Back and writing again

Hello to all my new readers and old ones. I know there’s a couple stragglers that still are reading from before. That brings me a sense of solace (Kadeen and Feral especially).

It’s funny how I only tend to write when things are really hard. When things are going well it’s like I have nothing to say. Of perhaps it’s because I’m out there enjoying my life and not focusing on the stuff going on inside my head.

However, when things are hard, I can’t help but turn inside. To reflect and introspect. I suppose that’s normal and healthy. Normal and healthy… Whoever thought I’d be saying that!

There are two things weighing very heavily on me at the moment. One is the situation I’m in with my partner. Things are really tough at the moment. The other is the fact that one of my closest friends most likely has cancer. That’s what prompted the untitled poem I wrote a couple posts ago.

I have a partner who loves me so much. Unconditionally in fact. But I’ve come to realization these past six months that I wasn’t happy in the relationship. I’ve since expressed my unhappiness to my partner, and the reasons for it. And want to hear something spectacular? She listened, and understood, and recognized the ways that she utterly failed me in our relationship (her words not mine), and says she’s willing to do whatever it takes to change and to work on all of it. Spectacular to my mind. Not to my heart. My heart has grown hardened over the last seven years we’ve been together. And you’d think I would welcome her desire and enthusiasm to change as a relief, or a gift. But my hardened heart isn’t sure what to feel; it is hardened after all.

All the hurts and the disappointments over the years seem to have buried any enthusiasm I feel in the relationship. I’m not sure if it’s possible to excavate that enthusiasm. I’d like to think that it’s possible, but I’m just not certain.

We are seeing a couples therapist for the first time tomorrow. For the first time this time around that is. We saw one a number of years back. I don’t have huge hopes or expectations. If I hope or desire anything, it’s to heal the mountain of hurt that sits on my heart. That perhaps if that happens, I’ll want to move forward and have my heart 100% in this relationship. Because right now it’s not. And my partner can tell. And it makes me feel like I’m only partly alive.

I’m sure I will heal from the wounds inflicted in my past, but the biggest question is, do I want to do it with her. Or perhaps let this one go and move forward with my life. There are ways I feel this relationship is holding me back. But perhaps it’s me that’s holding myself back, I don’t know.

What I do know is that each and every day is such a struggle right now. I have relinquished the desire to take care of my partner, for the time being. She can take care of herself during this time. But it’s also a struggle taking care of myself. I started smoking again. I’ve been drinking more than I should. I haven’t been getting adequate sleep… So yeah self care is a struggle. I’m trying not to be too hard on myself about it though. After all, these are my coping mechanisms.

To focus on the positive side of things, I’m happily surprised that I’m doing as well as I am considering the circumstances. I feel stronger I think than I’ve ever felt before. If this upheaval had occurred a couple years ago, or even just one year ago, who knows what sort of shape I’d be in. Perhaps all this is surfacing because I am ready and able to handle it. I’d like to think so anyways…

As for my friend… The doctors found four tumors in various parts of her body. One on each kidney, one on her liver, and one embedded in a muscle in her upper back. The chances of them being benign is about 10%. Not high but I’ll take it. She is having a biopsy done toward the end of the month, so I’ll know more then. But for now, perhaps those of you who believe in positive thoughts can send some good vibes her way. Let’s call her K. She could use all the good thoughts and vibes she can get.

I’ll leave you with that. To my faithful readers who have stuck with me and are still reading, thank you. During times like this you feel like a lifeline.

Revelations and reflections

Feeling quite introspective tonight. Had therapy earlier. I always have a hard time sleeping after therapy. I feel like I just have too much on my mind to go to sleep.

I’m having some revelations about my past. About my traumas, about my family, about my life… Realizing that perhaps my parents aren’t to blame in quite the same way I thought they were. Nothing is really that simple is it.

I was so naive. I was so young. I didn’t realize the things that were being done to me. I didn’t know they were bad, that they weren’t okay. All I knew is that something was wrong. And no one else seemed to notice. I have to stop blaming everyone else. Did people abuse me and take advantage of me? Yes. Are my parents completely to blame? Perhaps partly. But they didn’t know. They weren’t the ones abusing me. They knew I was having a hard time. They didn’t know why.

What do I do with all this? I want to climb a mountain and scream. Scream what? I don’t even know. But something.

All I’ve wanted my whole life is to be understood. I’ve never felt that anyone did understand me. Or at least not in the way I wanted to be understood… Perhaps I’m starting to feel this even just the smallest bit with my therapist. That perhaps someone finally understands. Or at least wants to understand. Is willing to hear my side of the story. To listen. Because that’s what’s truly important isn’t it? For someone to hear your side of the story? To not judge you. To not make assumptions. To still care about you despite all the shit you’ve told them about yourself?

I wish it were raining right now. That would fit just about right with how I’m feeling. Rain holds so many important symbols for me. And yet I live somewhere where it hardly ever rains. Go figure…

I’ve always made everything about everyone else. Why have I done that? When the reality is that it was never about anyone else. Ever. What do I do with that information?

God I wish it was raining. And I wish I had more wine. That would work out well just about now. I also wish I could put the world on hold for a little while while I try to process all of this.

Nobody is to blame.

My life is my life, no one else’s. And my life is sacred. I just wish someone could look into my mind once in a while. Then perhaps they could really understand. Because without being you, how can anyone ever really understand?

I’m feeling alone I suppose. But not in the catastrophic way that it usually is when I feel alone. This feels… quieter somehow. But also more tragic.

I long for so many things. So many that I know I don’t even know them all. I long for peace. I long for understanding. I long for restfulness, something I’m not sure I’ve ever truly experienced.

My worst selves versus my best selves

A difficult situation recently caused me to stop and really look at the ways I show up in relationships. In doing so, I came to some conclusions about myself that I would like to share, specifically about my worst selves versus my best selves. Not selves in a dissociative sense, but just in a human nature sense. We all have different selves we present to the world, myself included.

Here are some examples of some of my worst selves:

– my insecure self
– my clingy self
– my anxious self
– my angry self
– my resentful self
– my manipulative self
– my passive aggressive self

I think some of these selves showed up in my past friendship that ended. It seems that that was one of the biggest reasons it ended. My inability to maintain balance within myself in the relationship. I think the first four were selves that showed up in the friendship and that ultimately pushed this person away. I think the final three were selves that presented themselves when the relationship was abruptly ended (and understandably so). None of these selves are helpful, nor are they healthy if they take a prominent place in relationships. I have to be willing to admit the things that I did wrong in the friendship. I cannot act blameless, since people don’t end friendships out of the blue. Sure, a part of it was her own issues I’m sure. How big a part I don’t know. Only she can answer that question. But I can take responsibility for my role in the friendship going down in flames and a big part of it, I believe, is that I was letting these worse selves of mine take a prominent role. I was clingy and insecure in the friendship; not a good combination. I was so scared of losing her that I clung. And I think what tends to happen when we are overcome by fear of losing a person is that we actually end up losing them.

Here are some examples of my best selves:

– my funny self
– my silly self
– my introspective self
– my caring self
– my empathetic self
– my listening self
– my giving self
– my strong self
– my confident self

I think many of my best selves did show up in the relationship too. I can’t overlook that. But the last two, my strong self and my confident self, which are often present in many (if not most) of my other relationships, seemed to be lacking in this one for whatever reason. Self-doubt and insecurity often took their place.

The tragedy, for me, was the way in which this friendship ended. I apologize to you who are diligently reading this blog, because I must sound like a broken record. But to write this stuff down and get it out of me has proven to be therapeutic, so please forgive the redundancy. When I say the way it ended, I mean the total and utter cutting off of contact, the refusal to listen and hear my hurt, the lashing out, the angry and hostile words, the accusations, the assumptions… I think I would have been much more willing to hear and be open to what this person had to say had they approached me in a kinder manner. But nothing about the way she ended it was kind. Nothing at all.

I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I keep turning my head toward the sun and try to hear what it has to tell me. I try to be kind and gentle with myself, since I’m the one who needs to give that to myself the most. If nothing else, this situation has caused me to bind tightly together with myself, first in defense of myself (when it felt I was being verbally attacked), and now in support of myself. I need lots of support right now, and who better than to give it to me than myself.

The mind that never stops

My mind never stops. Never slows down. Never takes a rest. My mind is going, thinking, all the time. Questioning, wondering, pondering, theorizing. Trying to figure things out. Trying to solve the perpetual riddle of who I am and what is going on for me. I suppose this is a good thing. Until it’s not. Until I am thinking too hard, pondering too long, and my mind starts to work against me. It’s nice to take a break from thinking every once in a while. Or so I would think. Since I’ve never quite experienced this.

My mind is the mind that never stops. That never rests. Like gears in a clock, it keeps grinding away. Ticking, tocking, ever thinking, ever pondering, ever wondering, ever churning. Trying to solve the mysteries of myself, of this world, of this life.