Hello everyone. I know I’ve been a bit out of it lately, with writing and sharing and all that. These past couple weeks have been hard to say the least, but I’m hanging in there.
I’m miss sickie at the moment. Sore throat… congestion… I think all the emotional upheaval has finally worn me down physically. I wish I could take time off work but I can’t. So fingers crossed that Little Guy doesn’t get it.
I have gone ten full days without smoking. Each and every day is so hard. But I’ve been doing it and I continue to keep doing it. I just truly can’t wait for the day where I don’t have overwhelming cravings for them.
I had my therapy appointment with Bean yesterday. All that I said about therapy being a waste of time and going nowhere and not helping? Yeah, I take that all back.
Yesterday we talked how “up” my defenses are. Especially when we get even the slightest bit close to talking about anything serious, trauma related, etc. That my system either shuts me down or brings forward another part to prevent “us” from having to face anything uncomfortable, whether they be feelings, memories, etc. It makes therapy hard to say the least.
One day at a time and one step at a time. I hope to get to the point where my defenses aren’t so high as we can actually start doing the “work” that is needed to heal. Bean tells me that I have lived in this torment for so long, that I deserve to be free from it. That I shouldn’t have to live in it any more.
My apologies for not reading/commenting on others blogs lately. I’ve just been feeling too overwhelmed to do much of anything.
I also have thoughts about my DID, my parts, and my dissociation that I want to share, but it will have to wait for another post. I’m already feeling exhausted just having written what I have. Miss sickie gets tired out easily!
Sending smiles and hugs to all of out there in cyberland. xx
Today I’m feeling really good. Things are looking up. My job is going well – Little Guy is amazing. He makes each day I go to work a joy. He is learning new things every day. Therapy is going well. My last therapy session, which I described in my last post, was really productive, and I feel like I’m finally starting to really make headway. Not only in addressing some key issues in my life, but I’m also feeling like I am beginning to trust and open up to my therapist – which is huge.
I’m grateful for days like today. 🙂
Today, I am unsmiling. Today, I see the world for what it is: unpredictable. There are few assurances in life, friendship being one of them. I build a cocoon around myself as a shield, and I will sleep for a very long time. No one will be able to enter this protective space. No one will be able to see inside. There I will be safe. There I will be protected – from the harshness of this unpredictable world. I am no longer smiling me. I am no longer trusting me. I am no longer warm and generous me. Those me’s are being kept deep down inside the protective space. You won’t be seeing those me’s for quite some time. Now, I am unsmiling me.
I accept what I am going through. I trust I am ready for this.
I accept the pain. I trust that one day it will pass.
I accept the anxiety. I trust that one day it will subside.
I accept my parts. I trust that one day I will get to know them better.
I accept my diagnosis. It doesn’t change anything.
I accept that my life has been hard. I trust that one day it will get easier.
I accept that my parents didn’t protect me. I trust that I can now be my own protector.
I accept that I cannot do this alone. I trust that my support system won’t abandon me.
I accept the support from my therapist. I trust that she cares and wants to help.
I accept that I’m been through extreme trauma in my life. I trust that I can someday heal from it.
I trust. I accept.
I trust. I accept.
When in your life, you were not taught how to have proper boundaries; when you were given mixed messages about what was expected of you; when expressing your needs was punished or ignored; when the only time you felt you got real attention was when your body was being violated – how do we develop a healthy sense of self? How are we able to navigate complex relationships? How are we able to express our needs, without fluctuating between the extremes of angry rejection and clingy neediness? How do we determine who is safe and who isn’t?
These are just questions that are floating around in my mind. I don’t really have the answer to them. I guess this is where therapy comes in. Therapy teaches us these things. Therapy models proper boundaries, and in the relationship you learn to trust and express ones needs in a safe way.
What if, however, therapy relationships haven’t been safe? What if boundaries have been blurred? What if one is allowed, and even encouraged, to fluctuate between extremes within the therapeutic relationship? What then?
The reason I ask is, I’ve had a prior therapy relationship that was extremely unhealthy, boundary-blurring, and co-dependent. Because of this, I’m extra sensitive and aware of any times where boundaries are being blurred in my current therapy relationship.
Does that mean that my reactions to things that my therapist does are actually overreactions? Are my feelings justified and do I have a right to feel hurt and betrayed and unprotected? Or, do I just not know how to handle the natural ebb and flow of a therapeutic relationship, due to my history of unsafe relationships?
I guess only time will be able to answer these questions…