I am hating self right now. I am being flooded with feelings of disgust and repulsion and anger toward myself. This was prompted by allowing a friend to see a little bit more of me, by putting myself out there, by allowing myself to be open and exposed and vulnerable. And my mind is punishing me for it.
These are some of the thoughts and negative self-talk that are going through my head:
-If this friend sees the real “me” she will become repulsed and leave. After all who would want to be friends with me.
-I am disgusting and I need to keep my mouth shut. No one wants to hear it.
-I spew only filth and everyone in my path who hears me (knows me) is susceptible.
-I have to exercise more self-control. I made a fool out of myself and that is unacceptable.
-I deserve to be punished for the way I behaved (**a note here: the way I “behaved” was simply me letting myself be silly and by letting someone else see me be silly).
I realize these are all irrational thoughts and yet they are still ruling my mind at the moment.
Really mind? Can you not let me be happy for a single second? Can you not let me enjoy life and laugh and be myself and reveal myself to others without slamming your fist down on me? I am not as disgusting as you think I am. I am not as pathetic as you think I am. Despite what you may think (and tell me over and over), I have a right to have friends, I have a right to let those friends get to know me, and I have a right to laugh and be happy and enjoy myself. I refuse to let you ruin this. I refuse to let you ruin my happiness or my friendships just because you are scared and assume everyone will leave. Everyone will not leave. Partner hasn’t left after all these years. She has proven I’m worthwhile and not disgusting. (Said) friend hasn’t left yet in all these months. Why would she leave now. Am I not allowed a little silliness, a little fun, a little happiness? Must you always come in, ruin the party, torment me..
I know you want me to run, mind. To push everyone away. To crawl up into a hole and keep the world out. Reject them before they reject me. I’m not going to do that. I deserve friendship. I deserve love. I deserve acceptance.
I deserve to be seen. And heard.