldn’t hike cause it would make the back pain worse, but now that it seems I’m over the hump in my healing, I think the hiking is actually helping my back. Yippee!
I am much less dissociated than I was even a few months ago. The dust is definitely starting to settle. The relationships that I have now in my life are stable, including with my therapist Bean. I am finally beginning to feel comfortable with her, and the trust is beginning to build. This and other stable relationships are helping me to become stable once again. I’m realizing the importance of this. Because if there was a word to describe my state this past year, it would be: volatile. And in order to calm the fluctuation between the triggered extremes, I needed the relationships in my life to be stable ones. It has helped tremendously to find my center, find the calmness that I know can exist inside – although this is challenged on a regular basis! – and get back to a solid foundation.
The one thing that’s quite frustrating at the moment is the situation with my psych meds. Having no psych insurance, I need to go through low-cost psych clinics in order to get my medication. I tried about a month ago to go to the Downtown Mental Health county clinic, but they sent me away, saying they only see “chronically mentally ill” patients. Apparently I was too “functional” to be helped. I went back to the clinic who had referred me there, and was then accused of lying when I explained what had happened at the downtown clinic. The woman was extremely nasty and openly hostile. She told me I was lying, and she had never heard of anyone being turned away from that clinic before. I told her that I was, and what did she expect me to do. Luckily two other women who worked there came to my defense – they had both apparently worked for the county and knew how unhelpful they could be – and they finally agreed to fill my prescription. For the last time. Now I’m left to my own devices to find a clinic that will help me. Joy!