To find myself

I look furiously
Past the edges of nothingness
Under the shattered dreams
That lie in a heap on my mind

I find nothing.

New beginnings

Shadows move across my eyes
They multiply making me blind
To myself, my heart it sinks
Deeper into the abyss of the unknown
All that I have known
Is lost on waves carried far from shore
I ignore the haunting screams
That punctuate my dreams
And leave me evermore susceptible
To their grasping fingertips
My lips, they crack and crumble
My feet they stumble on these shards
Of broken glass
As I pass on my way to new beginnings

The myth that is my heart

A heavy heart, weighed down
By mountains of loss
Where do I find my place among
The chaos of this disrepair
Where solitude and peace remain
Ever elusive
Longing for the tide to come and
Sweep me away
But the sands in my heart remain dry
Having been abandoned by the sea
Centuries ago
I know
My place is not here, but where
Belonging nowhere
A drifter in the wind, with nowhere to go
A metaphor
A myth
A lie?
Who am I to say
Who am I to know
Who am I to stay and abandon myself
To the prison bars of apathy

A lonely existence / life changes

Okay, so I haven’t written a blog post in a while where I’ve shared what’s going on with me. As you can see from my postings as of late, I’ve been struggling a lot.

Over the last few months, and actually more like over the past year, I’ve been really questioning whether the partnership I’m in is making me happy. And I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not happy. And not just that I’m not happy, but that the relationship doesn’t fulfill me on a deeper level. This realization has come with much sadness and grief, since I love my partner, we have shared the last seven years of our life together, and, as a friend put it, she is a part of me.

However, there were certain aspects of the relationship that were deeply unsatisfying. And I had to ask myself if these things were things that could be worked through and changed, or whether they couldn’t. Over the last seven years, one thing I’ve learned is that however much I may want my partner to change, there are certain aspects about her, and the way she is in our relationship – and more broadly in her life – that are simply not compatible with me and my needs.

One of the hardest things about our relationship was that it didn’t feel like a relationship. Let me explain… Her and I spent much time together, as you would expect of any couple. But there was a way in which our lives remained very separate. Even after living together for over four years, we still pay all our bills separately. We don’t walk our dogs together. We don’t go clothes shopping together. We don’t buy groceries together. We each do our own separate laundry (her decision, not mine). And however much I tried getting her to merge our lives together more, she simply didn’t see anything wrong with the way things were. She didn’t want to go on ski trips with my friends, or on vacations with my family. She said she’d prefer doing those things only with me. But all these things has caused me to feel very isolated in my own life. Even though I’ve had a partner these last seven years, I’ve also spent much time alone, and have felt very alone. Because my partner would rarely want to join me, I started spending less time with my friends, and less time with my family. My parents live in the same city as me, and yet I see them on an average of probably once every two months. Of course one can say, well you can always go and see them yourself. And trust me, for the most part, I do. But I hate always having to choose between spending an evening with them, or with my partner. Because it was hardly ever both.

My partner loves to hike, so as long as I was hiking, things were great. Okay maybe not great, but at least better. We were part of the same hiking group, so us going on group hikes together helped fulfill my need for a social network outside of our relationship that we could be a part of. But then I was in a car accident, and suffered severe whiplash, and suddenly that social network was gone since I couldn’t hike anymore. And the truth is, even though I enjoy the other people in the hiking group, I really need to be spending quality time with the people that are most important to me in my life: my friends and family. With my partner. And that just never happened. In fact, it seemed to get less and less over the years. I’ve come to realize that I can’t continue living in this isolated existence any longer.

The last week has been extremely difficult, because I’ve been trying to convey much of this to my partner. And to try and get her to see the crux of the issue which is, I simply just can’t do it anymore.

She asked me if I would at least be willing to go to therapy together, even if for no other reason than to help us through the transition of breaking up. She told me she needed this. I told her that I would.

But it’s really tough in the meantime. I’ve been spending most of my days in tears. And feeling very alone. And not being able to sleep in the same bed as her. And sadness. And a sense of loss. Also, lots of anxiety.

I don’t know exactly how we’re gonna navigate through this – well, how I’m gonna navigate through this, but I have to keep telling myself that I will get through this, and that I will be okay. And to remind myself that this part is the hardest, and the most painful, and once we’ve officially parted ways, I can then start to process all of it and heal the hurt that I’m feeling. Until then, I’ll just keep writing.

Solid ground

Breathe. Cry. Breathe. Sigh. Sob.
My heart is cracking into a million pieces. I’m losing sight of myself. Or am I gaining myself. Is this the fire of change? Or torment. Transition? Or crucifixion. My heart, it pounds. Faster, faster, ever faster. It’s going to beat out of my chest. Will someone be there to pick it up? Longing. Pain. Sadness. Weight of a million worlds, a million tears, a thousand years of hurt, on my heart. My poor, breaking heart. My heart, who has given its all, has been deserted. It longs to be picked up, and nurtured, and held, and loved. Only I can hold my heart right now. It is so very lonely. Alone. Just me and my heart. It was breaking for so long, and it has finally broken. How will I find all its pieces so that I might put it together again. Pain, aching, breaking. So many tears. Tears of loss. Tears of not being someone’s center. Of living on the outskirts of their universe. Do you know how lonely that is? Living outside the bubble of someone’s happiness? Forever floating in the waters of uncertainty, never to be thrown a life raft. Their boat has sailed away. I must continue floating, searching, hoping for rescue. Keep swimming until I reach the shore. Any shore. I yearn to have solid ground under my feet. That is all I ask for. Solid ground.

A clock’s tears

Tears fall
Like second hands moving on a clock
Tick tock, tick tock

A constant, steady dose of pain

An IV is hooked up to me
Pain oozes into my bloodstream.

Drip, drip, drip, drip.

When

When her hugs no longer comfort me.

When her words are empty boxes with nothing but air inside.

When the hurt outweighs the love.

Unraveling

I am lost in a sea of my own mindfulness
Thoughts lap like waves against the walls of my mind
Which hold together my sanity
That has begun to unravel
Or perhaps has always been unraveling

Serenity or sanity – which do you choose?

My mental dungeon

My mind has been thrust into a dungeon of darkness and nightmares
that, for most, exists exclusively in the hidden folds of the mind and emerges only upon sleephood. My nightmares of feelings come at all hours. They strangle and constrict my psyche. They choke my joy. They bleed my inner wounds. They paralyze my forward movement. They wring my conviction dry.

Won’t someone rescue me from this dungeon? Oh wait… no one can. Not even myself.