Tag Archives: self-loathing

Good friends, cancer, and self loathing

Sometimes self hatred rears its head so high, it’s hard to see anything else. It’s like, I know these thoughts and feelings aren’t who I am. They aren’t me at my essence. I know they are lies, just simply grooves from a worn-down record – a matter of habit, not truly me.

And yet even with that knowledge I still am being pulled into the clutches of self hatred with such force that it’s hard to fight it. It’s hard to resist, even knowing its falsehood.

Sometimes reality – in the way that the world presents reality to me – comes completely into question. Am I a likable person? Am I a loathsome person with the false belief that I am lovable? Am I a lovable person with the false belief that I am loathsome? I just don’t know…

Several people in my life at the moment have cancer. Three friends (one of whom I consider my best friend, even though she lives a distance away), as well as my partner’s mom. I’ve never even known anyone w cancer until maybe a year ago. Then all of a sudden, wham. All these people I know have cancer.

I spoke to one of these friends tonight. I called and she answered. And I’m feeling such a sense of self hatred as a result of our conversation. I wish I hadn’t called. I wish I could redo the conversation. I feel like I said all the wrong things. I feel like I was being too preachy. I feel like I was being to sappy. I feel like I was being too “bright-eyed and bushy-tailed”. So much so that I feel disgusted with myself when I even think about it. Why the hell would I do that? Flood someone with fake optimism who is undergoing cancer treatments? Was it stemming from my fear of being too dark? Too much of a pessimist? Or perhaps too much of a realist even?

What the hell is the the right thing to say to someone who has cancer… who is undergoing chemo… who might die? I don’t have a clue. And that makes me hate myself. You may think perhaps I’m being a bit hard on myself, but to me it doesn’t matter. I should do better. I should know better. Not to slap some fake sugar-coated frosting on top of my true feelings of fear and helplessness. And yet I do it anyway. In the moment, for some convoluted reason, I think that they need me to be strong and encouraging. Do they really? What if they just need to be heard and really seen in that moment? Meanwhile I’m blabbering on about how strong and resilient they are. Resilient. Really? Have I ever even used that word in a normal conversation? And is that something they are even wanting to hear?

I guess this all comes down to me being scared, and not having any idea how to handle all these friends suddenly getting cancer at the same time. Not knowing how to feel about it, not knowing what to say to them, not knowing the best way to handle the situation.

Perhaps I should let this all percolate a while before judging myself so harshly. Cancer sucks.

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Rage Day

Have you not heard? Today is National Rage Day. Just kidding. This is my pitiful attempt at humor.

Today has been the following:

  • Rage Day
  • Extreme Self-Loathing Day
  • Wanting-to-punch-a-wall Day
  • My Life Is Fucked Day
  • I’m A Pathetic Loser Day
  • What Is Wrong With Me Day
  • I Hate Myself Day
  • What’s The Point Day
  • I Have Nothing To Complain About Day
  • Why Aren’t I Dead Yet Day
  • Lovely, eh? Yeah, my thoughts exactly. Ugh.

    I want to scream and the screams are all trapped inside. I don’t know how much longer I can live like this.

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    The beast of self loathing

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    I am face to face with the beast of self loathing. It is much bigger than I. Much fiercer. More determined to win this fight. Perhaps I should just lay down and surrender. Sometimes I wish I could just give up in this fight of life.

    Sorry for the dark post. My head is quite dark at the moment.

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    Dirty me

    I’m in one of those frantic states where I’m desperately seeking distraction and fulfillment from the outside, but I’m frustrated and hating myself on the inside. I don’t think this is coming from a dissociated part of me. This is just me. I am hating everything about myself right now, and no matter what I seem to do or how hard I cling to outer securities, these feelings remain.

    The truth is I am worthless. I try to lie to myself and tell myself I’m not, that I have a lot to offer people, that my presence makes a difference in the world. What a total load of shit.

    People see the me that I present to them. The nice me. The generous me. The caring me. The gentle me. Well, I am not nice or generous or caring or gentle. I am awful. I am harsh. I am mean. I have sharp edges. I don’t deserve happiness or kindness or friendship or care. I am worthless and I deserve nothing.

    This is not an attempt to get praise or to have my statements challenged. I want you all to SEE the real me. To SEE that I am not person you think I am. To SEE that everything you see is a lie. If people think I am kind, that I am supportive, that I am reliable, that I am wonderful, then they will be sorely disappointed. I let everyone down. Even myself. I am not worth anything. I don’t deserve anything. Even to be held in positive regard. Because if someone holds me in positive regard it is based on a lie.

    I hate this vile thing that is me. I wish you would shrivel up and die, you worthless piece of shit. No one cares about you and no one ever will. You are nothing. You are worse than nothing. You are shit. Pure shit. Stop going and stinking up everyone else’s life. You make me sick. You are worthless and disgusting and every time you forget I will be here to remind you. You are no better than the dirt on the bottom of your shoe. People do deserve to see this, because it’s the truth. Go find someplace to die.

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    Hating self

    I am hating self right now. I am being flooded with feelings of disgust and repulsion and anger toward myself. This was prompted by allowing a friend to see a little bit more of me, by putting myself out there, by allowing myself to be open and exposed and vulnerable. And my mind is punishing me for it.

    These are some of the thoughts and negative self-talk that are going through my head:

    -If this friend sees the real “me” she will become repulsed and leave. After all who would want to be friends with me.

    -I am disgusting and I need to keep my mouth shut. No one wants to hear it.

    -I spew only filth and everyone in my path who hears me (knows me) is susceptible.

    -I have to exercise more self-control. I made a fool out of myself and that is unacceptable.

    -I deserve to be punished for the way I behaved (**a note here: the way I “behaved” was simply me letting myself be silly and by letting someone else see me be silly).

    I realize these are all irrational thoughts and yet they are still ruling my mind at the moment.

    Really mind? Can you not let me be happy for a single second? Can you not let me enjoy life and laugh and be myself and reveal myself to others without slamming your fist down on me? I am not as disgusting as you think I am. I am not as pathetic as you think I am. Despite what you may think (and tell me over and over), I have a right to have friends, I have a right to let those friends get to know me, and I have a right to laugh and be happy and enjoy myself. I refuse to let you ruin this. I refuse to let you ruin my happiness or my friendships just because you are scared and assume everyone will leave. Everyone will not leave. Partner hasn’t left after all these years. She has proven I’m worthwhile and not disgusting. (Said) friend hasn’t left yet in all these months. Why would she leave now. Am I not allowed a little silliness, a little fun, a little happiness? Must you always come in, ruin the party, torment me..

    I know you want me to run, mind. To push everyone away. To crawl up into a hole and keep the world out. Reject them before they reject me. I’m not going to do that. I deserve friendship. I deserve love. I deserve acceptance.

    I deserve to be seen. And heard.

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