Tag Archives: sleep

This is what ‘triggered’ looks like

Partner comes home. I am still awake, not being able to sleep while she was out. In fact, rarely can I sleep when she is not here. (I can rarely sleep with her here, but that’s another story.) I had walked the dog, fed the animals, cleaned the cat’s wound (don’t ask)… When she sees me sitting in the living room, surprise and disappointment register on her face.

She says, “What are you doing up? You shouldn’t still be awake.

I don’t answer. She doesn’t expect one and walks into the back of the apartment. I follow her.

You didn’t put the fan in the window to cool the bedroom off.” Her annoyance and irritation are palpable. I didn’t realize she had wanted me to do that.

Sorry,” I reply. “You need to tell me these things. I didn’t know. And anyways, it’s nice and cool in here now.”

Ok good,” she says, but her tone betrays her words. As I’m attending to the animals, she calls out in frustration.

Someone threw up on the rug. Ugh. Over here. And… over here!

I remain silent. I hadn’t seen it. I hadn’t even been in the bedroom since I had come home. But somehow I felt like it was my fault. I should have gotten the bedroom ready for her. Wait. No. That’s not my job. My job isn’t to caretake her.

She comes into the kitchen.

You seem mad…” I say. I was about to say, “at me” but she answers before I can finish.

It’s just… I was expecting to come home and just roll into bed. But I can’t. There are all these… obstacles.”

Am I an obstacle?

But you seem frustrated with me,” I manage to say, despite the pain that arises within me.

No… It’s not you. I’m just tired. I just really need to get to sleep at a decent time.” I wonder how she expects to do that when she’s out late at a concert on a weeknight, but I remain silent.

She sees my face change – this is where the trigger has just occurred – and her tone changes to an apologetic one.

I’m sorry babe. I’m just tired. It’s not you, I’m just annoyed at the situation. I thought I’d be able to come home and get right in bed. I’m sorry. It’s not you, I promise.

I say “okay” and leave the room. But the damage has already been done.

As she’s about to climb into bed, I go into the bedroom to say my obligatory “good-nights.” She notices that something’s wrong, and keeps asking me if I’m sure I’m not upset. I tell her that I’m not, and not to worry.

Get some sleep,” I tell her, and leave the room.

What I don’t tell her is how I had been waiting all night for her to come home. How I had planned on going straight to bed as soon as she did. That the real reason I wasn’t asleep yet is because she had been out and it’s hard for me to get myself to sleep without her there.

I didn’t tell her that all I had wanted was for her to act just the slightest bit happy to see me. To show genuine appreciation for the things I had done tonight so that she could enjoy her night out. For my presence, upon her arrival home, to bring her just the smallest amount of joy.

Instead I was unwanted.

What I didn’t tell her is that my heart feels like it’s being ripped out of my chest, even though I know I’m overreacting. That my stomach feels twisted up into knots, even through my brain is telling me that her responses had nothing to do with me. She even told me as much.

What I didn’t tell her was that I feel utterly unwanted. And not just unwanted; a failure. I failed to make her arrival home as easy for her as possible. And above all, the feeling that I am a disappointment. That despite all my efforts, people will still be disappointed. What I do is never enough. I can never be good enough.

***

A lot of self criticism there, huh? Yeah, I know. And I know that these feelings stem from past hurts, not current ones, and actually have little to do with my partner. But knowing these things and feeling them are two different things entirely.

So tonight, as my partner sleeps, I sit triggered and knotted up inside and braced against the world, wishing I could just crawl into a hole somewhere and stay there forever.

This… is what triggered looks like.

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I Will Lay Down My Lashes

Tonight when it comes
And I lay down my lashes
The sleep will come gently
The fire turning to ashes
I will slip away gently
To the great world of my mind
I will build mountains so high
And flowery fields so fine
And then when I will awake
No more sorrow to be
The sun will come gently
The day will call to me
The mountains, the fields,
The gentleness, the calm
I will take into my day
And let the sorrow move along
And when night comes around
To summon me once more
I will lay down my lashes
I will knock at its door

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Sleepy Hollow

I am the queen of sleep. At least I have been this weekend. I’ve quite literally been on a sleep-a-thon, sleeping the last twenty-seven out of the last forty-eight hours. It’s like, no matter how much sleep my body gets, it needs more. And I’m not even depressed. Although I am going through some emotional things, and perhaps that is contributing to my insane amount of hours of sleep. Also, during the week, I hardly slept at all, so I’m sure I had some major catching up to do.

I don’t feel quite ready to talk about the emotional stuff that I’ve been dealing with, but I will write about it when I feel able. For now, during the hours I am awake, I’ve been trying to focus on outward things, like taking care of bills, and getting my laundry done. And it feels good to finally be able to focus on that stuff. I haven’t really been able to for a while it seems, and I’m happy to finally be getting stuff accomplished.

On a random note, I’m going to a baby shower this afternoon with my partner, and that reminds me of how much I want a baby of my own. When my partner and I were looking at photos someone posted online of a party we were at recently, and one of the pictures revealed one of my partners friends holding his baby, I said, “Aww, I want a baby…” My partner gave me this strange look, a What-you-talking-bout-willis! sorta look, and said, “You do…!?” Trying to let that roll off my shoulders, I responded, “yes, and I’ve told you that before baby!” She responded by saying, “and how soon exactly do you want this baby?” I said, “Well I’ll tell you, not very soon…”

She said what she normally says when I bring up the subject. How much work babies are. How I won’t be able to sleep in on weekends anymore. How we can’t do whatever we want, whenever we want like we can now. I told her I know, to all of the above, but that I still want one. She smiled and said, “oookay…” I’ve dealt with this sort of reaction long enough to not let it get to me though. I know she’s never had a desire to have children. We used to fight about this a lot in the beginning, until I stopped trying to push the issue. And now she’s come around to the idea, and has told me she will support me fully if that’s what I decide, and that she’s sure that once the baby is here, she will no doubt love it and want it dearly. And I have no doubt about this. I just look at how much she loves and adores our dog, and she threw several adult-size fits when I was trying to convince her to keep the dog. So I know she’ll change her tune once a baby becomes a reality. It’s just that I’m not close to being ready. I’ve got a lot more work I need to do on myself first. But that gives me even more motivation to work through as many of my psychological/emotional issues as I can in the next few years so that I can be the best mother that I can.

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What’s going on

What is going on. This is the second morning in a row where I’m woken up (way too early might I add) completely flooded by anger and rage. I have no idea why. I have no idea where it’s coming from. All I know is that I’m so angry I feel like killing someone.

I saw my dad last night. Well both parents actually, but I focus on my dad because of the anger and hatred that pushed up when he tried hugging me. Ggg.

Does this rage relate to my dad? I know he would always try to be more physical than I liked (he never understood why I never wanted to hug him – I suppose neither do I), but honestly is this cause for such anger and rage?

I am so tired of having these overwhelming feelings and having no idea where they come from and what they are attributed to. It’s more than frustrating. I just want a day that’s free from all this shit and emotional turmoil. One day free from all this, that would be nice.

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A miracle

I want to share with you a miracle that happened this morning. When I woke up this morning, I felt calm. That’s it. That’s the miracle. And it was an amazing and wonderful feeling.

Every morning, pretty much without fail, when the alarm goes off the screaming in my head starts, and I am flooded with terror. The thought of getting out of bed is not only overwhelming, it is unbearable. I wrap myself up even tighter in my covers and delay the inevitable for as long as possible. Finally, when I can’t afford to stay in bed one more minute, I painfully peel the covers back and thrust my body out of the bed despite the shrieks and protests in my mind. The entire morning is spent trying to reassure myself that I’m okay, that I am safe. My partner can hardly say a word to me in the mornings because it usually results in me shrieking, running and hiding, or both.

But not this morning. This morning, when the alarm went off, my mind was quiet. Things actually felt okay. I felt like I was actually able to breathe normally. My heart was beating at its regular speed. I was calm. I was calm.

Every week when I see my therapist, she asks me if my mornings have gotten any better. Every week I tell her, no still hard. I always wondered why she asked, because I didn’t see it changing in the foreseeable future. This has been going on for… well… at least a year.

But it did. It finally changed. I don’t know if this was a one time deal, or a longer lasting change. I don’t know, but I’ll take it. I was actually able to have an adult conversation with my partner this morning, and that is rare if not nonexistent.

So I am feeling a bit up this morning. A celebration of sorts.

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