Tag Archives: life

Rambling updates and life musings

I just thought I would share how things are going generally in my life. Often I get caught up in a specific thought I want to share, or a specific experience, or a particular difficulty. But I want to talk to you all as I would a friend – since I see many of you as friends! – and ramble about what things are going on in my day-to-day life.

I feel I am getting back to “myself” more and more these days. My experience last year with therapist S really sucked me up into a huge nonfunctioning trauma vortex that has taken me now almost a year to climb out of. I’m too lazy to insert a link, but I wrote about it somewhere back lol.

I feel like I’m starting to get my sense of humor back. I’m starting to appreciate the humorous side of things, even when it isn’t so obvious. I’ve been much more goofy with my partner lately; I realize how being goofy is a big part of my personality, and something that I had lost with my traumatic therapy relationship with that woman who shouldn’t even call herself a therapist.

Enough about her! Out of sight, out of mind. And definitely out of my life!

Even though I’ve been smoking, and there’s been some feelings of guilt and judgment surrounding that, overall I’ve been able to be fairly kind to myself about the whole thing.

I’ve been hiking a lot more, and my back has been feeling much better. Before I couldn’t hike cause it would make the back pain worse, but now that it seems I’m over the hump in my healing, I think the hiking is actually helping my back. Yippee!

I am much less dissociated than I was even a few months ago. The dust is definitely starting to settle. The relationships that I have now in my life are stable, including with my therapist Bean. I am finally beginning to feel comfortable with her, and the trust is beginning to build. This and other stable relationships are helping me to become stable once again. I’m realizing the importance of this. Because if there was a word to describe my state this past year, it would be: volatile. And in order to calm the fluctuation between the triggered extremes, I needed the relationships in my life to be stable ones. It has helped tremendously to find my center, find the calmness that I know can exist inside – although this is challenged on a regular basis! – and get back to a solid foundation.

The one thing that’s quite frustrating at the moment is the situation with my psych meds. Having no psych insurance, I need to go through low-cost psych clinics in order to get my medication. I tried about a month ago to go to the Downtown Mental Health county clinic, but they sent me away, saying they only see “chronically mentally ill” patients. Apparently I was too “functional” to be helped. I went back to the clinic who had referred me there, and was then accused of lying when I explained what had happened at the downtown clinic. The woman was extremely nasty and openly hostile. She told me I was lying, and she had never heard of anyone being turned away from that clinic before. I told her that I was, and what did she expect me to do. Luckily two other women who worked there came to my defense – they had both apparently worked for the county and knew how unhelpful they could be – and they finally agreed to fill my prescription. For the last time. Now I’m left to my own devices to find a clinic that will help me. Joy!

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Slow Down, Merry-Go-Round

I’ve had a very difficult and stressful last few weeks, but I am beginning to feel things slowing down. It was almost like my life was a merry-go-round that was spinning way too fast and out of control. Every part of me was stressed out, numbed out, or triggered in some way or another. I actually think this out-of-control-merry-go-round feeling has been going on for some time now. And it feels good to finally feel like things are moving at a slower pace, that things don’t feel so big and so heavy and so overwhelming. I feel more centered and more grounded. I feel like I can finally breathe.

These last few months has kicked up a lot of emotional dust, especially with difficult stuff that happened with a friend, as well as dealing with the aftermath of my partners friend’s suicide. But the dust is now beginning to settle, like snow in a snow globe when you shake it and then set it down, and I’m beginning to see things more clearly.

Of course, the denial of the DID has kicked in big time. Even despite the events of last week (finding out about the real “RAGE”). I’m beginning to think it was all just made-up/imaginary. I also haven’t felt R/Asher’s presence at all, and that is freaking me out a bit. The other night I asked where she was, and this thought came, “I am still here.” But it wasn’t her voice. It sounded like my own voice. Perhaps it’s how she sounds when she’s calm, I don’t know. I told her how much I love and appreciate her. How much I value her in my life. Her response to that was, “okay.” Sometimes I do think, am I just making all this up? Sigh. I have to stop with the non-stop analysis. It’s hard though. How do you stop critiquing it all.

I appreciate all the followers of this blog who have stuck it out with me these last few weeks. I’m sure my posts have been disjointed and all over the place. Thank you for hanging in there and continuing to read. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it!!

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On life and love

I want to be able to feel the full extent of love. I wonder… What is it like to really feel love. And have I felt this before? I know I’ve felt gratitude for people in my life. Like my amazing UK friend and my partner. This gratitude comes in waves and is gone just as quickly. Are gratitude and love the same thing? I wonder.

Because so many of my feelings are dissociated – the anger, the rage, the sadness, the fear – I think good feelings are dissociated too. Including love. Which isn’t to say I don’t feel love at all. I do. Just in a very limited way. Or at least that’s how it feels.

Most of the time, when I think about people I know I love – friends, partner, family members, I feel nothing. I think of them, and can rationally understand what they mean to me, but as far as feelings go, I don’t actually feel anything most of the time. No warmth. No affection. No love. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not some cold, unfeeling bitch. It’s as though these feelings are stored in a place I don’t have access to. And when they do come, they come unexpectedly and out of the blue, only to be gone moments later.

I’m curious what other people’s experience of love is. Is it a constant feeling that they have toward someone? Is it the equivalent of gratitude? Or is it different. Does it come and go unexpectantly in the way it does for me? Do other people feel as though their ability to love is limited as I do? I would love to hear other people’s thoughts on love, however different or similar their experience might be to mine.

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Light peeking through

It has been very dark for me these last few days. But it is finally starting to lighten, and the sun is peeking its little head through. I have an awful migraine (probably from all the crying I’ve been doing), but emotionally I am starting to feel clearer. I’m also very relieved that a sticky situation with a friend has worked itself out. It comes as a great relief and lightens the load greatly.

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