Not even close to okay

I’m trying to cling with all my might to okay, even though I know I’m far from okay. I’m nowhere near okay.

Why does my therapist keep saying that things are “shifting”? I don’t think anything is shifting. I’m not learning anything about myself. I’m not feeling any forward movement. The only thing I feel is as though I were stuck in mental purgatory with no escape. Is that “progress”? Is that “things shifting”? And if things were shifting, wouldn’t it shift into something else besides this pure and utter hell I’ve been living in for these last couple weeks? How does she see what I’m going through as progress. I really don’t get it. I just don’t. I’ve felt these things before, it’s not like it’s anything new. Sadly, I thought my days of feeling this awful were over. I was sadly wrong. Perhaps her thinking these are “good signs” is just a way for herself to feel better, to not feel like she’s totally helpless or that our therapy is not benefitting me in the slightest but could in fact be making me worse.

How the hell is therapy helping? It’s gotten to the point where I spend most of the session with her dissociated and unable to speak. How is that progress??????

Finding Normal

Today I went to the grocery store. I didn’t want to, I’d been putting it off, but I knew we had no food in the house and it was only fair that I went since my partner works longer hours than I do and I have the time after work, that I should go. So I decided to brave it. Rather than it stressing me out and making me feel even more anxious than I usually do, a strange (and welcoming) thing happened. It was okay. It felt fine. Better than fine; it made me feel normal. When I say “normal,” I mean not controlled or bogged down by the constant and overwhelming anxiety that I experience almost every second of the day. All that dissolved, and I was simply in the moment, shopping for brussel sprouts. And it felt really good. And that gave me the motivation to cook dinner, which is another thing I haven’t done in what feels like forever. I made eggplant parmesan, from the recipe my aunt told me about when I visited her. And it was delicious – if I do say so myself ;).

It’s nice to have moments (or evenings) like this. And it reminds me that sometimes I just need to push through the fear and do something that might feel overwhelming, that might be outside my comfort zone (even if it’s something as simple as shopping for groceries), and that after all is said and done, I am okay. That perhaps the “normal” things that “normal” people do perhaps can help me feel more “normal”; instead of crazy, or mental, or messed up, or problem-laden. I don’t want to be stuck in the fear of what might happen, or what feelings might accost me at any given moment. I can challenge myself and I will become stronger as a result.

This fear that holds me under

I sit

Waiting.

For what

I do not know

But the anxiety has wrapped itself around my chest

Waiting.

For something

For what 

For something

An impending doom

Clutches at me

Not letting me breathe

Not letting me think

I want to run

I want to scream

But I can’t move

I am paralyzed

By this fear

That holds me under

All peace, all joy

That were once here

Is gone

What I would give

To be free

Of all that has a hold on me

An anxiety day

I’m a bit out of sorts today. The anxiety has a strong hold on me, and is holding on for dear life. So, my goal for today is just to get through it. Keep my head above water and keep treading. The body sensations are still coming, daily. My body is still extremely sore from the mayhem that took place the other night. I said I would write about it, but to be honest, I simply don’t have the energy. It’s taking everything out of me just to function.

Sorry folks, that’s all I’ve got for now. I hope my next post is a little bit more informative, or a little more interesting.

Party Sunday and 10,000 views

Today is my birthday party with my friends. As is typical in times I host a party (which is quite rare for me actually), I’m extremely anxious about it. I’m trying to just breathe, and remind myself that it will all be fine.

Also, today my blog has surpassed 10,000 views. Wow. It may not seem like a big deal, but I’m feeling a sense of accomplishment I suppose. Is that selfish of me? I’m just so grateful that people read, and even more importantly, that people find what I say useful. I am so grateful for this community of bloggers. I truly don’t know what I would do without you all!

Well I better get back to cleaning and making the lemon meringue pie for the party. Yummm!

Sunday rant

Excuse me, everyone, for the following rant. It just had to happen.

I’m feeling trapped. Trapped in my apartment, trapped in my body, trapped in my relationship, trapped in this city, trapped by this heat, trapped in this life. I need an escape. But what?

Perhaps I need to drive. Just drive. But I hate the thought of driving right now. And the inevitable weekend traffic on the highways. There is no escaping this.

I told my partner that I wished I could have the apartment all to myself right now. That I need space. That having someone around right now is causing me to get into a panic mode. She offered to go into her room/office. Great, thanks. That’ll solve it. I shouldn’t blame her for not wanting to leave the apartment though. It’s a gazillion degrees outside. So… I’m trapped.

We are supposed to go visit our friends’ new baby in an hour. I want to stay home. But I also want to meet the baby. One week old. What do I do?

I don’t want to be around anyone right now. Everyone please just leave me alone. (Not all of you of course. I’m referring to offline people.) I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want to be left alone.

Can you tell I’m in a foul mood?

Perhaps I should try taking a cold shower. My therapist recommends this for times when I’m really anxious. Okay, after my cigarette. Ugh.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Woop de fucking doo. I celebrated with my family last night. Triggered me big time. Again, trapped. Trapped in a family that drives me up the wall with no escape.

Does anyone wish there were an easy way out? An easy fix to make all the big hard heavy stuff just go away? An off button to the chaos? I do. Yes, I really am complaining aren’t I.

Night rambling, trip updates

Every time I lie down to try and go to sleep, panic overtakes me, so I thought I would write as a way to distract myself.

I’ve been having a lovely vacation. My partner has returned home and several of my good friends have joined me up in the northern part of the state where I am. We have one more full day and then we make the return drive home on Sunday. It went by too quickly!

Today I swam in the chilly waters of the Pacific. My whole body pretty much went numb at some point, but I didn’t mind. I love the ocean! Tomorrow we are driving down the coast a ways to go hiking. I’m looking forward to it, although I have to say I’m not feeling well – feel like I’m coming down with a cold, my back has been acting up, and on top of that my body doesn’t seem to want me to sleep for some reason. Sigh.

We’ve been eating well up here! My favorite restaurant that we’ve been to was this little place that is like an English cottage. They serve these scones that I could eat by the bucketful if I could. Wow. And the omelet? One of the best I’ve ever had.

My pup loves being able to be in so much nature, and run free off lease, far away from the cars and the big mean city dogs lol. (She has an aversion to big, aggressive dogs. Who doesn’t!)

Well my eyelids are growing heavy, and my anxiety seems to have subsided. For now. Fingers crossed it’ll stay that way.

Sending smiles to you all from my very beautiful coastal vacation spot. 🙂

Breathing and letting the dust settle, once again

Certain things have caused me, in the past, to get into a chronically triggered/panicky state. At the time I didn’t realize that this particular thing in my life was causing all the emotional turbulence that it was. When I realized what was happening, I changed the situation so that I could try and get myself back on solid ground.

For a while, the dust began settling, and things felt emotionally stable. Or at least I was getting there. I was staying strong and was refusing to let this thing that had a hold over me in the past infiltrate my life and mind. I have let myself become weak and have made my mind susceptible to this thing that was so destabilizing before. And I only have myself to blame.

Certain habits are so engrained, they are hard to break. Even habits that we know make us worse and unstable. And in my case, make me overcome with dissociation and feelings of panic. I have to put my foot down and say no more. I will not do this thing anymore that ultimately makes me feel bad about myself and turns my emotional world upside down.

Why are we lured into the web of the spider, even when we know we are walking right into a trap?

I must offer kindness and strength and forgiveness to myself for falling into old patterns, and for allowing my mind to become weakened. I will go forward with a renewed strength and intention of my betterment and healing, and forgive myself for putting myself in harms way; forgive myself for walking right back into the spider’s web.

Clinging to “okay”

I’m trying so hard to be okay right now. Probably the biggest reason I haven’t completely lost it yet is because I have the enormous responsibility of taking care of a young child. He needs me to be okay. So I have to be okay.

But it’s so hard.

Every single afternoon I’m being flooded with these body sensations. It takes all of my will power to focus on Little Guy and ensure that he’s getting the love and care and support that he needs. I feel like I’m having to be Super Woman.

I know I’ve been complaining about this a lot lately, and a part of me thinks I need to shut up because everyone’s tired of hearing about it, but I need to keep writing about it. I need to keep writing to stay sane.

These (nightmarish) bodily occurrences are squeezing out of me every last ounce of energy that I have. After the afternoon onslaught is over, I have no energy left in my reserve.

So right now I’m clinging to “okay”, and hoping against all hope that my therapist will be able to help me work through this stuff – and soon.

Let me dig myself a grave

Let me dig myself a grave to lay my body in
Once my body’s quiet I pray restfulness begins
For I can’t take my mind no more; this panic and this stress
Instead I’ll lay my body down and give this mind a rest

A rest from what, I’m not quite sure, but pressure’s rising fast
A tidal wave heads toward my shore, from which I cannot last
The wave will catch me in its might and wrestle me about
Under water I’ll be flung and there’ll be no way out

Instead I’ll dig myself a grave, a peaceful place to lie
Buried, hidden from the world and free from passers by
This grave where I’ll lay myself down will be a welcome cave
Protecting and embracing me while my mind melts away.