Down the tunnel of darkness I descend
No flashlight or torch lights the way
I am falling down an endless spiral pit of helplessness.
No one cares to hear my cries
I give up.
I give up.
I give up.
Death take me away.
I give up.
Down the tunnel of darkness I descend
I’ve been very sick these last few days, and this has kept my mind on not much other than my physical pain and discomfort. Today I’m starting to feel a little better. But as the physical discomfort subsides, a deep emotional pain has begun to surface. Specifically, a heavy sense of loneliness. It’s beginning to hit me that my partner and I are breaking up. That I don’t have that solid, constant source of love and support anymore. I know it was my decision, but somehow that knowledge isn’t providing comfort today. The only thing that prevails is the loneliness. I guess this is just one of those things that I have to just accept. And wade through. And sit in. And allow to envelop me. I have to remind myself things will get better. The loneliness won’t stay forever. Just a passing visitor. That I have good things on the horizon. I suppose it’s just hard to see those things right now.
Lots of big changes. I broke up with my partner a couple of nights ago. Although it’s been difficult, it also feels like I am getting to start a new chapter of my life. Rather than just living each day as it comes, I’m starting to get that excitement back about the future and what it can hold. I didn’t even realize that had gotten tucked away in the folds of my mind!
Had a lovely evening with a friend, just talking and sharing. How awesome is it when you can spend the evening with someone you feel totally comfortable with and someone you can talk openly and honestly with? So thanks friend.
Thinking about my future: my life, my future career, school, therapy, everything really. And rather than feeling burdensome it feels wondrous and exciting.
That’s all I have to share for now. I’m sure you readers will get to follow the ups and downs of life with me. But for now I’m feeling pretty up!
I look furiously
Past the edges of nothingness
Under the shattered dreams
That lie in a heap on my mind
I find nothing.
Shadows move across my eyes
They multiply making me blind
To myself, my heart it sinks
Deeper into the abyss of the unknown
All that I have known
Is lost on waves carried far from shore
I ignore the haunting screams
That punctuate my dreams
And leave me evermore susceptible
To their grasping fingertips
My lips, they crack and crumble
My feet they stumble on these shards
Of broken glass
As I pass on my way to new beginnings
A heavy heart, weighed down
By mountains of loss
Where do I find my place among
The chaos of this disrepair
Where solitude and peace remain
Longing for the tide to come and
Sweep me away
But the sands in my heart remain dry
Having been abandoned by the sea
My place is not here, but where
A drifter in the wind, with nowhere to go
Who am I to say
Who am I to know
Who am I to stay and abandon myself
To the prison bars of apathy
Okay, so I haven’t written a blog post in a while where I’ve shared what’s going on with me. As you can see from my postings as of late, I’ve been struggling a lot.
Over the last few months, and actually more like over the past year, I’ve been really questioning whether the partnership I’m in is making me happy. And I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not happy. And not just that I’m not happy, but that the relationship doesn’t fulfill me on a deeper level. This realization has come with much sadness and grief, since I love my partner, we have shared the last seven years of our life together, and, as a friend put it, she is a part of me.
However, there were certain aspects of the relationship that were deeply unsatisfying. And I had to ask myself if these things were things that could be worked through and changed, or whether they couldn’t. Over the last seven years, one thing I’ve learned is that however much I may want my partner to change, there are certain aspects about her, and the way she is in our relationship – and more broadly in her life – that are simply not compatible with me and my needs.
One of the hardest things about our relationship was that it didn’t feel like a relationship. Let me explain… Her and I spent much time together, as you would expect of any couple. But there was a way in which our lives remained very separate. Even after living together for over four years, we still pay all our bills separately. We don’t walk our dogs together. We don’t go clothes shopping together. We don’t buy groceries together. We each do our own separate laundry (her decision, not mine). And however much I tried getting her to merge our lives together more, she simply didn’t see anything wrong with the way things were. She didn’t want to go on ski trips with my friends, or on vacations with my family. She said she’d prefer doing those things only with me. But all these things has caused me to feel very isolated in my own life. Even though I’ve had a partner these last seven years, I’ve also spent much time alone, and have felt very alone. Because my partner would rarely want to join me, I started spending less time with my friends, and less time with my family. My parents live in the same city as me, and yet I see them on an average of probably once every two months. Of course one can say, well you can always go and see them yourself. And trust me, for the most part, I do. But I hate always having to choose between spending an evening with them, or with my partner. Because it was hardly ever both.
My partner loves to hike, so as long as I was hiking, things were great. Okay maybe not great, but at least better. We were part of the same hiking group, so us going on group hikes together helped fulfill my need for a social network outside of our relationship that we could be a part of. But then I was in a car accident, and suffered severe whiplash, and suddenly that social network was gone since I couldn’t hike anymore. And the truth is, even though I enjoy the other people in the hiking group, I really need to be spending quality time with the people that are most important to me in my life: my friends and family. With my partner. And that just never happened. In fact, it seemed to get less and less over the years. I’ve come to realize that I can’t continue living in this isolated existence any longer.
The last week has been extremely difficult, because I’ve been trying to convey much of this to my partner. And to try and get her to see the crux of the issue which is, I simply just can’t do it anymore.
She asked me if I would at least be willing to go to therapy together, even if for no other reason than to help us through the transition of breaking up. She told me she needed this. I told her that I would.
But it’s really tough in the meantime. I’ve been spending most of my days in tears. And feeling very alone. And not being able to sleep in the same bed as her. And sadness. And a sense of loss. Also, lots of anxiety.
I don’t know exactly how we’re gonna navigate through this – well, how I’m gonna navigate through this, but I have to keep telling myself that I will get through this, and that I will be okay. And to remind myself that this part is the hardest, and the most painful, and once we’ve officially parted ways, I can then start to process all of it and heal the hurt that I’m feeling. Until then, I’ll just keep writing.