Tag Archives: overwhelm

I am okay

Or at least I have to keep telling myself that. Sometimes it feels like the walls are pressing in and I am trapped in my own body. Sometimes I wish I could just escape. Escape this overwhelm. I tried reading this book that my therapist gave me and I had to stop reading. It wasn’t because the content was overwhelming, it was because my brain wasn’t able to process it properly and I started feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel like my brain doesn’t work properly. And then I get overwhelmed and I can’t seem to get myself out of that feeling. I know I must go easy on myself, and intellectually I know I should, but sometimes I don’t know what to do to help myself feel better. The overwhelm seems to overtake me and I become its victim. I wanted to get a lot done today, but perhaps I need to let that go. Maybe I should just watch tv and try to distract myself from it. I don’t know. Everything just feels overwhelming at the moment.

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Breathing and letting the dust settle, once again

Certain things have caused me, in the past, to get into a chronically triggered/panicky state. At the time I didn’t realize that this particular thing in my life was causing all the emotional turbulence that it was. When I realized what was happening, I changed the situation so that I could try and get myself back on solid ground.

For a while, the dust began settling, and things felt emotionally stable. Or at least I was getting there. I was staying strong and was refusing to let this thing that had a hold over me in the past infiltrate my life and mind. I have let myself become weak and have made my mind susceptible to this thing that was so destabilizing before. And I only have myself to blame.

Certain habits are so engrained, they are hard to break. Even habits that we know make us worse and unstable. And in my case, make me overcome with dissociation and feelings of panic. I have to put my foot down and say no more. I will not do this thing anymore that ultimately makes me feel bad about myself and turns my emotional world upside down.

Why are we lured into the web of the spider, even when we know we are walking right into a trap?

I must offer kindness and strength and forgiveness to myself for falling into old patterns, and for allowing my mind to become weakened. I will go forward with a renewed strength and intention of my betterment and healing, and forgive myself for putting myself in harms way; forgive myself for walking right back into the spider’s web.

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Plastic and Rage

I am a plastic shell filled with rage. You look at me and the rage is hidden, buried deep down underneath my plastic exterior. My plastic shell looks calm, collected, even happy perhaps. Little do you know the war of rage that is taking place beneath this hardened plastic surface.

Plastic and rage. Did you know that’s all I’m made of?

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Distract distract distract

Right now, my inner experience is so overwhelming that I truly just can’t handle it anymore. I am doing everything in my power to distract and avoid. Frantically searching the internet for something I can cling to, yet nothing sticks. I keep running. Today is one of those rare days that I actually am hoping the child I care for wakes up from his nap sooner than later so that I’ll have a distraction. I’ve already done everything I can do – I cleaned their kitchen, I folded the child’s laundry. Now I just wait for him to wake up. And the wait is excruciating. I cannot be with myself right now. I cannot be left with my own mind.

Must look outward. Must seek outward. Must find distraction. Must distract distract distract. Anything to take mind off the inside. Anything and everything. My mind is too volatile right now. My mind is too overwhelming right now. Must run, run as fast as I can from my own mind.

Let’s see how far I can run from myself, shall we?

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