Tag Archives: relationships

A lonely existence / life changes

Okay, so I haven’t written a blog post in a while where I’ve shared what’s going on with me. As you can see from my postings as of late, I’ve been struggling a lot.

Over the last few months, and actually more like over the past year, I’ve been really questioning whether the partnership I’m in is making me happy. And I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not happy. And not just that I’m not happy, but that the relationship doesn’t fulfill me on a deeper level. This realization has come with much sadness and grief, since I love my partner, we have shared the last seven years of our life together, and, as a friend put it, she is a part of me.

However, there were certain aspects of the relationship that were deeply unsatisfying. And I had to ask myself if these things were things that could be worked through and changed, or whether they couldn’t. Over the last seven years, one thing I’ve learned is that however much I may want my partner to change, there are certain aspects about her, and the way she is in our relationship – and more broadly in her life – that are simply not compatible with me and my needs.

One of the hardest things about our relationship was that it didn’t feel like a relationship. Let me explain… Her and I spent much time together, as you would expect of any couple. But there was a way in which our lives remained very separate. Even after living together for over four years, we still pay all our bills separately. We don’t walk our dogs together. We don’t go clothes shopping together. We don’t buy groceries together. We each do our own separate laundry (her decision, not mine). And however much I tried getting her to merge our lives together more, she simply didn’t see anything wrong with the way things were. She didn’t want to go on ski trips with my friends, or on vacations with my family. She said she’d prefer doing those things only with me. But all these things has caused me to feel very isolated in my own life. Even though I’ve had a partner these last seven years, I’ve also spent much time alone, and have felt very alone. Because my partner would rarely want to join me, I started spending less time with my friends, and less time with my family. My parents live in the same city as me, and yet I see them on an average of probably once every two months. Of course one can say, well you can always go and see them yourself. And trust me, for the most part, I do. But I hate always having to choose between spending an evening with them, or with my partner. Because it was hardly ever both.

My partner loves to hike, so as long as I was hiking, things were great. Okay maybe not great, but at least better. We were part of the same hiking group, so us going on group hikes together helped fulfill my need for a social network outside of our relationship that we could be a part of. But then I was in a car accident, and suffered severe whiplash, and suddenly that social network was gone since I couldn’t hike anymore. And the truth is, even though I enjoy the other people in the hiking group, I really need to be spending quality time with the people that are most important to me in my life: my friends and family. With my partner. And that just never happened. In fact, it seemed to get less and less over the years. I’ve come to realize that I can’t continue living in this isolated existence any longer.

The last week has been extremely difficult, because I’ve been trying to convey much of this to my partner. And to try and get her to see the crux of the issue which is, I simply just can’t do it anymore.

She asked me if I would at least be willing to go to therapy together, even if for no other reason than to help us through the transition of breaking up. She told me she needed this. I told her that I would.

But it’s really tough in the meantime. I’ve been spending most of my days in tears. And feeling very alone. And not being able to sleep in the same bed as her. And sadness. And a sense of loss. Also, lots of anxiety.

I don’t know exactly how we’re gonna navigate through this – well, how I’m gonna navigate through this, but I have to keep telling myself that I will get through this, and that I will be okay. And to remind myself that this part is the hardest, and the most painful, and once we’ve officially parted ways, I can then start to process all of it and heal the hurt that I’m feeling. Until then, I’ll just keep writing.

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When

When her hugs no longer comfort me.

When her words are empty boxes with nothing but air inside.

When the hurt outweighs the love.

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Back and writing again

Hello to all my new readers and old ones. I know there’s a couple stragglers that still are reading from before. That brings me a sense of solace (Kadeen and Feral especially).

It’s funny how I only tend to write when things are really hard. When things are going well it’s like I have nothing to say. Of perhaps it’s because I’m out there enjoying my life and not focusing on the stuff going on inside my head.

However, when things are hard, I can’t help but turn inside. To reflect and introspect. I suppose that’s normal and healthy. Normal and healthy… Whoever thought I’d be saying that!

There are two things weighing very heavily on me at the moment. One is the situation I’m in with my partner. Things are really tough at the moment. The other is the fact that one of my closest friends most likely has cancer. That’s what prompted the untitled poem I wrote a couple posts ago.

I have a partner who loves me so much. Unconditionally in fact. But I’ve come to realization these past six months that I wasn’t happy in the relationship. I’ve since expressed my unhappiness to my partner, and the reasons for it. And want to hear something spectacular? She listened, and understood, and recognized the ways that she utterly failed me in our relationship (her words not mine), and says she’s willing to do whatever it takes to change and to work on all of it. Spectacular to my mind. Not to my heart. My heart has grown hardened over the last seven years we’ve been together. And you’d think I would welcome her desire and enthusiasm to change as a relief, or a gift. But my hardened heart isn’t sure what to feel; it is hardened after all.

All the hurts and the disappointments over the years seem to have buried any enthusiasm I feel in the relationship. I’m not sure if it’s possible to excavate that enthusiasm. I’d like to think that it’s possible, but I’m just not certain.

We are seeing a couples therapist for the first time tomorrow. For the first time this time around that is. We saw one a number of years back. I don’t have huge hopes or expectations. If I hope or desire anything, it’s to heal the mountain of hurt that sits on my heart. That perhaps if that happens, I’ll want to move forward and have my heart 100% in this relationship. Because right now it’s not. And my partner can tell. And it makes me feel like I’m only partly alive.

I’m sure I will heal from the wounds inflicted in my past, but the biggest question is, do I want to do it with her. Or perhaps let this one go and move forward with my life. There are ways I feel this relationship is holding me back. But perhaps it’s me that’s holding myself back, I don’t know.

What I do know is that each and every day is such a struggle right now. I have relinquished the desire to take care of my partner, for the time being. She can take care of herself during this time. But it’s also a struggle taking care of myself. I started smoking again. I’ve been drinking more than I should. I haven’t been getting adequate sleep… So yeah self care is a struggle. I’m trying not to be too hard on myself about it though. After all, these are my coping mechanisms.

To focus on the positive side of things, I’m happily surprised that I’m doing as well as I am considering the circumstances. I feel stronger I think than I’ve ever felt before. If this upheaval had occurred a couple years ago, or even just one year ago, who knows what sort of shape I’d be in. Perhaps all this is surfacing because I am ready and able to handle it. I’d like to think so anyways…

As for my friend… The doctors found four tumors in various parts of her body. One on each kidney, one on her liver, and one embedded in a muscle in her upper back. The chances of them being benign is about 10%. Not high but I’ll take it. She is having a biopsy done toward the end of the month, so I’ll know more then. But for now, perhaps those of you who believe in positive thoughts can send some good vibes her way. Let’s call her K. She could use all the good thoughts and vibes she can get.

I’ll leave you with that. To my faithful readers who have stuck with me and are still reading, thank you. During times like this you feel like a lifeline.

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Real love

I like to use the expression real love versus true love. I think true love connotes “one and only true love” or soul mate. I don’t believe that there is just one person out there who you are destined to be with. I do, however, believe in real love – that you can find a partner who compliments you, affirms you, supports you, wants only the best for you, and gives you their entire heart. I feel so very fortunate that I have found, in my life, real love in the form of my beautiful partner.

The love that I receive from this amazing person holds me up. It nourishes me and heals me. It gives me encouragement to keep going and a soft place in which I can always find comfort. It provides me the assurance that I can succeed with her by my side.

As some as you may know from reading my previous posts, last night we celebrated our five year anniversary. Five years. My longest relationship by far. And for the first time I think ever, I can be rest assured knowing that this person will never leave my side. I’ve never had that sense of security in any relationship, not even close. And it feels better than I could have possibly imagined.

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The love of a partner

Tonight I am in awe of the love I receive from my partner. It grounds me. It stabilizes me. It strengthens me. It heals me.

To think that someone could love me so much, can see only my strengths, who wants only the best for me, who loves me with everything she has and with everything that she is. I am in awe. And I am tremendously lucky.

What would I do without her? She is the love of my life. She loves me through thick and thin. She supports me. She is there when no one else is. She is my best friend. I am very, very blessed.

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My worst selves versus my best selves

A difficult situation recently caused me to stop and really look at the ways I show up in relationships. In doing so, I came to some conclusions about myself that I would like to share, specifically about my worst selves versus my best selves. Not selves in a dissociative sense, but just in a human nature sense. We all have different selves we present to the world, myself included.

Here are some examples of some of my worst selves:

– my insecure self
– my clingy self
– my anxious self
– my angry self
– my resentful self
– my manipulative self
– my passive aggressive self

I think some of these selves showed up in my past friendship that ended. It seems that that was one of the biggest reasons it ended. My inability to maintain balance within myself in the relationship. I think the first four were selves that showed up in the friendship and that ultimately pushed this person away. I think the final three were selves that presented themselves when the relationship was abruptly ended (and understandably so). None of these selves are helpful, nor are they healthy if they take a prominent place in relationships. I have to be willing to admit the things that I did wrong in the friendship. I cannot act blameless, since people don’t end friendships out of the blue. Sure, a part of it was her own issues I’m sure. How big a part I don’t know. Only she can answer that question. But I can take responsibility for my role in the friendship going down in flames and a big part of it, I believe, is that I was letting these worse selves of mine take a prominent role. I was clingy and insecure in the friendship; not a good combination. I was so scared of losing her that I clung. And I think what tends to happen when we are overcome by fear of losing a person is that we actually end up losing them.

Here are some examples of my best selves:

– my funny self
– my silly self
– my introspective self
– my caring self
– my empathetic self
– my listening self
– my giving self
– my strong self
– my confident self

I think many of my best selves did show up in the relationship too. I can’t overlook that. But the last two, my strong self and my confident self, which are often present in many (if not most) of my other relationships, seemed to be lacking in this one for whatever reason. Self-doubt and insecurity often took their place.

The tragedy, for me, was the way in which this friendship ended. I apologize to you who are diligently reading this blog, because I must sound like a broken record. But to write this stuff down and get it out of me has proven to be therapeutic, so please forgive the redundancy. When I say the way it ended, I mean the total and utter cutting off of contact, the refusal to listen and hear my hurt, the lashing out, the angry and hostile words, the accusations, the assumptions… I think I would have been much more willing to hear and be open to what this person had to say had they approached me in a kinder manner. But nothing about the way she ended it was kind. Nothing at all.

I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I keep turning my head toward the sun and try to hear what it has to tell me. I try to be kind and gentle with myself, since I’m the one who needs to give that to myself the most. If nothing else, this situation has caused me to bind tightly together with myself, first in defense of myself (when it felt I was being verbally attacked), and now in support of myself. I need lots of support right now, and who better than to give it to me than myself.

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Loss

As many of you have read, I have endured a tremendous loss recently of a friend. It was one of the most painful losses I have suffered, not so much because I have lost this person (which would be painful in itself), but how it happened. I have been trying to focus on myself these last several days, and I’ve really been trying to do things that make me happy. I went for a hike with my hiking group yesterday, for example. Then I came home and took a bath. These things made me quite happy. I also went to see a movie with a friend last night in the theaters. It’s been a while since I’ve seen a movie in the theaters, and it was nice having that sense of escape.

However, I very much still think about the person who was a huge part of my life these last six months or so. A whole mix of feelings have been going through me. Pain, sadness, confusion, anger, frustration, and helplessness to name a few. It is hard enough losing someone. But to have the rug of your friendship pulled out completely from underneath you, especially when you least expect it, well… that was the hardest part I think. Actually I take that back. That was hard. But then what transpired after that was even more painful. The angry words. The accusations. The meanness. It’s been really hard not retaliating. Holding my tongue. Taking a step back and telling myself that it’s not worth it. The friendship is over, so what would be the point of jabbing back. Of trying to defend myself and refuting everything this person is saying about me. There really is no point, and it would only make matters worse. It would only fuel the fire. That’s the last thing I want. I want to put out the fire, so that I can heal. I have to let her go. But it’s not easy.

My anxiety has calmed down quite a bit since I took a break from coming online and blogging, etc. I think that the internet, particularly places this friend visits, felt unsafe and was keeping me in this panicked state. I needed to pull back and let my body calm down and recover. By continuing to post and read her posts, I was keeping myself triggered and not letting myself get to another place with all of it. I was staying in the trauma of the dysfunctional relationship. Because I see now our relationship was dysfunctional.

Which isn’t to say that we couldn’t have fixed it, or at least tried to fix it. I think what was happening at the end was that the both of us were feeling like we had to be there for the other person 24/7, in case that other person needed them. It was a very co-dependent way of operating, and it wasn’t helpful (or health-ful) to either of us. What neither of us realized, I think, was that we were both feeling that way. That we were both feeling worn down. That we both were feeling overwhelmed by the friendship. That we were both feeling sucked dry. And yet this person, rather than deciding to verbalize how they were feeling, and ask for some space (or whatever it was that they needed), instead decided to end the friendship very hastily. And when I tried expressing my feelings of hurt about that, I was lashed out against and being accused of ignoring her feelings as well as playing the role of the “victim.”

I have had people verbally attack me in the past, and end friendships suddenly like this, but I have to say it has been many many years since something like this has happened. I have really made an effort to cultivate healthy and positive relationships, ones where people want to and are able to articulate the difficulties they are having with me, or with the friendship, so we can attempt to work them out. This obviously didn’t happen here.

I may not be posting as much, at least for the next little while, and I hope you can all understand why. I am needing to really focus on myself at the moment, and trying to heal the hurt from this loss, and it’s not going to happen overnight. I apologize for being a bit out of touch lately. Especially to those people who I usually follow and comment on your blogs. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s just I need time to focus on myself right now. That is my priority at the moment.

 

 

I would like to share with all of you a flower that I found recently on a walk. It was just sitting there on the sidewalk. It had fallen from a bush overhead. These flowers were growing wild, if you can believe it. I just thought it was so beautiful, I just had to pick it up and take it home. This is something I’ve been trying to do lately: focus on the little things that I think are beautiful and that make me happy. Hope you can all appreciate this flower as much as I do.

 

 

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