Tag Archives: protection

Unsmiling me

Today, I am unsmiling. Today, I see the world for what it is: unpredictable. There are few assurances in life, friendship being one of them. I build a cocoon around myself as a shield, and I will sleep for a very long time. No one will be able to enter this protective space. No one will be able to see inside. There I will be safe. There I will be protected – from the harshness of this unpredictable world. I am no longer smiling me. I am no longer trusting me. I am no longer warm and generous me. Those me’s are being kept deep down inside the protective space. You won’t be seeing those me’s for quite some time. Now, I am unsmiling me.

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Protection

I must protect me, for no one else will. I must protect me, the children inside. I must protect me, lost and all alone. I must protect me. I must protect me.

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Fragile

Today I’m feeling particularly fragile. I had a misunderstanding with my partner this morning. Well, more like I misinterpreted something she said. That resulted in me spending an hour under the covers immersed in sadness and depression followed by about two hours of me crying to her in bed. I also burst into tears later on when I thought she wasn’t understanding something I was trying to tell her.

The last hour or so I’ve been overwhelmed by anxiety. I had run some errands with my partner, but it got to the point where I had to hide myself away in the car while she did the remainder of the shopping. I can’t face the world right now. I can’t face the world anymore today. The very little amount I’ve given it has drained me completely. Now I must protect what little fragment of strength I have left and curl inside myself.

Fragile.

I’m feeling especially fragile because I don’t know where things are headed with Bean, and I still feel hurt by her defensiveness last session. I’m feeling especially fragile because I am overwhelmed and confused by parts of me, especially R. I am feeling especially fragile because when I think of Bean, there is no sense of connection. She is no better than a stranger to me at the moment.

I wish I had a hardened shell/suit that I could secure over my body, like a thick suit of body armour. Or like batman’s suit. I need something like that to protect me from the batterings of the world. I don’t feel strong enough to face them today. Not without some extra protection.

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