Tag Archives: panic

Stealing my soul, swallowing me whole

Pain, again, is swallowing me whole

Being sucked under

I am drowning

Nowhere is safe

No one is safe

Nothing is safe

Even my body is betraying me

The fear, the panic

All consuming

Eating away at my very core

Screaming from the inside


Unable to escape

Yet how does one

Escape one’s own body

Need to numb, nothing to numb

I am left

All alone

With this gripping fear

With this panic that steals my peace

With with pain that steals my soul



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Night rambling, trip updates

Every time I lie down to try and go to sleep, panic overtakes me, so I thought I would write as a way to distract myself.

I’ve been having a lovely vacation. My partner has returned home and several of my good friends have joined me up in the northern part of the state where I am. We have one more full day and then we make the return drive home on Sunday. It went by too quickly!

Today I swam in the chilly waters of the Pacific. My whole body pretty much went numb at some point, but I didn’t mind. I love the ocean! Tomorrow we are driving down the coast a ways to go hiking. I’m looking forward to it, although I have to say I’m not feeling well – feel like I’m coming down with a cold, my back has been acting up, and on top of that my body doesn’t seem to want me to sleep for some reason. Sigh.

We’ve been eating well up here! My favorite restaurant that we’ve been to was this little place that is like an English cottage. They serve these scones that I could eat by the bucketful if I could. Wow. And the omelet? One of the best I’ve ever had.

My pup loves being able to be in so much nature, and run free off lease, far away from the cars and the big mean city dogs lol. (She has an aversion to big, aggressive dogs. Who doesn’t!)

Well my eyelids are growing heavy, and my anxiety seems to have subsided. For now. Fingers crossed it’ll stay that way.

Sending smiles to you all from my very beautiful coastal vacation spot. 🙂

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Pain washes over me like waves. When each wave of pain recedes, bubbling rage is there to greet me. Pain, rage, pain, rage, pain, rage.

I had my appointment with Bean today. For the most part, I sat hiding behind my balled-up sweatshirt, having been triggered into a very fearful state upon hearing the sound of a car crash just outside the window of Bean’s office. I can hardly remember what we talked about, which is unusual for right after the session. Usually it takes a good day or two for it to leak out of my conscious memory – like most everything else. I must’ve been very dissociated.

The pain and the rage are trying to drown me. And as if that weren’t enough, interspersed with these other feelings is a nagging feeling of panic.

I’m also getting waves of chills taking over my body, and I’m not even cold. When that happens, it’s a sure way for me to know something is really wrong.

If only I knew what it was…


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Breathing and letting the dust settle, once again

Certain things have caused me, in the past, to get into a chronically triggered/panicky state. At the time I didn’t realize that this particular thing in my life was causing all the emotional turbulence that it was. When I realized what was happening, I changed the situation so that I could try and get myself back on solid ground.

For a while, the dust began settling, and things felt emotionally stable. Or at least I was getting there. I was staying strong and was refusing to let this thing that had a hold over me in the past infiltrate my life and mind. I have let myself become weak and have made my mind susceptible to this thing that was so destabilizing before. And I only have myself to blame.

Certain habits are so engrained, they are hard to break. Even habits that we know make us worse and unstable. And in my case, make me overcome with dissociation and feelings of panic. I have to put my foot down and say no more. I will not do this thing anymore that ultimately makes me feel bad about myself and turns my emotional world upside down.

Why are we lured into the web of the spider, even when we know we are walking right into a trap?

I must offer kindness and strength and forgiveness to myself for falling into old patterns, and for allowing my mind to become weakened. I will go forward with a renewed strength and intention of my betterment and healing, and forgive myself for putting myself in harms way; forgive myself for walking right back into the spider’s web.



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Let me dig myself a grave

Let me dig myself a grave to lay my body in
Once my body’s quiet I pray restfulness begins
For I can’t take my mind no more; this panic and this stress
Instead I’ll lay my body down and give this mind a rest

A rest from what, I’m not quite sure, but pressure’s rising fast
A tidal wave heads toward my shore, from which I cannot last
The wave will catch me in its might and wrestle me about
Under water I’ll be flung and there’ll be no way out

Instead I’ll dig myself a grave, a peaceful place to lie
Buried, hidden from the world and free from passers by
This grave where I’ll lay myself down will be a welcome cave
Protecting and embracing me while my mind melts away.

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Panic / Pain / Hurt

Over the last few days I’ve had panic hitting me like a freight train. It’s woken me up and kept me up all night. It’s prevented me from being able to do much of anything. Even at my job, I find myself starting to panic and unable to breathe. I don’t think my panic has ever been quite this bad. I know this panic relates to this situation I’ve been dealing with over the last several days, it’s just frustrating how very little control I have over it. No amount of self-soothing or grounding exercises seems to be able to calm my frazzled nervous system.

The amount of pain that I am experiencing, on both a physical and psychological level, is overwhelming. My whole body hurts. I wish I could just shut the pain off but I can’t. It’s like the ocean’s waves, no matter how broken and torn you might feel, they don’t stop for anything. They keep pounding away, rain or shine, day or night, pounding on the sandy banks. I can’t stop this onslaught of pain no matter what I do. No matter how much I try to distract myself, or no matter what amount of kindness or love I give to myself. The pain remains, ever punching, ever probing, ever laughing. Pain please, please take it easy on me. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

I realize I’m going through a mourning process. I never knew how painful losing someone could be. I’ve lost people before, but it has never been quite like this. My friend one day just turned on me. That’s how it felt. Unexpectedly and out of the blue. Maybe it wasn’t unexpected or out of the blue for her. Maybe she’d been thinking about this for a long time. Perhaps a resentment had been growing inside her, one that she tried pushing down, until eventually it came out in a very powerful way. I really don’t know. And perhaps I will never know. This person is out of my life for good. I know that. And that stark reality is so very painful.

I just wish I had been given a chance to make things right. If I wasn’t a good friend, if I took too much, as she says, if I expected too much from her, or more than she was able to give, I wish I could have known that and had a chance to work on it. I would have done anything to be a better friend. The fact that I demanded too much, that I put too much onto this person, well, it weighs very heavily on me.

A part of me understands that this is not about me, and as I said in my last post, that I shouldn’t be heaping unnecessary amounts of shame and blame on myself. But saying it and doing it are two different things. It’s hard not to think I could have done things differently, that I could have been a better friend. It’s just horribly sad that I wasn’t given that chance.

Since I have been trying, however hard, to focus on what I do have in my life that I appreciate, and on the little things that make me happy, I thought I would list the things in my life that I am grateful for at the moment:

– my partner
– my therapist
– my stuffed animals
– my television shows
– the child I care for
– pillows
– music
– my dog and cats
– my friend L
– beauty of nature
– the warmth and protection of blankets

I must cling to all of these things right now to help me push through this very difficult time. I just wish they could help sooth my very heavy and hurting heart. I guess the only thing that will help with that is time. Oh how I wish time would speed up already.


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Maybe the one I’m kidding is me


This is my fourth attempt to write a blog post and this time I am determined not to delete it and start all over.

My mind has been all over the place tonight. But in the last hour it feels as if a train has run over my brain. Like, flattened it to a pulp. And yet somehow it didn’t die. Somehow the neurons and dendrites are still firing off signals. Telling my brain, for example, to start screaming inside my head. Telling my brain, for example, to jump in terror when a little mutt barks at me as I walk past. Telling my brain, for example, to send the impulses that make me want to start stabbing myself repeatedly with a pencil.

Am I disturbed? Yes. Is that especially apparent to me tonight? Yes. I want to do something horribly violent and drastic and it’s taking every ounce of will to not actually go through with it.

Sometimes I think they should ship me off to some other world where people aren’t right in the head. Oh right, that already exists. An insane asylum. Let them lock me up behind padded walls never to speak to another soul again. Please. Please. Take me away. Lock me up. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t maintain a hold on myself anymore. Who am I kidding anyway? How is it that I can pull off this ridiculous act of being okay.

Note to world: I’M NOT OKAY. I’VE NEVER BEEN OKAY. I’M NEVER GOING TO BE OKAY. Stop expecting shit from me. Stop asking what’s wrong when I look upset. MY WHOLE LIFE IS WRONG. WHY CAN’T ANYBODY SEE THAT. WHY DO PEOPLE LOOK AT ME AND THINK I’M OKAY?

I’m done. I’m done with this world. Who am I kidding anyway. Who am I kidding when I think I’m okay.

Maybe just myself. Maybe the only one I’m kidding is myself.

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