Tag Archives: vulnerability

Hating self

I am hating self right now. I am being flooded with feelings of disgust and repulsion and anger toward myself. This was prompted by allowing a friend to see a little bit more of me, by putting myself out there, by allowing myself to be open and exposed and vulnerable. And my mind is punishing me for it.

These are some of the thoughts and negative self-talk that are going through my head:

-If this friend sees the real “me” she will become repulsed and leave. After all who would want to be friends with me.

-I am disgusting and I need to keep my mouth shut. No one wants to hear it.

-I spew only filth and everyone in my path who hears me (knows me) is susceptible.

-I have to exercise more self-control. I made a fool out of myself and that is unacceptable.

-I deserve to be punished for the way I behaved (**a note here: the way I “behaved” was simply me letting myself be silly and by letting someone else see me be silly).

I realize these are all irrational thoughts and yet they are still ruling my mind at the moment.

Really mind? Can you not let me be happy for a single second? Can you not let me enjoy life and laugh and be myself and reveal myself to others without slamming your fist down on me? I am not as disgusting as you think I am. I am not as pathetic as you think I am. Despite what you may think (and tell me over and over), I have a right to have friends, I have a right to let those friends get to know me, and I have a right to laugh and be happy and enjoy myself. I refuse to let you ruin this. I refuse to let you ruin my happiness or my friendships just because you are scared and assume everyone will leave. Everyone will not leave. Partner hasn’t left after all these years. She has proven I’m worthwhile and not disgusting. (Said) friend hasn’t left yet in all these months. Why would she leave now. Am I not allowed a little silliness, a little fun, a little happiness? Must you always come in, ruin the party, torment me..

I know you want me to run, mind. To push everyone away. To crawl up into a hole and keep the world out. Reject them before they reject me. I’m not going to do that. I deserve friendship. I deserve love. I deserve acceptance.

I deserve to be seen. And heard.

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At the edge

I feel as though I’m standing at the edge of something. A big something. Before me is a great drop. I have clung on to this edge for so long but now I’m feeling like I’m starting to lose my grip. That I’m not even sure I want to keep hanging on.

I’m not talking about wanting to end my life – please don’t worry. I’m not talking about it in the literal sense.

It’s just, nothing feels certain at this time. I just took my car to be checked, for example, and was told there may be something wrong with the transmission. Even the vehicle I use to transport myself around this city is not necessarily safe right now. And it may end up costing me thousands of dollars to fix it.

My therapist wants me to go on psych meds. I’m open to that – after all I’ve been really struggling this past year since I’ve been off of them. However, not having any health insurance makes this proposition very tricky. Psych meds can cost upwards of several hundred dollars a month, something that I can’t afford. I’m trying to find out about ways to see a psychiatrist and get psych meds through the county for cheaper, but it’s not going to be easy.

I have doctors and hospital bills hanging over my head, totaling at about four thousand dollars from my trip to the emergency room about a month back. I haven’t even begun to figure out how I’m going to pay for that.

And to top everything off, things are very precarious with my therapist right now. We’ve had some email exchange since our last session, after which I felt quite discouraged, and the exchange has only led to more frustration and feelings of being misunderstood. I’m starting to question whether this one is the right one after all.

So this is a venting post, it turns out. I apologize for those who were hoping for something else…

I am sitting in the parking lot in my car. I’m an hour early to my appointment with my therapist. I wanted to allow enough time to arrive and let my mind settle. Driving over here, after being told the news about my car, I was on the verge of crying numerous times. But it was almost as though the feeling of wanting to cry was its own entity, its own creature, that was moving around inside me. Coming and going. Pushing to the front of my body and then receding to the back. Getting stronger and then fading. I had no control over it.

I must leave you here, because I really don’t have anything else to say at this time, and sadness and melancholy seem to be taking a front seat. I just wonder how much longer I can keep this up, keep holding myself together, keep being strong and independent and reliable. I feel as though I’m starting to break. Can a human mind break in the same way a body can break? In the same way a cars transmission can break?

I suppose only time will tell. If you have any advice for how to hold a mind together, some sort of mental super-glue if you will, I would love to hear it.

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Take Care of My Heart

Take care of my heart, for it is quite fragile
Take care of my heart, for it is crying
Take care of my heart, for it is bleeding

My heart, it has never been protected
My heart, it has been thrown around like a plaything

It needs time to grow
It needs time to feel
It needs time to heal.

Will you give me that time?

My heart, it needs a little cage to protect it
Won’t you help me build that little cage?
It doesn’t have to be very big

Oh how my heart has struggled
Oh how my heart has cried
Oh how my heart has bled

Will you take care of my heart?
Will you help keep it from harm?
Will you be gentle with it?

It needs protection.
It needs love.
It needs gentleness.
And above all, it needs care.

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