I feel I’ve come to a major crossroads in my life. Should I stay or should I go. Such a cliché, isn’t it? And yet I wish it were a simple thing.
Here I am, having built a life with someone, having given my all to someone, and having someone who loves me wholly and unconditionally. Sounds picture perfect, right? The sad reality is though that I’m not happy. And there’s a part of me that has never been happy in the relationship. And there’s a way that I haven’t gotten certain essential needs met in the relationship.
I’m not one to give up on things; especially someone’s heart. But when it’s been my heart that’s been hurting, what do you do? I think the biggest question is this: is there a way that I can stay in the relationship and be happy? And get my essential needs met? Okay that’s two questions really but I hope you will let that one slide.
She’s told me she’d willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy. She’s said that my happiness is the most important, whether it be with her or with someone else. It’s hard to walk away from that isn’t it? So we have our first therapy session tomorrow.
Things are quite muddy and complicated at the moment. As you can probably ascertain from my prior writings. I’ve felt the highest highs and the lowest lows during these last fees weeks than perhaps I’ve ever felt. But you wanna hear something I’m kinda proud of myself for? That despite all the turmoil and shit and complicated-ness (because I know that’s a word) that’s reared its dear little head as a result of these trying times, I’m holding my shit together. I’m not having a full-on breakdown. I’m not spending weekends in a psych ward or even nights in the emergency room for fear of wanting to off myself. Apologies for the morbidity, that’s how I roll. I don’t even have a therapist to obsessively call or text or email at the moment. (Note to self: find a therapist.) Somehow, by some crazy turn of luck, or perhaps as a result of tons of hard-ass work, I’m able to hold myself reasonably together through all this. I actually feel like a semi-normal person. Wait, did someone say normal? Okay perhaps not normal, cause normal I will never be, but functional. My head has remained securely on top of my shoulders instead of the dumps somewhere. That’s something to be proud of, right?
So back to the issue at hand. What do I do? Well I have a feeling I’m not going to be able to answer that question tonight. And actually, I can sit back and wait until our therapy session tomorrow, and remind myself that things will get figured out, whatever those things might be. I’ve always been one to want immediate answers, especially from myself. I hate feeling in limbo. But sometimes, limbo is there and you just have to deal with it.
I know one thing is for certain. I can’t continue my relationship the way it’s been. And I honestly can’t see it going forward at all, at least in a way that is truly rewarding and satisfying and honoring of me and my fundamental needs. But I can’t run away and say that it’s impossible for things to change, that my partner isn’t capable of the things I’m needing, without at least exhausting all outlets and possibilities. Without at least airing it all out in therapy.