Tag Archives: loneliness

Long summer nights

I’m feeling particularly lonely tonight. And it’s not just tonight. It’s been a string that’s been tugging on me these last few days.

To give you readers an update, my partner and I are working things out. And that all feels really good. But then there’s just this nagging loneliness.

I’ve always felt very alone in this world. And it seems no matter how many social things I do, it doesn’t really seem to affect my overall level of loneliness. I think the thing that feels most lacking is having close friends. And I don’t mean this as a slight to my good friends. It’s just, I suppose I long for closeness with other people. Besides my partner I mean. And the ways I feel closest to people is in person and on the phone. Not texting. And what sucks is, my closest friends like texting to be the primary mode of communication. And this perhaps adds to the feelings of loneliness. Because how can you feel close to someone when you are typing words on a screen? I suppose some do. In fact, I know they must, otherwise they would seek out other means of connection. But for me it just leaves me feeling lonely.

Perhaps it’s related to the aspergers. Because I do have aspergers. And people who have aspergers tend to feel like perpetual outsiders in their lives. That pretty much fits me to a T. I prefer one-on-one to group things any day, although don’t get me wrong I enjoy group things. And I guess I feel as though I hardly see my friends on a one-on-one basis. People are busy. They have their own lives, I totally get it. But I feel like I’m stuck in this ongoing wheel of loneliness that I can’t get off of.

Some people are very content being alone and spending time alone. I’m quite the opposite. And yet I feel like I spend so much of my time – when I’m not with my partner, alone.

I don’t know how to make it better or remedy it. I’m not very good at making friends, since there are few people who I truly feel comfortable with.
And the friends I have are the kind of people who seem to cherish their time alone, for the most part. Except for my one friend who has aspergers who lives in another state. He helps me to feel less alone…

That’s all for tonight. I apologize if this is a woe-is-me post. I’m just feeling lonely and longing for connection. And I realize that sometimes even when I long for it, I don’t necessarily get to have it. That’s life I suppose.

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Revelations and reflections

Feeling quite introspective tonight. Had therapy earlier. I always have a hard time sleeping after therapy. I feel like I just have too much on my mind to go to sleep.

I’m having some revelations about my past. About my traumas, about my family, about my life… Realizing that perhaps my parents aren’t to blame in quite the same way I thought they were. Nothing is really that simple is it.

I was so naive. I was so young. I didn’t realize the things that were being done to me. I didn’t know they were bad, that they weren’t okay. All I knew is that something was wrong. And no one else seemed to notice. I have to stop blaming everyone else. Did people abuse me and take advantage of me? Yes. Are my parents completely to blame? Perhaps partly. But they didn’t know. They weren’t the ones abusing me. They knew I was having a hard time. They didn’t know why.

What do I do with all this? I want to climb a mountain and scream. Scream what? I don’t even know. But something.

All I’ve wanted my whole life is to be understood. I’ve never felt that anyone did understand me. Or at least not in the way I wanted to be understood… Perhaps I’m starting to feel this even just the smallest bit with my therapist. That perhaps someone finally understands. Or at least wants to understand. Is willing to hear my side of the story. To listen. Because that’s what’s truly important isn’t it? For someone to hear your side of the story? To not judge you. To not make assumptions. To still care about you despite all the shit you’ve told them about yourself?

I wish it were raining right now. That would fit just about right with how I’m feeling. Rain holds so many important symbols for me. And yet I live somewhere where it hardly ever rains. Go figure…

I’ve always made everything about everyone else. Why have I done that? When the reality is that it was never about anyone else. Ever. What do I do with that information?

God I wish it was raining. And I wish I had more wine. That would work out well just about now. I also wish I could put the world on hold for a little while while I try to process all of this.

Nobody is to blame.

My life is my life, no one else’s. And my life is sacred. I just wish someone could look into my mind once in a while. Then perhaps they could really understand. Because without being you, how can anyone ever really understand?

I’m feeling alone I suppose. But not in the catastrophic way that it usually is when I feel alone. This feels… quieter somehow. But also more tragic.

I long for so many things. So many that I know I don’t even know them all. I long for peace. I long for understanding. I long for restfulness, something I’m not sure I’ve ever truly experienced.

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Lonely Wednesday

Today I am feeling overcome with loneliness. I’m also having paranoid thinking that everyone who normally reads my blog (with the exception of one or two) has drifted off with the wind. That I have lost them somehow. This is probably not the case, but it’s something I am so fearful of happening that sometimes the fear bleeds over and threatens to make itself seem like a reality. Perhaps my regular commenters are just taking a little respite from reading?

Why does this idea scare me so. To lose my readers. I don’t know. And yet the idea absolutely terrifies me. Almost as though this is the only thing I have left, and if I lose this, I lose everything. Why should it matter though is what I’m wondering. Perhaps it’s days like today where I’m feeling particularly alone and vulnerable is when I feel I need my close-knit little support group near, cheering me on. And even saying this sends huge waves of guilt through me, because, how dare I want anything from anyone. How totally and completely selfish of me.

Ugh. So yeah. My mind today is presenting me with all sorts of fun challenges as you can see.

I think I’m having a day where I’m just feeling a huge sense of loss for all the people I have lost in the last few years, and it feels like quite a few. Several of those being people I could, at one time, call my closest friends. How is it that one’s closest friends can just up and leave. Fade. Vanish. Walk away and never look back. I don’t understand.

The pain in my heart of these losses is enormous. It makes me want to cling to the small handful of people I have left. And then I wonder how confident I can be that these people won’t slowly drift away either. Because that’s what people seem to do isn’t it.

Don’t mind me, my mind is just having one of its very sad and heavy days.

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pic-a-day wednesday

Pic for Wednesday:

Lonely shadows
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The One

As a lay here in my exhaustion, trying to keep the loneliness at bay, the desire for “the one” plays strongly upon my mind like a pianist tapping the ivory keys of a piano. Who is the one, you might ask? The one who comes and fills me up with contentment. The one who puts me above all else. The one who loves me unconditionally. The one who understands me inside and out. The one who hurts when I hurt. The one who cries when I cry. The one who revels in my happiness.

Is this “one” a partner? Friend? God? I don’t know. But I know I’ve always wished for them. I always wished for someone in my life whose love was undying; who thought the world of me; who understood me even when I couldn’t understand myself.

The problem is that I’ve looked for “the one” in others. I’ve expected my partners to understand me inside and out. I’ve hoped that my close friends would want to know every facet of me: the dark, the light, all of it. And for a huge chunk of my life, I believed that “God” was this entity that would and could fulfill me in every possible way.

I’ve come to realize that there is no “one” who will ever know me inside and out. Whose love will transcend all other loves. Who will complete me and fulfill me and heal me. For that, sadly and truly, I am completely on my own. The people in my life can love me, in their limited ways, and care about me, with the best intentions, and understand me, with their limited understanding, and support me, as long as they have the time and energy. There is no “one” who will ever make me feel totally and completely whole. Fully and completely loved. Wholly and unconditionally accepted. Unfortunately I have to find a way to do that for myself. And I’m a long way from that place my friends.

And as for God… Well, I don’t mean to offend any of you, but I no longer see God as a tangible thing in my life. I think God is an idea, a fantasy perhaps. A way to make sense of things that simply just don’t make sense. Something to hold onto so that that we can carry on in our lives with hope and with purpose. But since I stopped believing 100% in the idea that a god actually does exist, my life hasn’t changed all that much. Only perhaps that I question things more. But I see questioning things as a good thing. In my opinion.

So where does that leave me. That leaves me with no “one” who understands my every last thought, feeling, will, and desire. That leaves me empty. And this realization then leads to another realization: I have always been empty. I have always been lonely. I have always been alone. Even around others. Alone. Even with friends. Alone. Even with my partner. Alone. I must walk though this life alone. And if I find some willing travelers who may share the path with which I walk: great. But I don’t expect for them, through thick or through thin, to always be walking along beside me. I’ve learned that “always” doesn’t exist. There are no assurances. The only assurance is that you’ll go through life with yourself. And if you get lucky, perhaps a couple fellow travelers may linger by your side. But your path is ultimately yours and yours alone to travel. What a sad and lonely truth.

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Empty, broken, humming

She walks the streets that do not speak

Empty bottles, broken hubcaps, humming street lamps

All look away

She longs

Longs for something from another world

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The building blocks of my despair

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Things build on top of other things. It’s hard to pinpoint the exact root cause of my despair. Maybe it’s the body memories that have been eating away at me. Maybe it’s because I was unable to get an appointment at the free mental health clinic, and my meds are running low. Not having health insurance sucks. (Can someone say “understatement”?) Perhaps it’s because my partner is working long hours this week and that leaves me home alone, contemplating. Maybe it’s because I’m just feeling, quite simply, overcome with loneliness.

Whatever it is, I don’t like the thoughts that are trying to make their way into my mind. Thoughts of lost hope. Thoughts that it won’t get better. Thoughts of giving up.

When we are this down, how do we bring ourselves out of it? I just wish I knew. The world just seems so dark right now.

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